Mindful Parenting

Wonderful Energy Work Session

2011-12-29T07:16:00.000-08:00

I recently enjoyed a powerful session with an energy practitioner. At first we were working on opening my lungs and shoulders and energy centers for the first 40 minutes. During the last 20 minutes of the session some deeply spiritual activities occurred.
I began to be able to take deep to the bottom of my lung breaths. I began to make a low humming noise from my throat. My hands began to feel full of energy. As if I were holding electric spheres in my hands. I could almost feel the eletricity flowing across my body from hand to hand. (I was lying on my back)
Then I began to meditate on emptiness and the energy and insights began to flow. I pictured myself as having been born in different realms (Hell being, hungry ghost, animal - dog, human - saint). The images were not contrived and simply flowed.
It took about 10 minutes to be able to calm my breathing and come down from the session, but it felt like a brief insight into what a good emptiness meditation might be like.
This felt like another deep spiritual experience and breakthrough.

Stretching boundaries with Mom and Cousins

2011-04-01T12:40:00.000-07:00

My mom fell last Weds. night. My eldest daughter and I drove to the hospital and stayed with her until 11 PM while we waited for CT Scan results. I fully expected the doctor to say that we could all go home when that was complete, but the universe had different ideas.
"I'm sorry. I can't be sure that there is no spinal damage. You will need to drive into Boston."
The ambulance drive looked at me and said: "Will you be following us in?"
I took a step backwards and put my hands up. "No, I can't. Will she be OK without me?"
My mom and the ambulance driver assured me that she would be fine and they sped her off into Boston.
I drove my daughter home and assured myself that I was doing the right thing. I had a big project presentation in the afternoon the next day that I could not miss. I also needed my sleep to be the best Dad that I could be for my kids.
When I got home I looked at my comfortable bed and asked my wife: "If you were in Boston, would you want me to be there?" She said that she absolutely would.
At that moment I realized that my attachment to my job, my routine and my salary was holding me back from being what was most important. A good son.
I grabbed some coffee and drove into town. My mom's face lit up when she saw me. I slept for a few hours on the hospital floor and drove my mom home at 7:00 the next morning.
I was so happy that my spiritual path allowed me to overcome my fears and do the right thing. I managed to get a nap in before the meeting and get it done anyway.

3 Days later my cousin passed on due to a tragic death. I went to the wake, but the funeral was out of the question due to work commitments. My mom asked me if I would be attending the funeral. I immediately responded: No! Then I reflected for a time. Who do I want to be? What is the right thing to do? Do I want to be there for my family?
I changed my mind and went to the funeral. It was the right thing to do. I felt like the universe drove home the point that I needed to overcome my fears and patterns to grow spiritually.

Amazing meditation!

2011-01-16T18:50:00.000-08:00

The topic of this recent meditation was to "Breathe in and feel Gods love, and breathe out and breathe your love to God." After 10 minutes of this meditation, the energy level in my body increased dramatically. I began to shake and my back arched. I felt I could see God at my 3rd eye and could feel his energy surging through my body. My chest and abdomen were swirling with energy as well. I felt that I could literally feel God and his love. After the meditation my limbs and body were shaking for about 20 minutes. It was a wonderful feeling that continued with me for several days

Spa day with my lovely wife

2010-01-30T07:27:00.001-08:00

After I finished my 90 minutes of hot yoga this morning I set my intention for my day with my wife. I vowed to:
Not get irritated when I can't hear what she says.
Remember how many great things she does for me day in and day out.

Balancing competing interests

2009-12-16T18:55:00.000-08:00

I think one of the toughest times that I face is when my wife and my child both have competing interests and each one asks me to help them.
This happened tonight. My wife was sick and my 5 year old wanted to sleep in mommy's bed. Jenn need to get some rest and that was not going to happen with Mia rolling on her.
Jenn began issuing consequences, but Mia just dug in deeper and began grunting and screaming. Mia wanted me to let her stay, Jenny needed her out. The clock was ticking, because everyone's patience was wearing thin.
"Mia, you can sleep on my side of the bed or on the Dave bed." (The day bed has been nicknamed the Dave bed.)
"Arrrrgggg, I need to think." Grunted Mia, barely audible.
"You need to think?" I confirmed.
Another grunt.
"Think quickly, because mommy needs to sleep."
Mia sat sucking her thumb.
"What is your decision?" I asked.
More incoherent grunting mixed with "I need to think!"
"Can I carry you to your decision?" I suggested.
Mia flung out her arms and allowed me to pick her up. I began to play "Am I getting hotter or colder." I moved to one area of the room, and then another. As it turned out she decided to go to her brother's room. I never would have suspected that she wanted to sleep there. It's freezing in there:)
I chalked this up to another win-win outcome. I was able to maintain my patience by connecting with my breath and realizing that the needs of my wife and child were both important. I was thankful that I was able to keep my cool while keeping the threats and consequences to a minimum.
Yeah.

Mia grunts and screams her way to sleep

2009-12-14T18:29:00.000-08:00

Tommy called Mia the "fat" word tonight and Mia fell apart. She began screaming, grunting and crying uncontrollably in the living room. I can't reach her when she is in that state.
I figured my options were to move her into her bedroom and hold the door shut as she screamed and kicked. Or I could hug her and place her on the soft couch while Tommy and I went up for his bath.
I chose the latter option. She was tired, sad and angry. Who needs a consequence in that condition? I hugged her and told her I was sorry that she was so sad. I have done this enough times so that she knows that I mean it and she no longer gets defensive when I hug her when she is angry.
When I got back down from the bath, she had cried herself off to sleep.
I call this ButterCream Gang parenting. This was a movie from the early 90s where one of the kids in a group begins to do some really horrible things, like bullying and shoplifting. The entire town reacts with unconditional love and the kid eventually comes around. It worked from my point of view, tonight with Mia.

Attachment to a family meal.

2009-11-24T08:58:00.000-08:00

I realized that I have an attachment to quiet meals with my family. When I take time to prepare a meal for Jenn and the kids I have an expectation that they will drop what they are doing and join me in a time of laughter and sharing and joy.
Often times however, my families agenda does not coincide with my desire to enjoy this time together. By reflecting on the needs of my family and respecting where they are in their lives I can attempt to reduce my need for a connected meal and simply enjoy the times when such an event occurs.
Hopefully this scene will not unfold again:
As I was finishing preparing a meal for Jenny and the kids, Mia began to lose her patience. She lied down on the kitchen floor next to me and began screaming at the top of her lungs. My 8 year old son Tommy began to stand just out of her reach as she tried to kick him from her back. I did not think it was possible, but her screams got louder.
"Mia, if you don't stop yelling, I am going to move you to your room."
More yelling and kicking.
"Mia, take a breath. You need to settle down and start using your words or there will be a consequence."
More yelling and kicking.
"Last chance." I began to lose my temper and put my hands on her shirt.
"No! I will stop!" she screamed.
I let her lay on the floor and tried to breathe. She grunted softly and was whining a bit.
Then Jenny decided to enter the argument. She was disappointed that I had not followed through on the consequence. (As many people who are reading this post are:)
"If you are not going to put her in a time out then I am." said Jenny.
I snapped.
"Don't even think about it! You don't like it when I interfere in your parenting choices, please don't interfere in mine."
Jenny turned and walked away and that outburst brought my 9 year old daughter into the argument.
"Daddy stop!" she yelled and she stormed out of the room.
I know she hates it when my wife and I argue. We snip at each other like that about once every 6 months. I have set the intention to reduce that amount.
She and Jenn came back to the kitchen, and still fuming I apologized for losing my temper. The scene was ugly, but as I regained my cool it was the only way that I could attempt to repair the damage.
"I am sorry for losing my patience and raising my voice." I said.
"No you are not!" screamed my 9 year old.
"I meditate each morning and do yoga in order to let those emotions go before I lose my temper. I do feel sorry. I am doing the best I can."
My 9 year old was still angry, but she seemed somewhat satisfied with this answer.

Needless to say, I did not enjoy the fish tacos as much as I anticipated. Since that incident I have reflected on my attachment to mealtimes and have tried to let it go with some success.

Talk on Buddhism for First Parish Church Sunday school.

2009-11-16T16:30:00.000-08:00

The kids at FPC Sunday school recently visited a meditatation center. I was asked to put together a discussion on Buddhism to try to help them understand the topic better. Here is what I wrote:

Buddhism is a method to improve personal happiness. Premise: everyone wants happiness and deserves to be happy. We have a right to be happy and so does everyone else in equal measure.
Buddhism gives us a roadmap of the path to attain happiness. Two of the important ideas are:
1.Emotional Management
2.Compassion for ourselves and others.

Emotional Management: Buddhism gives us a method for incrementally calming and steadying our emotional state of mind. Our minds are like a pond. In high winds things aren’t clearly reflected. We want our mind to reflect reality and the truth.

We want to exercise control over which thoughts that we entertain and which thoughts we let go. Thoughts give rise to emotions. We have a thought and that evokes feelings. We want to limit the impact of the afflictive emotions of: anger, fear, frustration and greed. These are the biggest trouble makers in our experience and need our focus, attention and mindfulness. We want to limit the actions we take when we are under the influence of these emotions. When we are under their influence we don’t see the truth. Evolution delivers us blind energy when anger is present.

Story of the angry samurai:
This Buddhist story summarizes the effect of the afflictive emotion of anger:
A samurai warrior visited a Buddhist monk and said: “Master, explain to me the difference between heaven and hell.”
The monk replied: “I have no time for a simpleminded brute like you. Leave my temple.”
The samurai unsheathed his sword and shouted: “I could cut your head off right now!”
The monk replied: “That is hell.”
The samurai sheathed his sword, bowed his head and said: “Thank you, master.”
“That is heaven.” The monk proclaimed.

Sample meditation: One type of meditation involves letting go of all thoughts as they arise. An example meditation is one where we watch the breath. Let’s do a 5 minute breath meditation where we watch the breath and let go of all thoughts as they arise. This will enhance our ability to let go of toxic thoughts when they come into our experience, because if we can let go of all thoughts we can more readily let go of toxic ones when they are recognized.

Attachment:
The topic of attachment is important in the Buddhist framework.
We want to insure we don’t get caught up in praise or blame, fame or disrepute, pleasure and pain, gain and loss.
We don’t want to cling or grasp to a sensation because, by its nature, it is going to change. We need to welcome the present moment and we need to be ready to accept events as they unfold. One day we are the best at our sport, the next day we feel like we are an amateur again. Our bodies change and the world changes, but our calm, tranquil state of mind should be constant.

My 9 year old presented me with this joke the other day: “Why couldn’t the Buddhist vacuum in the corners of his house? Because he had no attachments!” She gets it, too.

Truth:
We want to seek the truth in our experience. A Buddhist tries to resist falsehoods, exaggerations and sarcasm. The famous Japanese Buddhist poet Basho wrote: “The old pond, the frog jumps in, plop.”
Often in the West we use exaggerations to add excitement or humor to a story. Buddhist prefer truth because it is safer.

Meditation on the emotions:
Think of the last time you got really angry? Reflect on this event as a neutral third party. Reduce your ego and examine the events while taking all sides into account. Try to discover the truth in the experience.

The final topic I would like to introduce is emptiness. Buddhists believe that objects don’t exist in the way our minds initially interpret them. Everything is interconnected in our world and nothing exists in its own right. Everything that comes into existence depends on something that helped create it. Objects are constantly changing and cannot remain indefinitely or be completely destroyed. The table that we are using was build from trees and will eventually break down and return to the earth. Life and death are examples of another continuum. We think of our life starting when we were born, but we lived as a fetus prior to our birth. We were also a part of the apple that our mother ate that nourished her eggs. Another meditation is to contemplate where you were when your grandmother was born.

Buddhist joke from Lauren

2009-11-12T10:14:00.000-08:00

Lauren asked me the other day: "Daddy, why can't the Buddhist clean in the corners of his room?"
Why?
"Because he has no attachments?"
"Get it? For his vacuum."
I love Buddhist jokes from my 9 year old.
She can be very emotionally mature and does a great job understanding the emotions of others.
Awesome.
Thanks to Jenn for supplying the joke.

Best bedtime routine ever.

2009-10-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

After Mia stopped screaming after being chased around the kitchen for the third time this evening, we had the best bedtime routine ever.
I brought Mia a book for bed, and she said that she did not want to read that book, but that she wanted to sleep with Tom. I said:
"OK, but Tommy needs to read you this book."
"OK!"
Win-win-win outcome. I love it.
Tommy read Mia to sleep and then put himself to sleep, while Lauren and I went downstairs and played Uno.
Lauren told me all about her presentation of her science project at school and how she got nervous in front of the class. We also laughed about the cards we pulled and just relaxed and hung out.
Later I finished my yoga poses for the day while Lauren drifted off to sleep.
Fantastic night.
It was tough not to yell at the older kids when they were chasing Mia and being hard on her earlier in the evening. I have to breathe deeply and simply get them separated.

My journey to Universal Unitarianism at First Parish Church

2009-10-25T17:41:00.000-07:00

I was asked to deliver a talk about my journey to Unitarian Universalism at First Parish Church. Here is what I presented to the congregation:

My spiritual journey started as a young child attending services at St. Mary’s church in Beverly and I was confirmed Catholic. I became disillusioned with the Catholic Church in high school and I fell out of religious practice completely toward the end of my college years. I remember many useful lessons from the Bible like loving thy neighbor, but I continue to work on reducing my self-righteousness that was reinforced by my religious upbringing.

About 10 years ago, when Jenny and I decided to start a family, we began looking for a spiritual community for our kids. During my first service here at First Parish Church, I had my UU ahhaaa moment. I thought, church can be like this,? Open, informative, challenging, current? I was hooked. I recall the feeling of peace that I felt when I was attending services. That peace became more difficult to attain as my children grew to toddlers. I began grasping for the tranquility that our services provided and I could become frustrated when the children would not stay in the nursery or attend classes.

At that time I realized that I could create the calm atmosphere at church in my home through Buddhist meditative practices. A little over 3 years ago I began meditating at home daily. The moment I started a daily practice, my grasping for the tranquility of church was greatly reduced. But I welcomed the moments of peace between stints of sheparding the kids.

My spiritual practice involves creating a calm state of mind so that I can try to act in the interests of all concerned in any situation. This involves trying to develop a steadier mind that can recognize when the afflictive emotions, such as, anger and frustration are arising. If I am successful in recognizing the afflictive emotion and can connect with the breath I can often act with compassion. Compassion: understanding and alleviating the suffering of others, is critical to my religious practice. Most of my time in meditation is spent reflecting on what has happened in the past to cause me to become angry, and to try to envision the feelings of others when anger arises. I believe that God exists in the interconnected web of all existence and our actions either cause the web to shine brighter or dim.

We talk about these topics often at FPC when we discuss the interconnected web of all existence and compassion in human relations. These are 2 of our 7 principles, which I carry in my wallet. But, please don’t quiz me on them:)

I like to use a college analogy when describing UUs and FPC: I feel like we are all majors in UU with various concentrations in other religions. I believe that my concentration is in Buddhism. I feel uplifted and rejuvenated when we weave the Buddhist tradition into our services. I also am inspired by our sermons on Thoreau and Native American culture.
I love how this church exposes us to different traditions. The only thing that I knew about Judaism before FPC was that my mother got all the Jewish holidays off as a middle school teacher in Peabody. Now I know about many Jewish holidays and traditions as well as Hinduism and even Wiccan.

I am grateful to be able to lead the FPC meditation group. It is a time when the group comes together and deepens our spiritual practice. We work on connecting with our breath and developing our patience and compassion through positive visualization and insight meditation. I am thankful for the group energy that we create during our monthly encounters.

Ferry Beach is my most spiritual weekend of the year. It is a weekend of Meditation, yoga, dancing, singing songs around a campfire and connecting with friends and family. It is a weekend of the deepest renewal and it allows me to sustain my patience with my family for weeks afterwards.

Some of my best friendships have been established through this church. I can prove this because at least half of my Facebook friends are from First Parish. I have shared many Spiritual Parenting nights, winter solstice celebrations, Halloween parties, small group ministry meetings, auctions and Pastoral Care meetings.

I have watched members of this church take up the call to community service and that inspires me to do as much as I can in the community. Many of us gathered together to demonstrate for peace during the escalation of the Iraq war. Among my most cherished memories are the ones when we came together to cook meals for the less fortunate. I have been involved in several Monday night suppers and preparing meals for the River House or the kids for a UU coming of age weekend. There is nothing better than preparing a meal with friends, especially when you are doing it for a great cause.

I have had the opportunity to connect with many of the children in the church through teaching at our Sunday school. This will be my third year teaching. I am happy to have gotten to know so many of the kids at are church through teaching. It also helped me to appreciate the different learning styles that we have in our youth, and that fact kept me on my toes. I organized a scavenger hunt for the class last year for earth day and that was one of my favorite classes.

I have loved my last 10 years at FPC and look forward to 50 or 60 more.

Meditation on family compassion

2009-10-17T17:22:00.000-07:00

I have been working on developing compassion for my family in my seated morning insight meditations for the past 2 weeks. Each day it feels like my patience expands and my orientation towards service expands as well. One specific competence that has been arising in meditation is listening skills. I also worked on listening to Jenn and not interjecting my judgement into her ideas, until I validate and completely understand everything that she has spoken. I think I accomplished this today.

Today Jenny asked if I could help her friend clear her yard. I brought my chainsaw and helped clear brush for an hour and a half. I felt accomplished that I was able to provide so much impact in a short period of time.
Later, a couple of Jennies friends asked that we go to a town meeting and vote for appropriations for a new HVAC system for their school. The vote lasted 4 hours and I was not at all invested in the outcome. I walked around and talked and played with my kids while the meeting unfolded. I also worked on my mountain pose, forward bends and posture during the marathon.
We finally voted and it turned out the vote was not even close. The appropriation passed by an enormous margin and the hype to get people to turn out was not necessary. That outcome did not affect me in any way. I was helping my wife and her friends, and living in the moment.
I took off with the kids and we played cards and games for the rest of the day. It turned out to be a great day. Having fun, and enjoying the experience wherever I went. I had nowhere to go, and nothing to accomplish. I just wanted to by with my family in any capacity, serving them and enjoying their company.

Sweet!

10 days of Contemplation on Compassion for Family

2009-10-09T06:05:00.000-07:00

I have been having some great results with meditating on compassion for my wife and kids. I have been able to sit for about 30 minutes each morning. First 10 minutes breath, the next 20 minutes are spent reviewing examples where I could have been more compassionate and understanding. I try to visualize the compassionate thoughts moving out of the sphere of my mind and seeping down into my heart, stomach and the rest of my body. If I can internalize the compassionate thougths then I should no longer react when anger and frustration arise.
Two themes have been reoccurring for these past 10 days:

1. I can be happy whatever I am doing, I don't need to be anticipating the next activity.
2. I can choose to be happy even when my ideas are challenged. I need not be right 100% of the time.

These 2 issues seem to be the source of much of the anger that I experience.

Letting go of outcomes

2009-09-23T18:44:00.000-07:00

The topic of my insight portion of my meditation this morning was "Letting go of outcomes and results." For instance, during bedtime routine, to let go of:

Being yelled at.
Being ignored
Procrastination
Finishing the last Wii game
ect....

By attacking these problems, one at a time as the arise, I can let go of needing to get the kids to bed on my schedule and let them have some freedom with a reasonalble framework.
I am also trying to heal my ears, so that when I hear whining and yelling, that I don't react. It is highly unlikely that the kids will need to visit the ER as a result of their horseplay.
Having this intention in my mind this evening helped bedtime proceed well from my perspective. I did not lose my cool and the kids got to bed only a few minutes after their scheduled bedtimes.
I think that the more I reflect on these insights, the deeper that they sink in and more healing occurs.
So far so good.

Weekend of Service at Grampy's

2009-09-20T18:52:00.000-07:00

Made it back from a weekend of service at my father-in-Law's. He is doing OK. When you give, you get, however. I got to spend a weekend with the funniest 8 year old boy you will ever meet. T and I talked about everything, from the Sox to the Pats to the Lightening Theif books. He is such a great kid. We talked about the time a bully punched him in the stomach at school. This same kid aspires to be a murderer when he grows up.

T asked me how electricity is generated for our house. Why are there 4 downs in football and how does that work. How many more game do the RedSox have and who are they playing. Who won the baseball allstar game and who will get home field advantage this year? The list went on and on. I answered patiently and tried to ask as many follow up questions as I could.

I discovered that T remembered as much or more about the Lightening Thief series as I did. We also had a telepathic moment. I was trying to recall one of the characters names in the book and was spouting out names: David, Peter, Bobby. None of them seemed right. Then T said he thought he remembered the name, but was not sure. It popped imediately into my head. Was it Daniel? He said it was. Pretty amazing.

Servicing my Father-In-Law and his partner was hard work, but the reward of doing for others is extremely enriching. To get this added bonus of bonding time with my son was priceless.

Bristling at judgement

2009-09-14T18:15:00.000-07:00

I realized that I have a hot button when I am feeling judged.
When I was driving the other day someone commented that I was taking the long way to out destination.
I replied that I liked the scenic route better.
"You will use more gas." they said and "that is bad for the environment."
But we are in a hybrid and it is only about a mile out of the way, I replied.
"Studies show that people who drive hybrids drive more miles" my passenger replied.
"Thanks for the judgment." I replied.
We moved on and didn't talk about the exchange, but I resented being judged when I work hard at minimizing my impact on the environment.
Ideally I would be able to accept the criticism and move on. I reflected on that in meditation and hopefully will heal this hot button.

A little preparation before bedtime confrontation

2009-08-31T18:01:00.000-07:00

M was not interested in bed this evening. At 8:30 she was screaming for her brother to be returned from a sleep over. I let her call our neighbors house to get that out of her system. Naturally her brother refused to come home.
While she spoke to him I gathered myself and prepared for a difficult bedtime. I had no goals, and nowhere to go and nothing to do. All that mattered was that I was compassionate to my daughter and had a win-win outcome for bedtime.
She crumpled down on the floor and dug in her heels:
"I am not going to bed no matter what you say."
"M, you are going to bed. You can go walking or I can carry you. I can carry you like a baby or I can carry you by your heels."
"You mean I can walk on my hands all the way to bed?"
"If you can make it. It would be a new family record, I said."
We laughed our way all the way to bed and read a book and M drifted off to sleep, happy as a clam.
Win-Win.

Incredible weekend

2009-08-17T19:03:00.001-07:00

My meditation practice feels like it is paying huge dividends. Last weekend I spent a full weekend with my wife and kids without reacting in anger for one moment. It felt like a huge accomplishment!

Communicating through the Chakras

2009-08-17T18:51:00.000-07:00

In my 200 hour yoga teacher training class we did an intense set of Kundalini yoga for about 20 minutes, then the group took Shavasana. I was breathing normally and my mind was exploring a topic about work and I had received an insight. Then I heard a groan in the middle of the room, about 30 feet to my left. I felt sorry for the person who was experiencing the grief. A moment later I heard the groan again, but it was even louder. I had a thought that I could help the woman who was groaning by taking on some of her suffering. I decided to set the intention to try to offload some of her suffering onto me.
The moment that I set the intention, my breathing became shallow. I could only breathe in the top 10% of my lungs. I put my hand to the bridge of my nose and tried to breathe deeper. I was able to catch my breath after 4 or 5 breaths.
My abdomen began to feel like it was generating an extreme amount of energy. The area that I would call my 3rd Chakra was vibrating intensely. After 20 minutes this energy pattern moved to my 4th Chakra in the area of my heart. This again felt like deep, vibrational energy. For a brief time I also felt the feeling lower in my second chakra.
I believe that the woman and I communicated through our 3rd Chakras. This happened several months ago and my meditation practice has become much more focused since. I feel that energy channels were opened within my body by this experience.
My instructor explained that she saw this experience as my first experience as a healer. I look forward to exploring these abilities in future classes.

Good Karma

2009-02-13T06:37:00.000-08:00

Two months ago I lost the key to my Honda Civic Hybrid. I told my son T I would give him $5 if he found it. He looked for hours, but did not find it. I gave him $5 for his effort.

On Saturday of this week I needed to borrow T's pedometer. He was not in his room, so I grabbed it, looked at the steps (22,000) and reset the pedometer so that I could track my steps for that day.

At the end of our walk T discovered I was wearing his pedometer. Dad, I was counting my steps, please tell me you did not reset that! He was crushed, but I promised him that I would get it back up to 22,000 steps.

By Thursday morning I had completed the necessary steps and handed T back his pedometer. I also advised him that if you break something of somebody's that you should fix it for them before you give it back. He said he understood.

On Thursday afternoon I got a voicemail that T had found my car key in the garage that afternoon.

On Thursday night I gave T a new, crisp $5 bill.

Now that is good Karma.

Classic Quotes

2008-11-09T19:50:00.001-08:00

We are driving in the car the other night. M (4) asks: "What is a date?"
T, my 7 year old boy responds: "That's when you find a girl that you really love. Then you ask her to go out to dinner. Then you talk about your feelings."

That morning my mother in law called and said that she would pick up breakfast for the kids. I told her we would love a half a dozen bagels from Dunkin Donuts.
L (8), who had just woken up and overheard the conversation replied:
"Have them put the cream cheese on the bagel!"
"L, nana will buy a tub of cream cheese and we can spread it on the bagel. It is more economical that way."
"No, have them put the cream cheese on it!"
"L, it costs much less to get a tub of cream cheese. Besides, then you get to decide how much to put on."
"But I need to have them do it! There professionals!"
I spun around quickly so that L could not see my reaction to that comment. It is best not to argue with her before she has had her coffee:)

This day made possible by meditation

2008-10-13T18:49:00.000-07:00

This Sunday I had an extraordinary day that revolved around the theme of service.
I have recently been practicing insight meditations of how I can be more of service. I have tried to envision myself helping my children, my wife, the elderly, infirm, homeless and others.
This weekend I offered to care for my children while my wife recharged her batteries in NH.
The kids and I went on a hike on Saturday to Mt Jacob in Gloucester. The kids had a ball and I was mindful of their needs during the trip. I brought snacks, drinks and even toilet paper:)
Later that evening we took my mom out to dinner to her favorite restaurant which brought her great joy.
I was able to teach my Sunday school class with my 2 eldest children and I taught them about prayer and thanksgiving. My son created a prayer necklace with beads representing his sisters, mother, cat and chickens. It was adorable.
Later on Sunday when my wife returned from NH we were driving to the beach when her grandmother called. Her cousin with Cerebral Palsy had come for a visit and she wanted to see the kids. Here is where the meditation kicked in. I the past I would make an excuse that my wife and I needed to enjoy this last beach day of the season. But through my meditation I had been envisioning myself as someone who could help others, and I realized that this was an opportunity to fulfill a need to help others. We turned the car around and headed into the city on potentially the last beach day of the season.
After a great visit with our relatives we still were able to enjoy an hour at the beach at our favorite time of day, sunset.
At 6:00 I asked Jennifer if I could go back to the church and help my friends cook a meal for needy people in town. She agreed. I tried to convince my eldest daughter to come, but she was too tired. I believe that if I had not meditated on this topic that I would not have been so adamant about requesting the time. It would have been easy to forget about the opportunity or rationalize and excuse like needing to put the kids to bed.
When I arrived at the church we worked on cutting veggies, opening cans and preparing chili for 2 hours. It brought the group closer together around the worthy cause of helping people who need it.
Earlier in the day my wife had offered to let me go off and play a round of golf. I made a conscious decision, aided by meditation, to do something more fulfilling.

Sitting

2008-09-09T19:24:00.000-07:00

These past few weekends we have not had many household plans. I worked on a few projects and went to a few parks. We had a few family lunched, but the lack of plans was palpable. My wife was not too pleased with the development. She mentioned she prefers to have plans and enjoys working toward a planned activity with the family.
During the weekends I worked on sitting and trying to experience my emotions as they arose. On several occasions I felt myself wanting to move on to the next activity. I tried to sit with the current activity and feel the motivation to move arising in my thoughts and feelings. This was particularly evident when I was trying to put my kids to sleep. I wanted to get downstairs and exericise and then catch up on the news. As my son lied in his bed and asked me to stay in his room I sat and meditated.
I sat and watched my breath and felt the sensations of urgeny of tasks that I could be completing downstairs. I watched these thoughts arise and I continued to sit, glued to the floor, watching my breath.
I had the same experience as I put my eldest daughter down. I sat on the floor and felt the pull of all of the other things that I could be doing. I sat on the floor and watched my breath and experienced the desire of wanting to exercise and surf the news sites. I let that desire go and returned to the breath. Then I watched the thoughts of other possibilities float into my consiousness and I continued to breathe.
This was a powerful meditation where I felt I was able to overcome the need to follow my desires for a short period of time and sit and enjoy just being in the room with my kids as they drifted to sleep.

Win-Win with 3 year old M

2008-01-01T12:03:00.000-08:00

Today I had let my wife head upstairs for a nap while I was playing with the other kids. I am so thankful when I can enable my wife to slow down and get the rest that she needs. It is a kind of grasping or attachment in Buddhist thinking.
So I was very alarmed when my youngest daughter (3) completed a picture for my wife and wanted to bring it to her.
"M, mommy is sleeping now. Please draw her another picture and we can show them to her when she wakes up"
"No! I want to show her now!"
She ran upstairs and began knocking on my wife's door.
"M, please, we can read this book."
"No! I want momma."
My anger continued to rise with each rapping on the door by M. I contemplated throwing the book that was in my hand, but I tried to connect with my breath and think of a win-win way out of this problem.
I had an idea. My 7 year old daughter L was home and she is good with distractions for M. I went for help. I hustled downstairs and looked around for L. She was not there. I called to her in the basement and all around the house. She did not answer.
This was just perfect. I had one daughter waking up my wife and the other one was lost. My wife was not going to enjoy waking up from this nap and would probably not be taking another one with my in charge.
Then another win-win idea presented itself. Quickly I ran upstairs.
"M, L is lost!" I proclaimed.
M looked skeptical.
"No Daddy, she is just hiding."
"Go see for yourself, I can't find her."
We ran downstairs and looked around. L jumped out at us from under a blanket 30 seconds later. We continued to play hide and seek until Mommy woke up.
The win-win scenarios were not complete for the afternoon, however. M was upstairs trying to hide and was getting angry that I was peeking at her.
"M, lets try the hiding spot that L was using. Let's hide in the bed."
"OK, said M."
We both lied down under the warm sheets in the bed that Mommy had just vacated. M was snoring in less than a minute. The nap that she needed, and would have fought tooth and nail was upon her. And Daddy was only 30 seconds behind:)

Webkinz nightmares

2007-05-15T20:37:00.000-07:00

Here is an emotional bedtime rollercoaster brought to you by the evil programmers at Webkinz

When the timer went off for the computer and the kids would not get off webkinz I was irritated.
When they said we need to finish this one game I said fine, but just this last game, I became more irritated.
When the game was over and the kids said that the pet needed food before bed or it would die I said OK through gritted teeth and became more irritated at them.
When they said they needed to take their pet to the doctors before they could shut the machine off or their pet would die I became more irritated.
When they said that they had to buy medicine for their pet I became more aggrivated.
When they said they had to put their webkinz to bed or it would die I wanted to kill the developers of webkinz.
When they searched all 10 rooms in webkinz world and Tommy's tree frog could not find the bed I was furious.
When Lauren said she sold the bed for Webkinz cash I snapped.
Later I laughed.

Cute moment while dropping off L at school

2007-03-22T18:38:00.000-07:00

I was dropping off L at school the other day and she took off her seat belt as the car was running.
"Why is the bell ringing in the car, dad?"
"The car is telling us that a very important package in the front seat needs to be taken care of."
L let that sink in and looked at me and beamed.
"I love you Dad."
She gave me our customary kiss and bolted off into school.

Yoga before bed with the kids

2007-03-22T18:33:00.000-07:00

The past several nights I have done yoga with the kids before bed. It has been fantastic. My 5 year old boy devours the poses.
"Look dad. I can do up dog and look at the ceiling."
"Dad! I am doing down dog and I can see the door."
He holds the poses along with Rodney Yee who leads the power yoga video. T made it 20 minutes on the first night. I had the under at 5 minutes.
My youngest daughter was a riot as well. 3 Year old M held her down dog right along with daddy and T. She love to run under Daddy's bridge while I am doing down dog.
We lined up our 3 yoga mats side by side and hugged and kissed each other as we transitioned in and out of the poses. It was adorable.
Mommy and L joined us for yoga the next night. All five of us moved in and out of the postures for 10 minutes before bedtime. It was a joyous time.

Meditation continues to pay dividends

2007-03-08T19:10:00.000-08:00

After a tough day at work my temper was short this evening. I had resigned myself to a night of yelling and short patience when I remembered to reconnect with my breath. I did this over and over for the entire night.
The more that I practice my meditation the easier this becomes. When the kids scream and the nerves jangle from my eardrums to my anus I breathe and calmly remind them that there is no yelling in our home. By modelling patience through meditation I am able to show the behavior that I am requesting instead of giving it lip service.
I am in month 8 of meditating twice per day and I find that I am connecting with my breath more often. If I am overwhelmed or swamped in some way I am reflexively concentrating on the air coming in through my nostrils and this act of focusing my mind completely calms me and reduces anxiety and stress. This practice has caused me to act in accordance with my values many times over the past several months, with the kids and my wife and at work.
I am especially more inclined to apologize to my wife more quickly than I have in the past. This morning I flew off the handle when my wife asked me to free up some hard drive space on her computer as I was walking out the door for work. I immediately realized that I had overreacted and I took a deep breath and apologized. I left for work with a kiss instead of a grunt. These moments are key for maintaining harmonious relationships with my wife, kids and friends.

Mindfulness is the answer.

2006-12-01T20:19:00.000-08:00

I have been having great success over the past several months with mindfulness practice in my parenting. I have been meditating twice a day for 6 months. This has helped me practice returning to my breath when I become consumed by negative emotions. I can immediately deal with these emotions and then take the appropriate action, instead of flying off the handle.

Patience goals for vacation week.

2006-06-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

I vow to treat my wife with respect all week long. I will listen intently to her ideas and stories and ask for clarification when I do not understand the emotions that she is trying to convey. I will laugh without abandon when she tells a funny story. I will be patient when I do not hear something she says or if I misinterpret something she says. Because she is brilliant and fun and worthy of the benefit of the doubt. Most of the time if I get snappy with her I realize that it was something that I misread or did not fully understand.

I vow this week to treat my children with respect. I will hug them and kiss them as often as they can possibly stand. I will tell them each time when they say something remarkable. I will tell them how much I enjoy their company and how much I want to be with them. I will laugh at their pre-school jokes just like when I was back in preschool, because it was funny then. I refuse to let my anger reduce our enjoyment of our vacation. I refuse to be selfish at mealtime or bedtime. If I want to eat a hot meal I will explain that to my kids and ask them to help me achieve my goal. If they cooperate, great, if not then I will continue to use my calm words to induce them to cooperate. There is no excuse for yelling at my kids. I will see life from their eyes this week.

I will enjoy time with my mom and my sister. I will laugh at my mom's jokes because they are funny. I will not poke fun at her. I will enjoy her company.

Best way to wake up.

2006-04-25T11:41:00.000-07:00

I awoke to this conversation this morning:

I was sleeping in T’s room and they were in L’s room.

L: “I have a boyfriend.”

That statement woke me right up.

T: “You do not.”

L: “I do too.”

Daddy waits……

L: “It’s Daddy!”

Daddy’s heart melts.

Gardening with the kids.

2006-04-19T19:06:00.000-07:00

L and T had a ball with me putting in our garden. I loved and cherished every second of the time that we spent together.
T and I worked on the garden during every spare moment of the Easter weekend. After his morning Easter Egg hunt we started putting up the fence. We struggled to push the wire into the clips on the fence posts. T and I would both push hard on the wires and finally they would clip in. We would smile at each other and hug.
After one tough clip T put out his hand for a high five.
"T, do you know that is the first time you ever offered ME a high five?"
T sat and thought about this and then smiled. "Wow!" he exclaimed. And then he slowly raised up his hand and offered me another one. I then received my first 100 high fives from T.
Later, L joined us for weed removal. L and T grunted and groaned and pulled up many weeds and stubborn roots. I hugged them after a big extraction and helped them with the humongous ones.
"Daddy you sure are strong!"
"You will both be stronger than me before long." I replied.
The kids like that answer.
T and L squirreled away many worms into their bug catchers. Later these would be deposited in the composter.
"Those worms are really going to mix up our compost!" I exclaimed.
"You betcha." Exclaimed T.
Finally it was time to get some seeds in. Broccoli and Lettuce were the crops du jour. The kids tried to dig rows, but they were very short and deep. I showed them how they could make the receptacle with their fingers.
L went to plant her broccoli seeds and realized that they had fallen out of the package. She looked crushed.
"oops, I exclaimed. Defective package. T, can L plant some of your lettuce seeds?"
T's response to these types of questions was always the same loving answer:
"Sure!"
L was satisfied and she helped T sow his rows of lettuce seeds.
Finally it was time to water. The temperature was at most 50 degrees. But that did not stop L from stripping down and sprinting through the sprinkler. T was right behind her. My hair stood up just watching them.
"Watch out for the seeds!"
"OK, daddy."
What a blast we had. I had been telling the kids bedtime stories about our garden all winter. Each time we read a Winnie the Pooh book I would tell them that we would have a garden just like Rabbit's. Those seeds were sown this Easter weekend where every time I asked T if he wanted to work in the garden he responded with:
"Sure!"

Splitting wood with T.

2006-02-12T19:24:00.000-08:00

While M slept, I put up a tire swing for L and T. They were having a ball with it. I let them play while I went inside to get a chainsaw and maul axe. I figured I would split some wood while they played on the swing.
T was curious as to my project.
"What are you doing dad?"
"Chopping wood."
"Can I help?"
"Sure!"
I cut up the trees that I had dropped last fall. T collected the smaller pieces and loaded them into the barell. He tried to split a few of them with the 8 lb. maul axe. Since he only weighs about 40 lbs. he did not generate much force:(
He landed a few direct hits and then gave up.
Then daddy started splitting the bigger logs.
T would run for cover as I sent the wood flying. Then he would hustle and scoop up the scraps and load them into the wheelbarrow.
"I am going to carry the wheelbarrel up the hill!" exclaimed T.
"Go for it my man!"
I did not think T would be able to budge the wheelbarrow. The hill was steep and there was a fair amount of wood in the barrow.
But to my amazement T got it moving. I watched him move it for 20 yards until the hill got extremely steep and he got stuck.
"Need some help T?" I called out.
"No, dad!"
T tried non stop for 5 minutes to move that wood up the hill. I watched him push and pull and then push again. Finally he lied down spread eagle at the base of the barrow, defeated.
"Dad! I could use some help!"
I ran over and started to pull the wheelbarrow. I was amazed that T was able to move it an inch. I could barely move the thing. Then I looked back and saw T hitching a ride.
I figured that he had earned it. During the ride up the hill I told T about persistence and how he had plenty of it. I told him that the characteristic would help him to become an astronaut or a scientist or whatever he wanted to be.
T looked pleased.

Father Daughter dance at the YMCA

2006-02-12T19:19:00.000-08:00

The second annual YMCA father daughter dance was a resounding success. J bought L a party dress for the event. I got all spiffed up in a tie and jacket. It was a cute date night for daddy and L.
L and I danced the night away. L's favorites were the Macarana and YMCA. I enjoyed doing both dances with my little princess.
We had an absolute ball. I spun L around, over my head, through my legs, on my shoulders, ect... I even tried to do some splits!

Sick day with M.

2006-02-02T19:04:00.000-08:00

The family has been sick. Mommy has a stomach bug. M has oral herpes that is killing her teeth. T and L are coughing and fatigued. Mommy called me at work on Tuesday and said that I had to take Weds. Off.
I looked at my calendar.
"Weds. Is the worst day of the week. I have staff meetings and 3 other meetings." I said.
I thought hard during the silence.
I scanned my calendar and was amazed to see that Thursday was wide open. "How about Thursday?" Can you hang in until then?
Mommy replied begrudgingly that she could manage until then.

I slept with M on Tues. And Weds. Nights. Tuesday was rough, but Weds. She slept right through. I felt good going into Thursday with the kids.
M's teeth have been extremely sore. Everyt time something touches her mouth she is sent into a crying fit. Mommy had been in this hurricane for 3 days straight. She desperately needed a break. I realized however that when we are all around the house that we can hurt each other as much as we can help each other.
If I stayed home and was defensive and irritable then I would be no help to her at all. I meditated on this idea in the morning. I vowed to be of service to my wife today. I vowed never to react to her emotions and to always respond with empathy. This week had been tough and her nerves were frayed. This day would bring out some difficult personality traits. When our personalities clashed I vowed not to escalate it into an argument.
It did not take long for the challenges to begin. M would not go to me in the morning. She desperately wanted to cling to momma, who she had been attached to for 3 days. Eventually I was able to coerce M into the tub and the kids and I took a bath.
Mommy headed into her office to get some work done.
After the bath it was time for a family project. I jumped on the web and looked up a volcano recipe for the kids. We made volcanic eruptions for the next hour. I took my eyes off of M for a second and she was head to toe in green food coloring.
"Look dad, M's playing Shrek!" announced T.
I busted a gut over that one.
Back up to the tub for papa and M. Luckily I had left the bath water in the tub, just in case. The older kids joined us after a few minutes.
After we got dried up, mommy tried to take the older kids to the library. J already looked refreshed after just 2 hours of peace. Once M saw mommy, however, she was not to be denied.
"Mommy! Mommy!" She wailed.
I patiently tried to coax her off of mommy's leg, but to no avail. J was about to turn on the TV when I said.
"Wait, she might go for some videos on the laptop."
"D, I have had 3 days of this and I can't take any more!" J replied and she turned on the TV.
I took a deep breath and tried to empathise with J's plight. I deeply dislike feeling overwhelmed and I even more deeply dislike expressing that I am overwhelmed. I realized that my pride was not important at this time and a use of the outside voice from momma should be overlooked.
With the TV on, J was able to make a hasty exit.
I later coaxed M off the couch by offering to cut her toenails. I found out today that she loves this activity! We had a ball chomping the nail clipper on her piggies.
I put M down for her nap at 11:30 as J had requested. I made a salad for her and hotdogs and fries for the big kids.
We had a nice lunch when the rest of the family got home. J suggested that the older kids and I go for a hike.
We cut through the back yard to the golf course and for the first time the kids beat me to the course. L was on the 5th fairway making snow angels and T was asking to be picked up. We hiked for over a mile and covered many areas of the course that the kids had not seen.
When we got back M was awake. J seemed OK that she had been with M for a while. But soon M was crying again and mommy was getting visibly flustered. I scooped up M and tried to take her out to the car for a quick ride. She would have none of it. She screamed and hollered and fought to get out of her car seat.
Mommy came out after a few moments and took M out of her car seat and hugged her. I took a long deep breath and followed J back into the house. M was calming down now. We would need to put her infront of the TV again, however. This time she quickly lost interest and began wandering back down towards mommy's office.
"D, can you keep her out of here" Mommy scolded.
I again breathed deep and tried to think of something else to do. I retrieved a ball from downstairs and we began to play catch. This quickly became hit the kids in the head with the big ball. We played this for about an hour. Until M finally got caught in the teeth by an errant shot and began balling her eyes out.
Mommy arose from her office and shot me a look. I breathed it and let it go.

J and I had several other tough confrontations like this throughout the day. I did not react negatively to any of them. As a result, I believe, we had dozens of positive and loving interactions. At any rate, we definitely had more positive interactions since we were not dwelling on any arguments that we had throughout the day. J was also very loving and fun to be around for the majority of the day as well.

It is important to note that I did not hold all of these exchanges inside where they would eventually blow out into a full blown fight later. I was able to reduce my sensitivity to those exchanges and truly let them go.

How many people love L?

2006-01-01T19:29:00.000-08:00

My wife popped in on my daughter L and I during her bedtime routine. I was spotting L on a handstand in the corner.
"Helping her wind down, daddy?" scoffed J.
"This is our last set, right L?"
I eased L down onto her belly and scooped her up into bed.
"Daddy, who gave me this blanket?"
"My friend, J from college."
"Why did he get it for me?"
"Because he loves you." I replied. "Lots of people love you. Would you like to count them?"
"Yes!" L replied enthusiastically.
"T and M love you. Mom and Papa love you." I continued on for a bit. I ticked off her school friends and L began to make a face.
"J doesn't love me, she loves mommy." I realized that this was true and laughed.
"OK." I replied, "Who else?"
"C loves me."
"Great. And how about your teacher, Mrs. H."
L confirmed that one.
"What about uncle E and auntie J."
"Good one." I replied. "And their girls A and P."
"What about M?" retorted L.
"Absolutely."
We continued on and on.
"How many is that?" Asked L.
"55." I replied.
"Wow. Can you please write that down so we can start from there tomorrow night?"
I smiled. "You bet, and maybe we can start the list of people that you love."
"OK." L replied.
I gave L a huge hug and went downstairs for some yoga.

Fantastic New Years Eve with the kids.

2006-01-01T19:19:00.000-08:00

We had our annual New Years Eve party last night. The kids ran around the house, mixing with the adults at times and conspiring in the play room at others.
My favorite part of the evening is the simulated ball drop at 8 PM. All of the kids huddled in the living room and counted backwards from 10. When we hit 1 all the kids whooped it up and screamed and hollered. After dust had settled L began chanting:
"Again, Again."
My buddy J yelled out, OK, now let's do new year's in Iceland.
"10, 9..."
We did the countdown no less than 30 times. We hit a dozen time zones and scores of cities. The kids were shouting out their favorites and soon began starting the countdowns themselves. At that point the joy was selfsustaining. No adult intervention was required.
Another magical moment with the kids that I will never forget.

Tony Dungy's goodbye to his son.

2005-12-27T19:25:00.000-08:00

I just cried my eyes out reading Tony Dungy's eulogy to his son. He said his last goodbye to his 18 year old boy at the airport and did not get a chance to hug him.
"Hug your kids every chance you get. I'll never forget the fact that I did not hug my son that last time."
That was one of the saddest thing that I have ever heard. Tony Dungy has to live with that last memory for the rest of his life. And the great man that he is, he summoned the strength to tell that story to the world during the toughest time of his life.
It is truly humbling to know that a parent can do so many things right and the events of our world can overwhelm a young man with his whole life ahead of him. I realize today that I need to double my efforts and give everything that I can to my kids. I vow to hug them every chance that I can get.
But if their experience overwhelms them, then I have to learn some way to let them go in the courageous manner that Tony D. did today.

This I believe.

2005-12-10T19:12:00.000-08:00

The following is my submission to the This I believe segment on NPR:

I believe in the Dalai Lama. Anger is a vestige of evolution and it needs to be managed through patience practice. Negative emotions bring us a blind, selfish energy that too often results in harm to others. Our empathy and compassion towards others needs to be our guiding emotions in this life. I believe true happiness comes from connecting with and helping others.

I believe in Ben Franklin and Tony Robbins. I think that a positive outlook on life is one of the keys to happiness. Entrepreneurship, hard work and perseverance are inherent in all of humanity. Our perspective and the manner in which we apply our emotions to our experience color how we view each event in our lives. If we can exist without prejudice and see each new event as an opportunity then we are living life to its fullest. If we can enjoy our work, then we enjoy all of our days, instead of simply our days off.

I believe in Natural Healing and Dr Andrew Weill. Our bodies are perfect creations that have the miraculous ability to heal themselves. Listening to my body’s signals is essential and I respond with natural solutions to its messages. A vegetarian diet and yoga practice are examples of the disciplines that have resonated with me and my body.

I believe in my kids. If I instill loving values into my children then they will each do ten times the good works that I will accomplish. Therefore, every second that I invest in them will manifest itself ten fold in benefits for society. I practice patience with my children. I try to never interact with them when I am angry. I give myself more timeouts than I administer to them. I hug them and tell them I love them 30 times a day. I get them dressed in the morning and put them each to bed when I get home at night.

I believe in my wife. I think she is ringmaster. She manages more in a day than I could possibly hope to juggle in a year. I am grateful when dinner is ready when I come home, no matter what is prepared. I take a deep breath and say “Yes dear.” If she asks me if I know that I am supposed to take a right at the next set of lights. I insist that she take a nap on the weekends while I play with all 3 kids. I insist she get out of the house some nights so that she feels that her life is in balance. I believe in a mutually fulfilling and healthy sex life. I am thankful for Vasectomies.

I believe in an interconnected web of human relationships. I am happy when I see another person and I prove it to them by smiling at them with my mouth and eyes. I often witness another’s face completely change after they see my unassuming smile. I hope I instill each person that I meet with more positive emotion and energy. Then they can bring that energy into their relationships and lift up the web of life.

Reading to T's class

2005-12-02T09:56:00.000-08:00

I love working close to home. It is one of the top things that I look for in my work. I was reminded of why today.

I took an early lunch and went over to my son's preschool to read some books to the kids. T picked out a dinosaur book that morning. I picked out a feelings book. As we were headed out the door, L suggested that we bring our family picture album. I was hesitant, but I brought it to appease L. The album turned out to be a huge hit.

I arrived at 11:30 to T beaming at the door. It was cleanup time and I got down on my hands and knees and helped pickup the toys. I spoke with D and K about where the hammers and stethoscope were stored. Then it was time to read.

I sat up in front of the class. 12 little beaming faces were ready to hear about dinosaurs. We started with Brontosaurus. The kids ooohed about how big he looked in the book. We talked about other objects that are 70 feet long.
"He was as long as 3 school buses." I said. "And much taller than the school."
I let that sink in and turned the page.
I asked the kids to pick their favorite color dinosaur from the next page. It was an even split between pink and green.
The T-Rex page was definitely the favorite. I hyped it up very well.

Next I breezed through the feeling book. The kids easily recognized the angry face and were able to demonstrate it well. They did the same with the happy face. This is another one of Todd Parr's excellent books.

The finale was the vacation album that J ordered from snapfish. That was a big hit with the teachers and kids. There is a picture of M at 14 months chillin in her car seat. The kids loved it as much as I did.

The look on T's face when I arrived at school was truly priceless. I loved meeting his friends and feeling the atmosphere at school. It was magic. I love that kid.

Encouraging awe in nature.

2005-11-15T18:57:00.000-08:00

My wife and I went to the bookstore the other night. I love browsing with no topic in mind. I browse technology and fitness and see what pops off the shelf. I was in the science section and I found a great book called the Universe http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0756613647/qid=1132110085/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/002-8678562-1048066?v=glance&s=books.
It is a huge volume with creative images from the atom to the sun. Numerous shots from the Hubble telescope are featured. I knew the kids would love the astronomy section.
I showed the kids the book the next day. L and T asked me to take it down from the special shelf on 4 separate occasions. We poured over the maps of the stars. There was a section for the November sky in the Northern and Southern hemispheres.
"Let's find the North Star." I suggested.
We poured over the book for a moment.
"Ooops!" said L. "We should be looking in the Northern Hemisphere for that."
She was right again. Daddy was on the wrong page. 5.5 years old. The kids really amaze me.
"There is the big dipper and there is the little dipper." I said.
"Wow." said T.
Later that night when I was putting M to bed the older kids were getting into their silly mode. This has been a pattern for the past few nights.
"Guys! Why don't you get your coats on and we will go out and look at the sky? Maybe we can find some constellations."
It was curious that I did not have to repeat that suggestion. The kids sprinted downstairs and had their jackets on in 1 minute. A new family record. M and I were the last ones ready.
We went around the house and shut out all of the lights. That was an exciting project. When the house was in pitch blackness the kids and I headed out back.
"Look! The little dipper!" T exclaimed.
He was right on. "You've got it T!" I encouraged.
M called out: "Moooo."
"Yes, M!" I said. "That is the moon!"
"Where are all the stars?" Asked L.
"It is a little cloudy tonight. We will see some more stars another night. But aren't the ones that we can see beautiful?"
"Yeah." Replied L and T.
I think these expeditions and learning projects build a sense of awe in the kids about nature. Throughout the day we talked about how many stars are in the universe. I think the kids will grow up with a healthy mindset, knowing the true nature of the universe.

Patience pondering

2005-11-10T19:19:00.000-08:00

The following is a post that I left in response to a patience question on yahoo groups:

Yes, I would love to share some ideas on the patience topic. Your observation of thinking before you speak is a great thought to keepin mind. It has saved me many times and there are many times that Iwish I had employed it.

Also, you mentioned the challenge of parenting when you are tired or cranky. It is good to know when you are tired or your blood sugar is low. When I am operating in this mode I consider myself in the danger zone or Orange alert. I try to remain extra vigilant with my patience.
The classic patience technique is counting to 10 and taking deepbreaths. It is easy to say, but I think it is really hard to do in the heat of battle. It feels weird to stand up and walk out of the room without saying a word. It feels like you are giving in,somehow. But the several times I have utilized it, it has been a real homerun. It diffuses the situation and the adrenaline clears from my system.

Another physical cause of patience failure is when the kids are screaming and causing actually pain in your ears. I believe this is a biological reaction that causes us to become hyper alert.Adrenaline is again released into my system and I have to become consious of my actions. I have to consciously realize that the pain in my ears is simply temporary. My ears always feel better moments later.

Often times the kids will rope me into their arguments. One is crying because they were hit or one of the kids is yelling at their mother. The anger spreads through the room like wildfire. It is Ariel emotional master that can keep it cool in these situations. Don't take sides. I remind myself that this is not my anger, it is theirs. They are angry. If I can remain impartial and see things from all sides then I can offer healthy alternatives. Again if I am worried about my ears, or my peace and quiet then I am doomed. Also if I pick a side I am also not doing one party much of a service.

Another patience trigger is when I perceive that the kids are making work for myself or my wife. Intentionally spilling water. Making tons of noise after I have just put our youngest down. These actions really challenge me. I have to remember to breathe deep and recall that they are only children acting as children are supposed to. I also try to remember that the perceived work is seldom as much as I expect.

Whenever I put myself in the kids shoes I generally achieve the empathy that I need to successfully manage a challenging situation. I think of these things as patience "swing thoughts". At any time one of them may come in handy and I hope I am aware enough to bring it to the forefront of my mind.

Does anyone have any other good suggestions on patience?

Passing on values at bedtime.

2005-11-02T18:31:00.000-08:00

Each night when I put T to bed he asks for a story. I use this time to convey my values to my little man.
Many nights we pick a profession where he can help humans or animals. For instance he will accompany Steve the crocodile hunter on a mission to save injured crocodiles in the outback. He rescues crocodiles from trees and fixes there cavities while Steve holds their mouths open.
Other nights T will drink a potion that he invented and turn himself into a dinosaur or some other creature. The creature will help mankind in someway. When he is a Brontosaurus, he can give children rides at the park. When he is a dragon he can help me burn stumps out of the backyard. T is always having fun and helping out.
Last night was one of our best. He said he wanted to be himself in this story. I told him that he could cook a meal for the Monday night supper for the homeless at our church.
"What do you want to cook T?"
T thought long and hard for 30 seconds. I waited patiently for his response, doing all that I could not to lead him.
Finally T decided: "Gingerbread cookies."
"Great! I am sure that they will love them."
"What ingredients do we need and how do we make them?" I asked.
"We need eggs, flour, sugar, milk and a great big bowl! And then we stir it!" T replied enthusiastically.
"Perfect. What should we use for eyes?"
"Chocolate chips." Replied T.
L was listening patiently and keeping quiet during T's story. Then she piped in:
"Dad, this is like when we made the grilled cheese sandwiches for the youth group lunch at church!"
"Exactly!" I exclaimed.
"And did those kids appear happy when they received their sandwiches?"
L paused. "Yes, they looked very happy."
"I think the hungry people at our church will feel just as happy to eat T's cookies."
"Yeah." replied T. "Now can I have a dinosaur story?"

It is tempting to give T exactly what he asks for each night. Stories filled with action and gore that scare the pajamas off of him. Instead I try to fill the stories with values like hard work, enjoying your work, and helping make the world a better place. I try to keep away from stories with villains and heros who overcome treachery. I hope T will build a world full of cooperation and win-win scenarios instead of win-lose. Especially when the winner needs to resort to violence to get the job done. Can you see where I stand on the Disney films?

Halloween meltdown.

2005-10-31T19:20:00.000-08:00

My oldest daughter L, 5.5 years has never eaten 5 servings of candy before bedtime until tonight. She also has never had an emotional meltdown of this proportion, ever. Coincidence? I don't think so.
The meltdown got started as I was putting M to bed. L and T were playing in the bathtub. I could hear that they were having way too much fun and I suspected water was flying everywhere. As I put M down I heard mommy address the troops.
"Alright, that's it. L in your room, T in your room. You are going to bed by yourselves tonight!"
L was furious.
"I want daddy! I want to go in to T's room with daddy."
I was working on T's reading with him in his room. He was making progress reading his first short book when L burst into the room: "Mom said I could come in if you said it was OK."
"It is fine L, if you can listen while T reads his book."
L immediately jumped up next to T. It is tough to get T to concentrate on a book, so I was a little frustrated when L began sounding out the letters for T. T became frustrated and threw the book across the room.
"L, I asked you to listen while T reads his book."
That was too much constructive criticism for L to bear.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaa"
That was another fine instance of daddy speaking without thinking. As the words were coming out of my mouth I knew she was in no state to handle them.
I let her cry for 30 seconds and then spoke:
"L, this behavior is keeping T awake. I will count to 60. When I am done counting you need to have calmed down."
I began counting. By 10 she had stopped crying. At 30 I tried to rub her back, but she pushed my hand away. By 60 we were all ready to brush the sugar film off of our teeth.
I loaded up the toothbrushes and L demanded that she get her teeth brushed first. T was right next to me so I ignored her request and started scrubbing T's teeth. Again this injustice was too much for L to bear.
"Daddy you're not nice! I wanted to go first!"
I knew nothing that I could say was going to help at this point. Luckily my wife arrived and swept L off into her room.
I told T about 3 minutes of his bedtime story. Tonight he wanted to be a gingerbread man. He and all his friends became the fastest creatures on earth. "Faster than a cheetah?" asked T.
"Yeah, faster than a cheetah." They were just finishing a game of freeze tag in gingerbread land when mommy came in.
"L wants you." J muttered.
I went into L's room and there she was with her arms outstretched waiting for a hug. I gave her a huge hug and squeezed her firmly for 2 full minutes. When I let go we talked about Trick or Treating, the neighbor's costumes and anything else we could think of. It was as if she had been exorcised. I stayed for 10 minutes and kissed her goodnight. She went to bed without further incident.
When L gets into those moods I try to remember a time when I was younger and was really upset. The time that I remember most clearly is when my favorite football team the Dallas Cowboys lost to the 49rs in the NFC championship game. I cried for 2 hours and was generally inconsolable. I threw many things around the living room as well. When I see L in that state I remember exactly how I felt when I was in her shoes. I hug her, but I also try to give her healthy alternatives to channel her feelings. The counting drill was one effective drill. Getting away and getting some quiet time to yourself is another method that works for me.

Bedtime zen master.

2005-10-21T19:24:00.000-07:00

After 5 and a half years of parenting I may have unlocked the key to the nighttime routine. I have experienced 3 nights in a row of bedtime bliss. I have remained calm and collected while the 3 monkeys have screamed, hit, whined and cried. What has been the secret you ask? Letting go.
Number one.: I let go of the idea that I deserve to have peace and quiet in my home. We all live there. Occasionally someone's emotions will get the better of them and they will use their outside voice. The pain in my ears is momentary, but a pattern of angry reactions will leave scars on my little angels for a lifetime. When an angel uses an outside voice I gently remind them that they need to use their inside voices.
Number two: Human beings go to bed when they are ready. I can set them up for success with a calm and quiet environment, but the rest is up to them.
Number three: If the kids are over tired and yelling and screaming, it is them that is suffering, not me. I can feel their pain and empathize with it. I know how it feels to drive a hammer into my thumb when I am tired. I want to curl up and go fetal. My role is to be there for them as a calm and steady lighthouse in their emotional hurricane.

Enough theory. Time for some examples. The last 3 nights were legendary not because the kids were angels, but because they were sick and very challenging.
L first tried to break up M's bedtime routine. I calmly repeated my request for her to leave her sister's room. She complied. I realized that there is no way for L to know if I am putting M to bed when the door is closed. I may have L make a Do Not Disturb sign this weekend during project time.
Later L refused to let me have alone time with T. She claimed it was unfair and that T always got the most attention at bedtime. I reflected on this and realized that she had a point. I tried to let her stay in the room with T. Sure enough, this time T drifted off to sleep while his sister read quietly next to him in bed.
Next L and I played patty cake. We agreed on 3 games. We got through one game and then L decided to change the game slightly. I did not understand her new rules and I made a mistake at the end of the second game. L had a breakdown and began crying and yelling. I told her that I would finish the last game if she could calm down.
She was relentless. She screamed that she needed to replay the second game. She refused to start the third game until I fixed my blunder in the second game.
I told her I needed to get out of the room for a while and calm down. L followed me downstairs, yelling and sobbing uncontrollably.
I sat on the couch and closed my eyes. L hit me with a pillow and began waving her arms out in front of me, pretending to hit me. None of these actions have resulted in consequences in our home, so L masterfully tested the boundaries.
"Do not hit, me. Bedtime is over if you hit me."
"Two more games!"
I closed my eyes again and pondered the situation. I had already wasted 10 minutes of L's bedtime by not replaying the second game. It would take 30 seconds to play the game. I decided to consciously cave in to her demand in this case.
I opened my eyes and said:
"OK, two more games. Please give me a hug and I will carry you to bed."
Off we went. Two more games and L was out like a light.

The nights were full of challenging scenes like this. Especially at toothbrushing time. I really think we have a vanishing stepping stool. At 8PM they are in no condition to share one. But the techniques that I have mentioned are key to nighttime success. Model calmness and patience. The pain in your ears will subside and you will be the zen master of bedtime.

Patience with my Mom.

2005-10-16T19:29:00.000-07:00

My mom was kind enough to sit for us on Saturday night. When I came home I was totally exhausted. I had played with the kids all day and conversed with buddies for the previous 3 hours. I was ready to hit the sack hard. My mom and I chit chatted a bit and she headed out the door. As she left she inquired: "Now where did I put my keys?"
The classic question of aging mom's. I shrugged and helped her look under the couch cushions. Then it was out into the driveway with a flashlight while my mom emptied her purse. I was tired and my patience is easily challenged when I am weary. Fortunately tonight I recognized this fact and collected myself as I searched the driveway.
I reminded myself that I lose my keys all the time. I also reminded myself that the worst case scenario was that I would drive my mom home to get her spare key and back. That would take a half an hour at the most. I would certainly survive that. My mom had also done me a huge favor tonight and deserves lots of key losing latitude.
I took a final deep breath and entered the house. "Where are those darn things?" My mom was starting to get a bit agitated, but was pretty calm for 11:30. I liked to think she was feeding off of my calmness.
In my calm state I picked up my moms coat. I had already checked the pockets, but thought I would check a final time. I patted the coat down and felt the lump of the keys in the middle of the left side. There was a hidden pocket there and mom must have slipped them in.
I produced the keys with a magicians slight of hand and a smile. "Where did you find those?" My mom asked, amazed.
"Right where you left them, mom." I replied.
"Thank you so much." She said. Good night.

I can think of many times when similar situations have gone poorly between myself and my mom. We used to get more agitated with each other when things did not go as planned. I hope my appreciation of my mother and all that she does for me has helped during these encounters.
I also believe these calm encounters will be witnessed by my kids and serve as examples. The kids are sharp. They will pick it up.

Computer time with the kids.

2005-10-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

During M's nap I decided to try computer time with the kids. T on one machine and L on the other. L loaded her Blue's clues kindergarten CD. It teaches her about reading, math and science. It is great. T wanted to do Land Before Time, but I insisted on the Hooked On Phonics CD. He acquiesced and began working on his letter sounds.
The game asked "Which letter makes the sound UH". The letter "U" came up as a choice with a bunch of other letters. T was stumped. He looked at me to throw him a bone.
"Uh, Umbrella." I paused grasping for another U word. "Uh Underpants!"
T laughed so hard he almost fell off the chair.
"That's U". He clicked on the letter.
I worked on cleaning up the kitchen while I listened to T answer the questions about letter sounds. Soon he shouted: "I won, I won the game!"
I hustled over and gave T a big hug. "Great job buddy!"
His next game was a rhyming game. I remembered L had struggled with this one, so I sat down next to T while he learned the game. "You need to pick the word with the same ending sound, T. Get it?"
"I've got it." T exclaimed.
And he sure did. He ripped through the game in about 3 minutes.
I watched in amazement as he easily picked the rhyming sounds. At the end of the game we high fived and hugged.
"T, you have a very smart brain in that head!" I said as I tapped his skull.
"Yeah, I do have a very smart head!"
We continued this ritual as he breezed through another 8 games. We would hug and celebrate and high five as he sounded out the words and completed the levels.
Eventually he hit a level that was too advanced and we decided to take a break.

I think T made some great progress towards reading today. We enjoyed the time together and celebrated his learning and growth. We both had a blast.

Asking for help.

2005-09-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

After a full day with the kids I felt my patience slipping. I had just put M down. I had gotten L and T's teeth brushed. Now all I needed was some quiet time for T so that he could get to sleep. T was demanding a story, and I was looking forward to telling that story and listening to him drift off to sleep.
The monkey in the wrench was L. She was jumping and tickling T until he started kicking her. I knew I was going to have to physically remove L or coax her to leave the room. I felt my blood pressure rising and breath shortening.
I really wanted to give my wife the whole night off, but I was cooked. I took a deep breath, left the room, calmly walked downstairs and called in the reinforcements.
"J, can I get a hand upstairs. I just need you to take L for a minute while I put T down. Once he is out I will take over with L."
"Sure." She replied.
The story with T was a riot. He had shown up at this mornings soccer game with his buddy J. They were both dressed in full Power Rangers costumes. They headed padded muscles, swords and helmets. It was adorable. So tonight, the Power Rangers T and J traveled in their space craft to the planet TJ. On that planet there were many dinosaurs. T and J flew berries up to the Brontosaurus'. They also helped to keep the T-Rex's away by spinning them around by their tails and throwing them in the river!
T thought that was hilarious and asked me to tell it over and over.
I finished the story and did some sit ups while T drifted off to sleep. L was sleeping when I emerged from the room. The kids were all set.
I was happy that I recognized that I was losing my patience and that I went for help. In the past I would have tried to handle that myself and would have picked up L in anger and moved her into her room by force. I always feel deep regret when I do that. Or worse, I would have yelled at her and admonished her for her lack of cooperation. That is not very realistic or empathic towards her state of mind at that time of night. That was a huge win to finish off an all star day. I feel lucky to have my wife around.

10 kids in the yard.

2005-09-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

Today was a dream day. L scored her goal in the morning at her organized game. This afternoon we had tons of neighborhood kids in the yard and our cousins A and P.
I thought it was a perfect time to get a pickup soccer game going. We only played for about a half and hour, but it was really fun. I played and passed with the girls. I think it was great for L and T to see some older kids play the game. They saw some good passing and dribbling and hopefully got some ideas for their games.
I loved having all of the kids around the house. My theory is that if neighborhood kids love to hang out at our house, then so will our kids. We we all be relaxed and hopefully can talk about anything as we play soccer of whiffle ball or whatever.
I also love mentoring A and P. A taught me how to do some gymnastics moves. She helped me do a walkover with a little help from M's baby slide. I walked up with my feet on the ladder while doing a bridge with my hands on the grass. Then I pushed off on the ladder and went up into a handstand and over onto my feet.
Later, A, P and my family went apple picking. P (11 years old) pondered how many apples were in the orchard.
"How could you find out?" I asked.
"I could count them." Replied P.
"How long would that take?"
"About 10 years." She replied.
"Could you estimate?"
"I could count the apples on one tree. Then I could find out how many trees are in the orchard and I could multiply."
I was blown away. That seems pretty brilliant for an 11 year old.
"Fantastic. How are you going to find out how many trees there are?"
"I can ask somebody in the barn."
"Great idea."

L scores a goal.

2005-09-24T20:14:00.000-07:00

This morning's soccer game was fantastic. I led the kids through warm ups with the other coaches and then we started to play.
L plays in the under 6 league. The orange team kicked off and swarmed down the field. L played some super defense. I watched her anticipate where the ball was going and position herself correctly, without ever getting guidance from an adult.
I cheered for L and all of the other girls on the yellow team when they made great plays. I also gently reminded them not to use their hands, ect..
The orange team scored a couple of goals. Their coach whispered to me that their star player was a champion ice skater. Pretty cool.
Late in the second half, C on our team had a throw in. I was carrying M around the field as I coached the other girls. I called to C and told her that L was open in the middle of the field. C is an excellent athlete and hurled the ball toward L. L settled the ball like a pro and turned it up field. She split two defenders and had a wide open breakaway.
The butterflies started once she broke clear and for 3 seconds the only thought that ran through my mind was: "Please God, let this go in!" I said it at least 5 times as she dribbled toward the goal. She unleashed a powerful shot in the lower left corner and made the twine sing.
I watched her toss her hands in the air and run back through her teammates. They all hugged her. Then she spotted me and sprinted over and jumped up into my arms.
No more goals were scored during the rest of the game, but our yellow team had some great chances. The girls were a little down about losing. I tried to pump them up by reminding them of their fantastic play:
"K, you had 2 great shots on goal."
"A, you had 3 amazing saves."
"Ka, you hit the post on one of your shots."
"We can't control how many goals each team scores. All we can do is our best, and the goals will come."
The girls really perked up as I mentioned each of their accomplishments and I believe that they forgot about the final score. It was not mentioned again.

I do anything to keep the kids around.

2005-09-20T19:18:00.000-07:00

I just put M down for her nap and my super wife had just headed out for a beauty day. L asked if she could play on the computer.
"Not now love. I have a better idea."
"What?"
"See the wood pile out back, under the clear tarp?"
"Yes."
"We are going to chop up all that wood and stack it in the garage."
No response.
"You guys get to do whatever part of the project that you want. You can start by bringing down the blue wheelbarrow. I will get the maul axe."
"Yeah! The big wheelbarrel!" Shouted T.
"Can I push one side, T?" Asked L.
"Sure." responded T.
They pushed the wheelbarrow across the yard. I laid down the biggest log to use for a base and was about to place another log on top to split. T grabbed the axe when I was not looking.
"I can split this one dad!"
He lifted the 8 pound axe and thumped it into the log. It made a much bigger dent than I ever would have thought he could at 4 years old.
"Wow, T! You almost split that log!"
He kept hitting it. Then L wanted a turn. I kept busy stacking some of the pieces that I had already split. Then I started shooting them into the wheelbarrow.
"Hey! Let me do that!" Called L.
She began filling the wheelbarrow with the split pieces of wood.
"T, can I take a swing now?"
"Sure, Dad."
I balanced a smaller piece of wood on the piece that T had been pounding. I asked the kids to stand way back because the pieces can fly. I easily whipped the axe through the air and split the wood with a direct hit. The 2 pieces went about 8 feet in opposite directions.
"Wow Dad, you were right. Those pieces do go far!"
I split a few more and then L and T wanted their turns splitting. I gathered up the wood while they diligently tried to split that piece of wood.
We moved 3 barrels full of wood into the garage. On the final piece I told the kids that they had really helped on that one.
"Guys, you got this piece started for me. It would have been much harder to split without all of your hard work."
The kids beamed. We all high fived and carried the last pieces of wood into the garage. T helped me stack while L rode her bike for a while.
"I love having you help me around the house, T."
"You are welcome, Dad."

The splitting may have taken a little longer with the kids, but it was so much more fun than doing it productively, but alone. We bonded, talked about the birds and the leaves and the cat and poop and whatever else came into our heads. I do whatever I can to keep them engaged in a project that I am working on. It is really a special time.

Choosing bed over the movies.

2005-09-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

L was getting ready for bed when she realized that K's stuffed dog was in her bed.
"I need to bring this to K!" L exclaimed.
"Sure." I replied.
K and her siblings were downstairs. We were sitting for them while their parents enjoyed a well earned night out together. I forgot that my wife had put their kids in front of a movie until their parents got home.
L dropped off the dog and stared at the TV screen.
"I want to watch the movie."
I gently scooped her up and brought her back to her room.
"But I want to watch the movie daddy!" L protested.
"L, those kids aren't even interacting. The are sitting in front of a TV screen. You decide whether you want to feel rested for church tomorrow, or whether you want to waste your sleep time in front of the TV."
L did not mention the TV again. I was so proud of her as I watched her drift off to sleep. At 5 and a half she consciously made the investment in her coming day instead of wasting her time infront of a movie.
There were many a night that I wasted up late watching the Sox or some other irrelevant trash. I am glad L is learning to make these decisions consciously now.

I love you more than Mommy, Daddy.

2005-09-10T18:02:00.000-07:00

L issued this statment the other night:
"I love you a little bit more than mommy." Whispered L before bedtime.
"Why?" I asked wondering where in the world this was going.
"Mommy gets angrier more than you."
I let that one go, but noted that my anger management and patience exercises may be paying off. My wife is an all-world parent and to have my patience placed in higher regard than hers was a nice compliment.
My parenting thought of the week has to be: "Their problems are their problems in the end." I can coach, I can coax, I can help as much as I want, but in the end their problems are theirs.
Nighttimes have become so much easier now that I stay out of the kid's fights. I also no longer micro-manage their bed-times. At 8 they are simply in their rooms and they can wind down as they please.
Another great parenting thought has been ignoring their yelling. At least not taking to heart like I used to. I used to feel entitled to a calm atmosphere in the home. I thought my eardrums deserved not to be split every night. But instead of getting angry when my ears are molested by a screech, I try to suck it up and breathe through it. I also remember that the cause of the scream is not my problem. I can try to help solve it, but in the end, I do not own it. The little human at the other end of the hurricane needs to resolve their issue with help from me. That is a critical difference.

Morning at the Bird Sanctuary

2005-08-28T19:01:00.000-07:00

This morning the kids and I got up and went to the bird sanctuary a few towns over. I loaded up the double jogger and hustled the kids in the car. M already had her morning dump so there was no need for diapers or wipes, sweet.
We got to the sanctuary and asked about trails at the office. I let L do most of the talking. The woman behind the desk spoke to her as if she were an adult. It was refreshing. We got instructions on several trails and headed out. Our parting instructions were: "Look for Godzilla the snapping turtle at the Rock pond!"
We hiked down a rock trail and got to the first marsh. It was gorgeous. I put the older kids up on my shoulders one at a time and had them gaze out on the expanse of reeds and flowers.
"What a beautiful view. " Exclaimed T(4). I believe that quote sunk in after I have uttered it hundreds of times.
We continued on the trail. Each child would take turns in the carriage. When we got to the Rock pond we stopped and began looking for Godzilla. As we looked out on the pond two gargantuan blue herons soared into the pond from the heavens. The sight was so surreal that my breathing stopped.
The scene had the same effect on T: "Look! Two pterodactyls!" T exclaimed.
I did feel as if I had been transported back to the Jurassic period. There was something very nice about being alone with the kids in nature. I felt we had a much deeper connection than at the zoo where things are a little too hustle and bustle.
"Yeah, it looks like a Pteradon." Exclaimed L (5.5 yrs.) "The P is silent or it would sound like a Pa-Teradon" she proudly explained.
"That's brilliant L!" I exclaimed. "I didn't know you knew so much about silent letters."
L beamed. "And T, I feel like we are Chomper, Little Foot and Sara in the Land Before Time. Are those Petrie's parents out there?"
"Your imagination is great dad." Replied T.
I broke into hysterics at the whole conversation. We all laughed and headed to the rock ledge. I let the kids climb around on some pretty treacherous terrain. They handled it great. We had a ball.
We made it out to the beaver dam and then it was time for daddy to head back for his afternoon golf tournament with Uncle B. (We came in second and played out of our minds.)
It was another miraculous morning with the little angels.

Planting the garden.

2005-08-22T19:34:00.000-07:00

On Monday morning I was heading into work:
"T, we can bring the flowers out back and plant them tonight."
"I already brought 2 of them out back, dad."
I looked over at the plants and he had indeed brought two of them around the house. He was as excited about this project as I was. He spent and hour with me 2 weeks ago weeding the entire area. We also spent time telling bedtime stories about how we were going to plant a garden. I guess he was excited.
"Thanks T! I gave him a huge hug and a kiss."
T smiled: "I will did some holes too dad."
Sure enough, when I got home, T (4 yrs.) had dug two holes with his plastic hand shovel.
Great job T.
L was also very excited about the garden.
I explained to the kids that I needed to put the plants in the back of the garden, because we needed to grind out a stump in the front of the garden.
"Guys, the stump grinding machine will crush our flowers if we plant them near the stump. We need to plant in the back."
No argument from the troops. I brought out some peat moss and while I dug, the kids brought handfuls of peatmoss over and mixed it in with the dirt. M (1.5 yrs) was also part of this assembly line. It was totally adorable. She was head to toe dirt.
The kids watched and got very excited if we hit a rock or a root.
"Get the pick axe, daddy!" Shouted L.
With a couple of swings I would remove the obstruction.
All 3 of the kids worked with a passion. Running up the hill to get more peat and dumping it in the hole. I tried to give as little direction as possible and let their creativity run wild.
After the last mum was in I said: "Time for the water."
L and T sprinted for the hose.
"You hold the hose and I'll turn it on." Suggested L.
"OK." Agreed T.
T watered the flowers for a few mintutes and then began watering, M. M did not mind too much. She may have realized how dirty she was.
Bath time was a little stressful that night because the gardening had made us late. I needed to breathe deeply many times as the kids lost their focus many times during the nighttime routine. We were able to make it through with no yelling, however.
When I put T down he asked for his story.
"T, remember when we read about Rabbit in Winnie the Pooh? We said we were going to make a garden like his someday? Well we did it, man! We weeded the garden, put up fence posts, bought the plants, dug the holes and watered the plants. We did it T! We made a garden! How do you feel?"
"Good." Replied T with a big smile.
I hugged him again and said goodnight. I read L a short story and tucked her in and headed out for a run.
Any activity can be turned into a heavenly adventure with the kids. T has spent several hours of focused time creating his garden. I am really proud of him and L for thier hard work.

Working on the garden.

2005-08-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

The oldest 2 and I went to the flower store today to get some flowers for our garden. We missed vegetable season, but I wanted us to have the experience of getting some flowers in our garden.
We went to the store and waited for 20 minutes while the owner helped other customers with their flower arrangements. The kids played with the store's humongous tabby cat. Then we looked for a Bhudda statue for the garden. L kept looking at the cut roses and begged for some of them. I told her I would consider it, after we had met our original objective of getting flowers for the garden.
We all went out back and checked out some mums and other perenials. I let the kids pick out 2 flowers each. When we got back I allowed the kids to also pick out some roses. L pleaded for 5 roses and I thought that was reasonable, but T got to pick the color of 2 of them. L picked red and T picked white. Mommy was very excited to see those when we got home. But L was quick to point out: "Those flowers are for the whole family." I am not sure if mommy is used to sharing her flowers, yet:)
I was excited to get the flowers in the ground, but it was too hot. I did not want to overwork the kids and ruin an amazing morning, so we headed to aunt L's pool. Nighttime brought the concert in the park. It was and amazing day.
I am always amazed at how well the kids do in stores. We look around, but they are gentle with things. They understand the word "fragile". When we engage each other and tell stories and ask questions the time flies by.

Building self esteem at the park.

2005-08-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

L was jumping from apparatus to apparatus at the park. She was zipping around on a huge wheel that was suspended in the air. Her feet scraped against the ground and she began screaming:
"Daddy help!!!"
I knew she was not in pain and that this was some sort of game. I bristled at the loud noise and prepared for another shout.
"What is it love?" I asked.
"My feet hit the ground! I don't want my feet to touch the ground! Help Me!" L half whined and half screached.
The pitch sent shivers down my spine, but I took a deep breath and tried to help.
"L, I will be glad to help, but let me get into the game. Please do not yell at me. I do not yell at you."
"Alright, daddy."
She got back up on a balance beam and began to tip towards me. I extended a hand that she could grab if she needed it. She chose to take it, and smiled. She was grateful to have her game continue.
She jumped up on the monkey bars and then up and over them. She slid across the zip wire and landed on a platform. She jumped for the wheel again and spun almost entirely around. The tip of her toe was almost touching the platform when she started drifting slightly back.
I nudged the wheel and gave L just enough momentum to make it back to the platform. She looked back at me and smiled a huge smile. The next time she made it through the whole obstacle course without touching the ground with no help from daddy. We gave each other a huge hug.

I could have snapped at L or ignored her requests for help. It would have been easy the way that she asked for it. I was thankful that I was able to breathe deeply and get through to a deeply rewarding experience for both of us. That is much better than an argument.

Patience failure in the morning.

2005-06-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

This morning I was reading a new book to my son and youngest daughter at the breakfast table. The other two were happily chomping away at their cereal and listening to the book.
My eldest daughter came into the kitchen and exclaimed: "I want to read that book too, and I can't see it."
She snatched the book out of my hands and began reading it in her chair.
I got really angry.
"Fine, if that is the way you are going to behave then I will not read to anyone." I bitched.
What I could have said was: "I am taking my reading skills upstairs and taking a shower. NaNaNa."
At this point I felt my anger and was able to calm down. My wife took the book from my oldest daughter and everyone sat down to breakfast. The other two had hardly noticed that I had stopped reading.

I should have been more conscious of how much fun I was having reading to my two youngest. Then when L came along with her needs I could have realized that they conflicted with my own. Also, if I had seen her side of things I could have easily suggested that she move over to the other side of the table and read along with all of us.
The faster that I can feel that shot of anger down my spine the closer I will be to emotional mastery.
I believe I am getting closer.

Compassionate speaking.

2005-06-28T10:03:00.000-07:00

I have posted a thought on patience on my cube at work: "Think about compassion before you speak."
This reminder has been working very well with my wife and kids lately. I find myself making fewer knee jerk remarks that make family members angry.
By trying to put myself in the other person's shoes before I speak, I have been managing the emotional content of our exchanges much more effectively. There will be more on this in posts to follow.

Reducing competition between siblings.

2005-06-11T18:39:00.000-07:00

My daughter, L (5 and a half) looked troubled at bedtime.
"What's cooking?" I asked.
"Grampie said that he loves me more than anyone else, but that can't be true."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because you and mom are with us the most. You must love us the most."
I smiled and realized my daughter's wisdom. "Parents and grandparents each have special love for their kids and grandkids. We all love you very much."
L smirked and said: "I know who you love the most....."
I froze and I felt a little sick to my stomach. I was not ready for my daughter to compare herself to her siblings. I wanted to nip this idea in the bud. My mind began preparing a lecture about how I love all of my kids the same. In my fear, I was about to launch into the diatribe when I realized that L had not told me what she was thinking.
"Who?" I asked.
"You love me, more than other kids. Like the girls that you coach on our soccer team. You love me and T and M more than them, right?"
She knows that I love all of my kids the same without me having to lecture about it. She lumped herself and her siblings together in the same package of super sized love. I was thankful that I had not jumped to my original conclusion.
"Yes, L. You are right. But I do try to love all of your friends as much as you. It is just that I love you so very much."
"I love you too daddy."

Stay out of the kid's fight.

2005-06-03T18:14:00.000-07:00

T and L were playing in the living room. I noticed that they had not cleared their dessert dishes from the kitchen table.
"Guy's, please clean up the table." I urged.
The kids kept right on playing.
I got down on the floor and looked T in the eye. "Time to clean up."
He moved towards the kitchen. L was already at the table. She realized that there was some ice cream left in T's dish and she quickly gobbled it up.
At 7:00 at night this injustice was too much for T to handle. He broke down into a screeching wail.
L on the other hand, sat at the table summarizing, while licking the rest of her plate clean.

What are my options in this situation? I thought to myself, "I have no dog in this fight. I have absolutely no stake in this crisis. The only thing that concerns me is the ear splitting yelling. If I can get over that, then the kids can work this out on their own."
But no sooner had I thought that, than T, cranked the volume up a notch. Then I thought of a solution and acted on it without thinking at all.
I grabbed L's bowl out of her hand.
"Wait L, you took T's ice cream, save him one bite of yours"
Now I had two sirens wailing, but T's had toned down quite a bit while he watched L and daddy battle.
"I only ate some of his jimmies! You're not nice!" L screamed.
T cranked the screaming back up.
I consciously directed my anger into my voice.
"You want to hear not nice!" I boomed in my deepest daddy shout.
The effect was more than I bargained for. Both kids jumped 1 inch off of their seats. They jumped with the butt cheeks.
"You scared me T, whimpered."
I know guys. I was just trying to show you how silly you sound.
My 1 year old came to the rescue.
"Aaaaarrrrggghhh" she shouted as she stammered across the kitchen.
"Look!" I said, "M is yelling, now!"
We all looked at each other and burst into hysterics. We laughed for 30 seconds straight. L, tried to transition into a cry, but her giggles kept popping out.

That exchange was another roller-coaster of emotions. I failed by raising my voice, but recovered quickly with humor and the ability to laugh at myself. In the past those exchanges might end with daddy brooding and angry over the exchange. This one ended up better. Hopefully next time, daddy will keep his nose out of the exchange, where it belongs.

Building Self Worth and Helpful Attitude.

2005-05-17T09:32:00.000-07:00

T and I had just finished reading a book. I had moved back to the baby books so that T (almost 4) could recognize the words more easily.
What is that word T?
"Baby." he replied. And then he sounded out the letters in an exaggerated fashion. Just like daddy does it.
"T, the word hug is on this page. Can you find it?"
I switched to T trying to find words instead of sounding them all out. He seems to enjoy this more and is making great progress.
He scanned the page and sounded the word out loud: "hhhhuuuugggg".
He pointed to the word hug on the page.
I smiled and laughed. "You are doing it man! You are reading!" He smiled a huge smile and hugged and kissed me back.
Next he recognized the word play. We hugged and kissed and celebrated all over again. His face was beaming.
We put the book away while T was on a high note and I asked him what he would like to do next. He was not sure. It was pouring out, so our options were limited.
"T, do you want to help me clean up my golf balls for the golf tournament next weekend?"
"Yes!" T exclaimed excitedly.
We went to the basement and pulled out the bag of golf balls that we had retrieved from our walks on the golf course that winter.
I extracted all of the Titlest proV 1 balls and T got the rest. T got the bowl of water and I grabbed the soap and a towel. We scrubbed and scrubbed the balls.
"You know T, when I am at the golf tournament next weekend, every time I use one of these balls I will think of all of the great work that you did."
T smiled and said: "Thanks dad."
I found a couple of Noodles and Nike balls and knew that my partner Bruce would be thankful to play those balls. "T, can you clean these for Uncle Bruce? He loves this brand."
"Sure."
We hugged and kissed many times as we cleaned up the golf balls. Next we went upstairs and cleaned my clubs. T was scouring the house after we were done, trying to find more golf balls to clean. We had a great time.
I gave Uncle Bruce his golf balls the following weekend and he was really excited about T's effort.
win-win-win.

Soccer equipment shoping with L

2005-04-16T18:25:00.000-07:00

L and I decided to have a special morning to go shopping for her soccer equipment. This is her first year playing and she needs cleats and shin guards.
Our first stop was home depot. The mirror that mommy had purchased last week had come without hangers. We needed to pick those up.
L and I talked about school and her day with nana during the car ride to Home Depot. We laughed when our uncle Pete let us out into traffic at a busy intersection.
We also talked about the great body mechanics of a runner that ran by the car.
At the returns desk L became slightly restless. I asked her to play a game of I Spy. She spied a grill. It was just to my right. I went next and picked an American Flag. By the time she found it was our turn to speak to a cashier.
A manager came over and assigned a clerk to help us. We traveled around the store with the clerk and found the piece to the mirror after about 10 minutes. L and I continued playing I Spy throughout our journey. L found another mirror. She also found where mommy had bought the original mirror, which was a big help.
When we were finished, I said to the clerk: "Thank you so much for all of your help. That was some good detective work."
He seemed touched by the acknowledgement, blushed and said: "No problem."

I told L that I would like to head to Sports Authority to check their prices. L said that she would rather go to Dick's sporting goods. I complied and we were off to Dick's for cleats and shin guards.
The only cleats in L's size were $20. She tried on 2 pairs and found a pair that she really liked. Next we went to find the shin guards. They were $15, but L loved the color of bright blue.
I had done some shopping at some other stores and had found packages for $30 that included a ball. I was disappointed in the price at Dicks, but thought it unlikely that Sports Authority would be much better. Besides, we had the items in hand and were almost out the door. But when I overpay for something I feel lazy and wasteful.
As we were trying on the shin guards a woman stopped and began speaking to me. She said that Sports Authority had a deal for cleats, shin guards and a ball for $20.
"Thank you so much. We were just about to spend $35 for just the cleats and the shin guards."
"No problem." The woman said as her face lit up with the knowledge that she had helped us.
I was concerned that L had become attached to her cleats and shin guards.
"L, we need to put those cleats and shin guards back. If the items at Sports Authority are not as good we can come right back."
"Okay." L said without any complaint.
I was very excited with that level of cooperation. When we got to the car I told her that I was very happy with her behavior in the store.
"Thank you for not acting up during that change in plans. That was very mature behavior. "
We drove the 2 minutes to Sports Authority and asked the clerk about the deal. The packages were all stacked in one area. We found the size 1 cleats, the shin guards with ankle pads, and a perfect little ball for $20.
L tried them all on and begged me to let her wear them out of the store.
"Okay. I replied. Mommy will love to see them on you."
As we checked out L begged for a coke at the checkout counter. L, read the ingredients on that can.
"I know dad. It has high fructose corn syrup. Can I just have water?"
"You bet."
L was kind enough to give me a few sips of her water on the way home.
"L, we got great stuff and we saved the family $15. Thank you for using your patience and trying Sports Authority. You did a terrific job shopping today. I am very proud of you."
L showed her mom her soccer wear when she got home. She changed out of the gear for lunch, but put it back on for playtime at her friend’s house later.
I think L learned some great lessons today.

How do you use your day to teach your kids?

L shares a secret

2005-04-16T18:20:00.000-07:00

What is your favorite time with your child?

Bedtime is a very special time for my oldest daughter and me. We use the time to tell each other about what happened during our days.
I explained all of the teamwork that went on in my day at work. I told her how happy I felt about all of the software that I had produced that day with my friends.
L asked a few follow-up questions and then proclaimed:
“I am going to learn soccer very quickly.”
This is L’s first year in a soccer league. I am a little concerned about how much she will enjoy the game. Whenever we have played with a group of kid’s L gets very upset when someone steals the ball. I have been explaining how that is part of the game for many nights.
“Yes L, I am quite sure that you will pick it up very quickly.”
“And I am going to learn to pass the ball.”
I had lectured on passing, also.
“Great!”
I was preparing to launch into another soccer soliloquy when L suddenly changed the subject.
“You know who is a fast learner? W from my school.” L proclaimed.
I wanted to make my point about the possibility of L getting mauled on the soccer field by a pack of little ball hogs, but decided to give her a little latitude.
“Really?” I asked.
“Yup! He learned to pump on the swings today.” L stated.
“Great!” I said. L has been doing that for 2 years. Why is this a great accomplishment? I wondered.
“Do you know who I might marry someday?”
Jackpot! By holding my tongue and using some listening skills I was able to let L share something deeply important about her day. And I was there to be a sounding board for her and validate her feelings.
“Who?” I asked.
“W. He is really nice to me. He is not like the other boys who push and wrestle all the time. He is very nice.”
“That’s great babe! I am really glad that you have found someone who is so nice to you.”
“Yup. And we will have a baby. I might have a baby in my belly or we will adopt a baby. If I do not have any milk in my boobs then I will give the baby a bottle. Right Daddy?”
L was on a roll.
“Sounds great.”
I really wanted to ask her how W was nice to her, but she continued to talk about all the crushes that the kids had in the class. It was adorable.

When do your kids open up? When you are playing catch, riding bikes?

Getting your wife her rest.

2005-04-09T18:57:00.000-07:00

What is your role in insuring that your spouse is happy? It is their responsibility to look after their own happiness after all. But I think spouses can help tremendously.

It was 4 o'clock and the kids and I had been together all day. My wife had just gotten home from some church meetings. She had also had some time to get a petticure and manicure. In the old days I would have headed for the driving range or headed for a nap myself. But today I knew that my wife needed some rest.
I suggested that she head up to her room for a rest while I bathed with the kids. She protested because she felt guilty for having been away all day. I insisted that she relax. I know that she does not get enough relaxation time during the week, so I believe that it is important for her to make some time for it during the weekend. And I was determined to help.
She acquiesced and took a half an hour to read a book in M's room.

The kids and I made dinner while she rested. L cut all of the broccoli and washed and nuked the potatoes. T used the salad spinner to dry the salad. I loved watching them excel at all of the parts of making dinner that they could handle. But that is for another entry.

J came downstairs and was well rested. J really seemed rejuvenated. She read enthusiastically to the kids while I finished getting dinner on the table and we all had a great meal together.

It really makes me feel good to help my wife in this way. If I recognize that she needs something I try to get it for her. Today she really needed some rest, and she did not feel comfortable asking for it. So I got it for her.

This was not a selfish act in hope of some future payment (Although I was handsomely repaid). I was not feeling guilty about my round of golf with the boys tomorrow. I am comfortable with that use of my time. This was a gift for her.

Cute T story.

2005-04-09T18:54:00.000-07:00

M put T's T-Rex in the dishwasher while we were cleaning the kitchen today. T (3) walks up to the dishwasher and pulls out the plastic dinosaur and proclaims:
"M, that is unacceptable."
That mommy-ism put a huge smile on my face.
I used that excuse to give T his 100th hug and kiss of the day.

Cranky yard work.

2005-04-09T18:24:00.000-07:00

Do you have any activity that you perform where you have noticed that you have become often irritated while performing it?

Mine is yard work. I can recall numerous examples of me losing my patience in the yard. Today I was trying to get the garden hose off of the Reel-Easy. I had split almost all of my knuckles trying to loosen the hose from it's connector. At the same time L was desperate for a push on the swing. She was whining desperately at the swing for assistance.

"Dadddddyyyyyyyy, Pleeeeeaaaaase push meeeeeeeeee?"
"One minute, L. I am trying to fix the hose!"
"Pleeeeeeeeaaassseee!!!!" She whined in an even higher pitch.
"Just one minute!" I shouted back without thinking. "If you whine like that again I will not come down there at all!"
I really am disappointed in myself when I speak without thinking. This was one of those times. But I immediately realized that I had done it, and got up and walked around to the front of the house. I could still hear L yelling in the back.
I got another wrench and the hose came off easily. Then with a clear mind I was able to walk down the hill and push L for a few minutes.
I wonder if it is needing accomplishment in yard work that causes me to lose my patience. I believe I get attached to the projects and feel the need to complete them or at least make progress. If the kids interrupt me while I am working, I sometimes feel angry that I am losing my window of accomplishing something around the house.
Also, the fact that I do not plan effectively around the yard also contributes to my anguish. If I had stored that Reel-Easy properly I would not have had that chore to begin with. Gravity, poorly organized tools, and a host of other culprits can cause a feeling of "woe is me".
I think I am doing a better job of catching the anger as it arises and diffusing it. I did not throw any objects today and I only raised my voice once. That feels like progress.
I also realized that I had not eaten all morning. I rallied the troops and brought them inside for a nice lunch.
The remainder of the yardword for the afternoon was very pleasant. Again proving that peace is generated from the inside out, not from the yardwork in:)

Can you think of any time where you might tend to lose it? Bedtime is a close second to yardwork for me. Any others?

Build Kid's Self Confidence at the Park

2005-04-09T18:04:00.000-07:00

What is your favorite way to build your child's self confidence?

My favorite spot is definitely the park. I can spot them on most activities and help them stretch their little bodies to the limit. I took L(5), T(3) and cousin O(3) to the park this morning.

I started my spotting by helping L zip across the parallel handle apparatus. She grabbed each handle and shuttled herself across easily. "I did it she exclaimed."
"You sure did." I replied.
"Again, Again."
We went back and forth about a dozen times. I kept sliding the handles back to her so that she could shuffle her little body across the poles. Next she wanted to spin on the giant steering wheel. I held her lightly while she hung from the big wheel. She moved herself around easily. She jumped down on her own and then it was T's turn.
"My turn please!" T shouted.
I boosted him up and he held on tightly. He was not strong enough to move the wheel. I spun him around while holding his bum on my forearm. Then I started spinning him faster. I pretended (slightly) to get dizzy and feel backward onto the sand. I cradled T for a gentle landing. We laughed and staggered as we both got up.
Next it was O's turn to learn the fireman's pole. He was too afraid to jump off with his back foot and commit to the ride. He kept shying back from the pole. I finally convinced him to jump off to the pole while I held his feet.
"I did it uncle Dave!" Oliver exclaimed with pride.
"You sure did O." I responded.
The most heart warming part of the day was when L and O climbed up onto a high stair on the jungle gym. T was really struggling with it. I started coaching T through the climb.
"You can do it, T. You've got it."
L and O also got into the act. "Yeah T, you are doing it!"
T, was laughing while trying to shimmy his way up onto the platform. "I haven't done it yet." He said through constant giggles.
Finally T got a foothold on the pole to his right with his dinosaur boot. That got him high enough where he could wriggle the rest of the way on his belly.
I took T at least 2 minutes to get up onto that stair. He really persevered and made me extremely happy to see that persistence. I was also so excited and proud to see his sister and cousin cheering him on. They truly seemed to care about T's success in that endeavor. They were also emulating my cheering and I was happy to be a model of that behavior.
Finally I loaded the 3 of them into the tire swing. O wanted to spin, L wanted to swing, and I think T just wanted to sit. I helped them reach a compromise of swinging and spinning. Everyone seemed quite happy with the result.

So how about it? Do you have a special way that you like to foster self confidence in your kids?

Emotional Rollercoaster.

2005-04-01T10:11:00.000-08:00

Have you ever completely misread your partner’s reaction to a situation? I did this morning...

My day started at 3:30 with my 3 yr old son T crying in our bed. My wife was doing an excellent job consoling him, so I left our bed and headed for his. I immediately fell back to sleep. Some time later I heard my 1 year old daughter screaming to get out of her crib. Most mornings I will leave her in her crib and she will settle herself back down. My five year old L had other ideas.
L was up and proclaimed that she had taken M out of her crib.
"Did you lock the saftey gate to the downstairs?" I asked.
"Yes daddy." She replied.
I slowly began to motivate to get out of bed. This usually takes me about 5 minutes. Somewhere in those 5 minutes I heard my wife yell:
"M is out of her crib and the gate is not up!"
That got me moving.
I bounced out of bed and tried to locate our youngest. My wife had M in her arms and she briskly handed her off to me and headed back to bed. I recognized that she had been up with T in the night, so I figured I would suck it up and take the morning shift. What time was it anyway?
5:15. Ouch. I ordered my oldest back to bed and lied on the floor in M's room while she played around me. After about 30 minutes it was clear that M was not going back to bed anytime soon. I got her dressed and began to head downstairs. I was met in the hall by L. It was 6 by this point, so I figured she could join us.
I began cleaning the kitchen with M in one arm. L cheerfully reported that she had poured the last bowl of cereal. I reached in the cabinet and produced a breakfast bar for M. She snatched it and was distracted enough so that I could put her on the floor. I made much more progress tidying the kitchen with 2 hands. I also induced L to cooperate with washing the table and clearing the dishwasher. We make quite a team sometimes.
Next the 3 of us read a Spanish kids book on the couch: No es mi gatito. M is great at picking out all of the textures in the book. Each page has a furry belly or a rough tongue. L is also starting to pick up some Spanish. Win win.
Friday mornings become stressful for me around 7. Friday is trash day and if I am not working on the trash by 7 then I will be late for work. Today I decided to put M in the Baby Bjorn and carry her while I pulled the trash up the hill. L even offered to help. And did she ever help. She pulled the biggest barrel of trash up the hill for me.
It was also recycle day, so this process took almost a half an hour. When we had moved our last barrel up the hill I saw my wife in the doorway.
Now, I am thinking that I will get a hero's welcome when I come in the door. The possibility of putting the kids in front of a video for some adult time is a valid scenario in my mind. Imagine my surprise when I am greeted with:
"We need to talk about the events of this morning." My wife exclaimed
Oh Sh*t, I think to myself. We need to talk are really serious words in this relationship. Adult time is definitely off the table.
My wife continues: "That was a really dangerous situation this morning..."
"I agree. It really was." I honestly still had slight stomach pains over it. That is brain damage or death if our youngest goes down those stairs.
"Now how am I supposed to go away this weekend when things like this are going on?"
This was the fourth or fifth time my wife has asked this question. The other times were semi-joking so I thought I could let them go. This one made me really angry. I spoke loudly and without thinking my response through.
"Honestly, I don't care whether you go away this weekend or not. If you do not trust my judgment or parenting abilities then stay home. Do whatever the hell you want to do."
I believe my parenting skills are on par with my wife's. I resent it when she questions my skills in this manner. She continued:
"I don't see why you could not just get out of bed with M for one morning? Would that have been too much to ask? Why do I have to get up and rescue her from falling down the stairs?"
"I get up slowly. It takes me a few minutes to wake up." I responded.
"M needs to take a nap." My wife stated.
"I will put her down." I replied.
I hugged M and sang to her for 5 minutes before putting her to bed. During this time I reflected on the argument with my wife. My expectation of a heroes welcome was a definite problem in that altercation. I felt entitled to a thank you, but when I did not get it I became defensive and angry.
When I emerged from the bedroom I apologized to my wife. She apologized back. It would take us each a few hours to cool off, but we were fine.

Have you ever let false expectations generate anger? When?

How I talk to L

2005-03-28T08:07:00.000-08:00

Here is an example of an IM conversation between L and myself today. How do you talk to your kids? How do you try to build their self esteem and self confidence?

[09:55] HOME: here is L
[09:55] DaddyWork: hey babe!
[09:57] HOME: daddy ilove you:-*
[09:57] DaddyWork: Thank you! I love you too. How are you feeling?
[09:58] HOME: good:-)
[09:58] DaddyWork: :-D
[09:58] DaddyWork: I am glad to hear that.
[09:59] DaddyWork: How about Mia?
[10:00] HOME: amidontno:-*
[10:01] DaddyWork: What are you doing with Momma? Are you playing games?
[10:02] HOME: no>:o
[10:02] DaddyWork: Are you helping in the office?
[10:02] HOME: yes:-)
[10:03] DaddyWork: very nice. Thanks for being such a great helper:)
[10:05] HOME: your welcome
[10:05] DaddyWork: Did you try any of Mia's pedialite orange drink?
[10:09] HOME: yes:-*
[10:09] DaddyWork: How was it?
[10:10] HOME: daddy ididnt
[10:10] DaddyWork: OK, if you have some later you can tell me about it.
[10:11] DaddyWork: Orange water, he he
[10:11] DaddyWork: Are you playing with Tom?
[10:11] HOME: no;-)
[10:12] DaddyWork: :-o
[10:16] HOME: daddyweydidyoudo that:-)
[10:17] DaddyWork: why did I make the surprise face? :-o Because I am surprised that you are not playing with the man.
[10:22] HOME: youarethe greatest daddy:-)
[10:23] DaddyWork: Thank you L. That makes me feel very good. You are an amazing girl! I am very proud of you:)
[10:24] HOME: thankyou:-)
[10:25] HOME: daddy iseeme:-P
[10:26] DaddyWork: I love that picture!
[10:26] DaddyWork: :)
[10:29] HOME: daddy do youseeyourself:-)
[10:30] DaddyWork: Nope. Mommy does not have my picture setup on her AOL instant messenger program. I set you up as my picture:)
[10:43] HOME: ireally want you to see your self:'(
[10:44] DaddyWork: I really love you. You are a great kid. I can see myself in all of the great pictures of you and I at my office.
[10:45] HOME: daddy:-)
[11:02] HOME: iloveyou:-*
[11:03] DaddyWork: I love you too. It has been nice writing with you today:)
[11:04] HOME: byby:-)
[11:04] DaddyWork: adios:)
[11:05] HOME: seeya:-*

Please share ideas about building self confidence in the kids

Teaching empathy.

2005-03-27T19:21:00.000-08:00

Tonight for T's bedtime story I decided that we would talk about A and T the superheros. "Superheros do good for their community, right T?" I asked.
"Right"
"Your first task is to get Amanda's kitty Emily down from a high tree. How are you going to do that?"
T thought for only a moment, then his face light up: "We can fly!" He said.
"Great, you flew up there and got the kitty down, now what did she say?"
"Meow." Said Tom.
I laughed inside at Tom's correct grammatical interpretation of my question. "Great, and what did Amanda say?"
"She said thanks."
"Your next task is to help a little old lady across the street. How are you going to do it?"
"I can grab her arm and A can carry her walker."
"Awesome! And how did that make the woman feel?"
"Good. She said thanks too."
"Next you read a sign on a phone pole that there was a lost dog in the neighborhood."
"What's a phone pole?" T asked.
"It is a pole that holds up the wires that we use to talk on the telephone. Our voices travel over those wires to get to the other phone."
"OK."
"You guy's have super hearing, you know?"
"Yeah, we can hear the dog!"
"Yes! You flew up and found the dog. Then you brought him home to his family."
"Yeah."
"That's 3 good deeds. Good work, time for bed."
"One more Daddy!"
I was cooked, but one more good deed would be OK. I thought for a second.
"You flew by the park and saw some kids running away from another boy. You could tell the boy just wanted to be part of the fun, but the kids kept running away, calling him the monster. What did you and A do?"
This one was a reach. I was not sure what T would say. I was fishing for him to tell the kids to include the boy in their group. T came up with a better idea.
"We could play with him." was T's reply.
I was so proud of him. Another moment when my heart leapt in my throat.
"Yes Tom, that is an excellent idea."
I kissed my angel and turned out the lights. I stretched on his floor for 30 seconds until he started snoring like a chainsaw.

How do you teach values? Do you have any other times of day that are perfect times for this activity?

Weekend with the cousins.

2005-03-27T19:16:00.000-08:00

Our cousins M and R were here this weekend. Their little boy played with L and T all weekend. It was truly adorable. After we got the kids down to bed we had a great night of talking about he kid, parenting, religion and patience. It was all that we talked about for 3 hours. Our dreams for our kids. Our fears about what we are doing right and wrong. What we want to do like our parents did and what we want to change.
My wife and I do this almost every night, but it was great to get some new ideas into the house and to hear perspectives from other great parents. It was much more fun than talking about the RedSox.
Do you get enough chances to talk about parenting in a social situation in which you are totally comfortable? How often?

Easter Egg hunts are the best!

2005-03-27T18:57:00.000-08:00

When I quizzed my kids about the best part of the weekend tonight, they both agreed that the Easter egg hunt was king. They both also agreed that the spotted eggs that contained the hershey's kisses were also the best egg. I interrogated them in separate bed rooms, so one was simply not agreeing with the other.
We let the kids loose on the Easter Egg course around 11:00. L and T are slightly faster than their younger cousin, so they got to the eggs first. This caused a meltdown with little A. He tossed his basket and pieroetted to the ground in anguish. We all knew the feeling, but were not sure how best to continue. L had stopped hunting and was watching A, but T was still off hunting. A's mom was holding him and trying to calm him down. My wife suggested that we postpone the hunt and go inside for a few minutes and regroup. My kids were fine with that idea, so we stopped the hunt. I thought that was terrific thinking on her feet by my super wife.
While the kids played inside I went out and made some special egg hiding spots for L. I balanced an egg on a 7 foot high stick. I also balanced one on top of a bird house.
When they attacked the course again, A was fresh and we had coached our kids to try to help A find a few more eggs. L was fantastic in this regard. She dropped all of the blue eggs that she found into A's basket, because she claimed it was his favorite color.
When L got to the stick with the egg on top she leapt for it. I think my 5 year old believes that she can dunk a basketball. She jumped 2 more times and then turned to me in frustration and growled: "Dad, can you help me?"
"Try to think of another idea."
The moment that she knew I was not going to help her she wounded up her big pink boot and kicked out the stick. The egg landed on the ground and she scooped it up with a big smile. The bird house was even less of a challenge. I watched as L picked up a stick (The bird house was also quite high) and tipped the house so that the egg rolled down onto her feet.
Have I mentioned that I love to watch them succeed? It make my heart swell.
We let the kids have a couple of candies and then I quickly shuttled the rest of the jelly beans and hershey's kisses into the trash. I do the same thing on Halloween and the kids never miss them.
Later in the day L was complaining that she had not received an Easter card. I told her that she had received several over the past week and one that day. She continued to complain until she finally had to ask: "Daddy, will you make me an Easter card?"
I felt a little dim, having not picked up on this hint, but decided better late than never. I drew a picture of the tree with the stick propped up next to it with a green egg on top on the stick. There was a smiling girl next to the tree and I signed it Love Daddy.
She looked at the card and laughed and said: "Daddy, that egg was pink. But, that is OK."
I could tell she was pleased with the card.

Playing Ball with T

2005-03-25T10:00:00.000-08:00

What is your favorite thing to do with your kids?

T and M were up at 6:30 this morning. As I changed M's horrific, gritty dump, T found the foam baseball bat under the couch.

"Have you seen the ball that goes with that?" I asked.
"It's downstairs, in the playroom." T replied.
"Do you want to go hit it?"
"Yeah!" T responded enthusiastically.

I threw T pitches for about 20 minutes. He ripped many of them. I watched him beam with pride on each connection. I also tried to pump him up on each miss.
"Just missed it T! You will rip the next one."
"You betcha!" T replied.

Watching any of the kids improve at anything is one of the highlights of parenting. When the ball flies towards T's bat I get butterflies in my stomach. When he hits it my heart leaps. If he whiffs my heart sinks.

What are some of the favorite things that you like to watch your child excel in?

Comforting T at night.

2005-03-25T09:13:00.000-08:00

It was 10:30 and I was about to dig into my bowl of Chocolate Soy Dream. I heard cries from T's room. He was sobbing. He had complained about pains in his legs before bed, so I suspected that those pains were back.
I hustled up the stairs and lied down next to him in bed. He sensed me there and laid his head down on top of my chest. He continued to moan and hold his legs. I felt really helpless.
I began telling him stories about T and the beanstalk. Our version is that T crossbreeds some redwood seeds with peanuts to create a new super breed of tree. By spreading peanut butter over the seed he helps it grow all the way to the moon. As I told the story his whining stopped and he drifted back to sleep.
I stayed with him, rubbing his head and back. I felt a little trapped and was longing for my bowl of ice cream. I tried to slide out from under him, but he woke up again. I quickly resumed the story and this time he was back down for good.
At 11:00 I was back down in the kitchen with my bowl of soy dream.

I find it very hard to empathize with someone when I have other plans. It can cause me to get very frustrated if I was really looking forward to my plans. This was a minor example.

Please share any stories about how you put your own needs on hold while caring for your little one.

The bum walk

2005-03-24T07:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday L came out of the bathroom and said - "you know what? Tom went pee and left the toilet seat up and when I went to go I fell in to the toilet!"

I replied " did you fall in the pee?"
L - "yes, but don't worry I wiped my bum on the black rug"

Classic

Please share a classic story about your precious little quote machine!

Questions about Jesus on Easter

2005-03-23T09:40:00.000-08:00

One of our friends asked us this question:
Have you talked about the meaning of Easter with L? Namely, Jesus dying on the cross? My daughter is asking questions and my husband and I have kind of put it off -- I guess we're wary of talking about death with her and haven't thought about a simple enough explanation to suit a child. If you have any thoughts to share on this, I'd love to hear them.

I think she is really smart and resourceful to go outside her family to ask such a question.

Here was my response:

I would open up the death conversation ASAP. Start talking about worms, butterflies, goldfish, grandparents ect...

We have had numerous occasions to discuss this with Lauren and it has prompted many brilliant questions from her.

Lauren has never asked about Jesus specifically, so we have stayed away from that topic. When she does ask I will tell her the story or Jesus. I am lucky, because I believe it is only a story and can emphasize that. For people who believe those events actually happened, and then it might get a little stickier, but not too much.

I would start with... Men were afraid of Jesus. They conspired to hurt him because they thought he could take their money and power away. So they killed him.

If she asked how he died, I would say something like: "back in history that they used to nail people to the cross when they had really bad behavior, but that is not done any more."

It seems like a good lesson to teach how fear and anger can lead people to do really mean things. Those people wrongly killed Jesus because they were angry with him and afraid of him. "How are you going to manage your fear and anger, young one?"

What are your thoughts on this topic?

Angry while Getting L ready for school.

2005-03-21T10:11:00.000-08:00

We were running a little late for school this morning. I asked L to please sit down and eat her breakfast. She started to sit and remembered the trampoline that Nana had brought over last night. She hustled into the living room and began bouncing on the trampoline.
From the kitchen, in a louder than normal, but measured tone, I stated: "L, I am getting angry that you are not getting ready for school."
"Aaaaaarrrrrrggggggg” was L's response from the living room. It is difficult to do L's angry scream in words. She was really upset that I was raising my voice.
I went straight into the living room.
"I am sorry that I raised my voice. That behavior was not appropriate. But it is time to go to school. Please move to the kitchen. The trampoline will be going into the garage if you do not move to the kitchen."
L pouted for a few moments in the Living room, but then resumed her breakfast in the kitchen.
That argument could have easily exploded into a shouting match. I recognized that I was the one who escalated the argument in the first place and it was my place to apologize. I did so, without relinquishing my control as the adult in the relationship. Despite my mistake we still needed to get to school and we did so.

Please share some moments when anger got the best of you, or when you were able to let it go.

Driving Meditation with L

2005-03-16T10:10:00.000-08:00

When I am driving, I try to comment to my daughter when I can help someone out in traffic. If we are at an intersection and we can let someone in another car out into traffic I say: "L, we just let that person out of their street. Doesn't that make you feel great?"
She often giggles and laughs when this happens. She will point it out to me if I do it subconsciously: "Good job letting that lady out from that Stop Sign Daddy!"
Reverse road rage. The gift that keeps on giving:) It even works when someone cuts you off!

What are your ideas about Paying it Forward?

My 5 year old is smarter than me.

2005-03-14T09:46:00.000-08:00

I felt tonight that I am truly glad that my 5 year old will be smarter than me. We were going through our bedtime routine when we began to talk about our trip to Florida. She said she wanted to bring her Piglet toothbrush along for the trip. She also said that she accidentally threw it in the water when we were fishing.
"I need to catch the toothbrush!" L exclaimed.
"I'll pass you the net." I said.
"I got it!" L proclaimed.
"Is there anything else in the net?" I asked?
"Yeah, there's a huge crab! And he's got the toothbrush in his claw!"
"How are we going to get it out, I asked?"
L ran into the bathroom and got her toothbrush.
"Here dad, hold this. You are the crab and I will get the toothbrush."
I held the toothbrush in my left claw. I said:
"Watch out for the right claw..."
L slowly reached for the tooth brush and I nipped her with my right hand in a claw like motion. Lauren looked at me confused. I began to advise her on how to approach the situation:
"How can you get the toothbrush out of the crab's claw without him nipping you with..."
She ripped the toothbrush out of my left claw while I was lecturing. I never knew what was coming. I felt a quick rush of competitiveness where I felt bested. Then I realized that my child is brilliant and that is my real goal.
I looked her in the eyes. She looked triumphant and exhilarated. I burst into hysterics and L followed suit. We belly laughed for a solid 2 minutes.
After that we began to figure out other ways to get the toothbrush out of the crab's claw. "I could use this magazine to protect my hand!"
"Good. Let's try it."

Have you ever had a moment like this? Please share it.

Egg Timer at Night Time.

2005-03-10T09:16:00.000-08:00

I recently incorporated an Egg Timer into the kid's nighttime routine. It has been helpful for setting time limits on kitchen cleanup and nighttime story hour. The kids have been whining slightly less now that they know that they are "On the clock".
But the timer has had an added benefit that has been much more helpful for me. It has acted as a ticker of mindfulness.
You can actually hear the seconds of your life ticking away as the egg timer makes it's decent towards the bell. This tool has helped me over the last few nights to realize how precious the few minutes before bedtime can be.
Bedtime can degrade into a routine of telling a few stories and shouting the kids into bed. With the timer I become more aware of how I am spending the time and try to tell the best stories that I can in the time allotted.
Last night the kids and I reflected back on the trip we took to the Portsmouth Children's museum. The museum has story hour and they told the Japanese story of the faithful dog Hachiko.
Hachiko book
The kids had a great time remembering the story and talking about the moral. They asked me the meaning of Loyalty.
"It is when you stay with someone no matter what." I said. "For Example: I will never leave the two of you."
"You leave for work." My oldest replied.
"Yes, but I come home."
"Mommy is more loyal, because she stays with us more." She replied again. "But you were very loyal on our vacation to Florida."
"Thanks." I replied.
I milked every second on the timer. We had a great dialogue and went right off to bed.

Flying a kite with my oldest.

2005-03-03T18:51:00.000-08:00

I put the kite together and went to the other side of an open field to get some running room. The wind was not strong, so I knew we would have to run pretty fast. My daughter begged to be the first to try to get the kite in the air. I acquiesced and held the kite while L began firing her little legs across the field. I was amazed that she got the kite 20 feet in the air.
"L, you're doing it!" I exclaimed.
She looked up in the air and grinned.
My heart jumped up in my throat while watching her succeed in this project. Her face was beaming and I could sense that she felt as proud as I did. She neglected to let the line out, so the kite floundered and crashed to the ground. But we were both bolstered by our first flight. We ran back to the other side of the field and tried again. This time I explained how to let the string off of the spool.
The next flight was golden. L let out the string perfectly and the kite took off 50 feet in the air. She ran and ran until we ran out of field. We continued into the empty street and began walking with the kite. We talked about how pretty the kite was and well it was flying. Finally it got caught in a low branch and our flight was over. I retrieved the kite and wound up the string. We walked back to the house, commenting on all of the beautiful homes on the road.
That was a really special time with my daughter. Whenever we get time to run or play outside together it feels like it brings us closer together. She told me she loved me many times over the remainder of the afternoon. I believe that our kite flying had something to do with that loving feeling.

Flying with M

2005-03-03T18:10:00.000-08:00

I was concerned that my 1 year old daughter would be a wild woman on our flight to Florida. We boarded the plane and I strapped her on to my chest in her baby Bjorn carrier. She sat quietly for a while taking in the other passengers. I fed her crackers and other snacks for a while. When I glanced to my right for a moment, M reached to the chair in front of us and grabbed a fist full of the woman's hair who was seated there. We apologized and began playing more interactive games with one another.
I started with find daddy's hat. M found it quickly. I moved to daddy's hair. That was tougher. I think M believes it sounds like ear, because she almost pulled my ear off. She easily identified my eyes (eye gouge) and nose (by pulling out my nose hair). She found me teeth and mouth, next. After that I showed M where all of those parts were on her face. After that, it was hide and seek under Daddy's hat. She was screaming with delight. After every peek a boo, M would giggle and giggle.
Finally I glanced at the seat back in front of me to see how far our flight had progressed. When I looked back at M, she had another fist full of hair in her hand. After I pried her hand loose she began to fuss a bit more. She wanted out of her seat. My wife offered to take her, but I knew if we went down that road we were in trouble. She would have bounced around on her siblings and things would have gone downhill from there. Instead I walked with her to the back of the plane. We played in the bathroom for awhile and enjoyed the mirror.
Then I walked her to the front of the plane and again to the back. That was enough to rock her off to sleep. I hugged her at the back of the plane for almost an hour while she snoozed on my chest. Another dad and I chatted with our little girls on our chests.
After M's nap we settled back into our seats and prepared for landing. My wife was excited that the flight had gone so well. I enjoyed our last few minutes of "name the body part" and then our flight was over. It turned out to be a magical ride. I was concerned before the flight about how M would be able to handle that amount of time in a confined space. We did terrific. I have no worries about the return flight and am totally looking forward to bonding time with my smallest baby.

Puzzle night with my boy.

2005-02-24T19:37:00.000-08:00

My wife took my oldest daughter to a girls high school basketball game last night. My youngest daughter went to bed at 6. That gave T and daddy some 1 on 1 time.
"What would you like to do T? "
"Let's play a game. No lets do a puzzle."
T got out his favorite dinosaur puzzle. 50 pieces. I think he has it memorized, because he cut through it really quickly. I handed him the pieces as he went and popped a few in around the edges.
When he finished we high fived and gave each other a huge hug and a kiss.
"Let's do the big puzzle next!" said T.
"OK, I'm game, but that is the last one because it is almost past your bedtime."
We worked on the big puzzle for quite a while. T knew this one also, but the colors of the dinosaurs were very similar and the pieces were much smaller. While we were struggling together on the top left corner T said: "I really love you dad."
"I really love you too, T." I replied.
"But your not doing too good, dad." T was remarking on my inability to place a piece in the last several minutes. Oh the highs and lows of parenting.
"I will try to pick up the pace T." I replied.
We plugged in a few more pieces and the rest of the puzzle fell into place. More high fives hugs and kisses. I said: "T, you know what I am going to call you from now on?"
"What?"
"Puzzle champ."
T thought about this nickname for a while. He resists nicknames with a passion. T, Mr. T, Mr. Handsome, Dog, Chomper and a host of others have all been met with hostility.
"I like puzzle champ." T replied with a smile.
I gave the Puzzle Champ a piggy back up the stairs and him the Poo and Hefalump story for bedtime.
One on one time is really precious.

Unselfish Meditation

2005-02-24T19:20:00.000-08:00

I hit on a great meditation the other day. I got the inspiration from an incident that occurred with my wife. We were making airpopped popcorn and it was loud in the kitchen. I had just placed my 1 year old daughter down for the first time in the hour that I had been home from work. I thought I had a second to grab a set of nail clippers and prune my nails back. My wife however began to shout over the popcorn maker, trying to get my attention.
"Babe, I can't really hear you." I responded. I was mildly irritated that my moment with 2 free hands had been interrupted.
My wife fed off of my irritability and shouted:
"I just wanted to tell you about T. He called himself the puzzle champ today. I assume he got that from your daddy/son puzzle tournament the other night."
I smiled and reflected on the magical night that my son T and I had the previous night. Of course my wife was right. That conversation is much more important than any selfish chore.
When I was alone that night I reflected some more on how damaging selfishness can be. Even this somewhat harmless exchange brought unnecessary tension into our marriage. I began to think about acting unselfishly. That if any of my tasks are interrupted, that I should not be irritated. I should be thankful for the opportunity to converse with another human. I also vowed to do a similar meditation on the ride home from work the next night.

On the ride home from work I breathed deeply and tried to envision myself patient and calm. I did not want to act irritably or selfishly. I vowed not to react in anger if my wife interrupted me or made a comment that might initially irritate me.
Later in the evening I got a chance to put my meditation into practice. As my wife was heading off to sleep she quipped: "Honey, how are you going to try to keep me awake tonight?" She was referring to my letting the bathwater out at 10:30 last night. The upstairs drain has a really loud echo as the water flows out.
She continued. "Last night the bath water was bad enough, but then the shower. You kept dropping stuff in there. It was really annoying."
As I watched my wife's facial expression I could see that she realized that she had just crossed the line from funny to irritating. I think that she was about to apologize when I replied:
"Oh, I dropped your toothbrush while I was cleaning my testicles."
We both laughed about her dirty toothbrush phobia and I headed downstairs for some yoga.
That meditation helped me to react with humor instead of anger. Being unselfish gives us a thicker skin. I did not get angry at the insult, which was really just a tired effort at humor. I returned the attempt at humor with a real witty remark and diffused any potential problems. Emotional Mastery in action.

Father daughter dance with L.

2005-02-12T19:22:00.000-08:00

When my life flashes before my eyes, I am sure that I will have some images of this dance fly by. We had an amazing time. I got dressed up in my suit and my wife curled L's hair. We walked downstairs together holding hands. I imagined L walking down those stairs in her prom dress in 12 years.
We took some pictures and headed over to the YMCA for the dance. We were right on time. Most of the dads were sitting down in chairs and only a few were out on the floor. I was afraid that things would be slow. I asked L if she would like to dance, but she declined and seemed a little nervous about being the only person dancing in the huge gym. We walked over and got some snacks.
I challenged L to try to jump up and touch some of the balloons that were hanging from the basketball hoop. She jumped and jumped, but I had to give her a little lift before she could hit them. That loosened L up and we headed for the floor. We requested dancing queen from Abba and the DJ gave L a valentines puzzle for a gift. There was a disco light shining large images on the floor. L and I tried to jump on the images as they flashed around our feet.
More and more dads began pouring in and many of them began heading to the dance floor. We began moving to the electric slide and the macarana. Saturday night fever had little L pointing her finger at the ceiling for the first time.
Then she began breaking out lots of moves from her gymnastics. L would do side splits and forward splits. I followed her as best as I could and we looked like a dance team. Then I grabbed her hand and began twirling her under my arm.
We took a potty break and L asked me why she could not spin me under her arm. I told her that we could try it.
When we got back on the floor I ducked down and spun under her little arm. We also held hands and spun under each other's arms at the same time.
Next L began asking me to hike her between my legs. I grabbed her hands and let her slide down through my legs to the other side of my body. Then she would pop back up through my legs and go flying high in the air.
I was amazed at how many dance moves that she and I created. It felt great to be making up dances with my little girl in a perfectly care free environment.
L asked if we could spin around in an airplane ride. I thought it might be dangerous with so many kids around. We headed over to the far corner of the gym. I spun L around and around until she screamed for me to stop. Her heels flew up as high as my chest at some points. She giggled and squealed and begged for more spins. We kept this up for quite a while. After each spin I would do a dance like I was dizzy and about to fall over. This was not a stretch.
L finished the night with the limbo contest. She also played volleyball with some of the balloons.
I did a rough head count and figured there were between 80 and 100 dads at the dance. I felt happy to know that there were so many dads in my community who wanted to spend a Saturday night with their little princess. It made me feel very hopeful for our kids future. I was happy to be in the presence of such allstar company.
L and I headed home and talked about our favorite dances. Hers were the hike and the spin around airplane rides. Mine were the gymnastics moves and the twirls. I loved when we were making up dances together.
When we got home we told mom all about our adventure.

Saturday with 2 kids.

2005-02-12T18:59:00.000-08:00

This was an all world Saturday. My wife let me sleep in and then headed out to work on her church fundraiser. M went down for her morning nap. L and T and I started the morning with some yoga. We did head stands and bridges. T threw himself up toward the wall and sometimes maintained his balance and other times slammed to the ground. L has the knack of the headstand and can balance for 100 seconds. When daddy got up, the kids would push me down after 20 seconds or so.
After mommy came home I loaded up the two oldest kids and headed food shopping. We went to Trader Joes and had a ball. The kids helped me find everything on the list. L decided how much Red Pepper and Tomato soup to pick. "I think 4 daddy. That will be great." We demolish the stuff, so I let her load it up. T chomped away on his Pirate's Booty corn puffs and picked out his cereals. We split a cane juice soda between the 3 of us on the ride over to the children's museum.
The museum was a riot. We ran and jumped and slid and laughed for 2 solid hours. The kids immediately made friends with a 5 year old named Tyler. They played tag for a few minutes and then we began exploring the museum. T and I played in the sandbox up front for a while. We build castles and sifted sand. Then we moved to the back of the museum and found a pendulum. The pendulum had a bucket that allowed sand to flow through it. It was fun to watch T fill the bucket and make different shapes by swinging the pendulum in different directions. Then L came over and began contributing ideas for shapes.
"It looks like a snowflake!" Screamed T in excitement.
"Yeah. Great job T!" L loves to tell T when he is doing a good job.
We played a video game on the computer for 20 minutes. The kids laughed as I narrated the crazy game of dumping water balloons.
They have a big shark head on the wall so we pretended to hunt the shark for about 10 minutes. We would run around the museum and come back and catch the shark. The kids were really excited.
T got dressed up in a lion suit while L and I played in the shadow room. T came in and made some lion shadows with L struck up some proud warrior shadows. We finished with a game of checkers by T's rules where he can jump anything. L again said "Good job T." As he jumped all of our checkers.
On the way home we stopped into a nursing home to visit an elderly man from our church. He is 91 years old and suffering from dementia. He does not know us, but it feels good to give him some company. Today he was in the lobby, so the kids were able to make the 6 seniors in the area very happy. We spoke briefly about our church and about the activity that was scheduled for Sunday.
We went home and had dinner with our mom's. The kids love their nana's. It was nice to have them both over. Not only because my wife's mom cooks dinner, but it feels good to hear about their days. It also feels good to know that they have someone to have dinner with.
After dinner, L and I prepared for the father daughter dance at the YMCA. I got dressed up in my suit and my wife curled L's hair. L just turned 5 and she really looked like a big girl tonight. The night at the dance will warrant an entire entry, but we got home at around 9 and my wife immediately got L into bed.

Connecting with a kid at church

2005-02-03T15:13:00.000-08:00

This week we started our Secret Buddies week at church. Adults draw names for kids and then send them secret messages for the next 2 weeks. The event is designed to connect a child with an adult and bring them closer together.
I drew one of my favorite kids in the church. J is a good friend of my daughter L. I have written her a couple of notes this week.
In the first note I made a reference to a birthday party that we both attended. In the second note I told her that I was a man and what sort of sports that I liked to play. I made a soccer reference that should have helped, since we played soccer at my daughter's B-Day party last month.
I like to think of the excitement and the challenge around the new game for J. I like to picture her getting excited for the mail and trying to guess who I might be. I think it is nice to bring that excitement to a young person's life. Especially when the person is outside your immediate family. That is truely a bonus. I can augment the already great support that J gets from her own parents.

Kids making a mess in the bathroom

2005-01-31T19:37:00.000-08:00

While I was putting M down for bed at 6:30 I could hear my oldest kids (3.5 and 5) playing in the bathroom sink. They were using their outside voices and occasionally screaming at the top of their lungs. Sometimes they were hollering in joy and other times in horror at their siblings selfishness.
I gave M an abbreviated nighttime routine. I sang to her for only about 10 minutes and then headed into the bathroom to survey the damage.
The bathroom sink was filled to the brim. Bubbles were piled high over the sink and were flowing down to the floor. Some Kleenex tissues were floating in the sink along with an empty toilet paper roll. I began to get angry. My first thoughts were: "What a mess, and what a pain in the ass to have to clean up."
I stopped and took a breath. I looked at the kids faces and they were beaming. They were so happy to be playing with the bubbles. They had handfulls of bubbles in each of their hands. L was trying to pile T's open hand up as high as she could with bubbles. I reached my hand in and pulled out a perfect circle of bubbles. There were hundreds of little bubble worlds in the palm of my hand. I began to sing: "I've got the whole world in my hand."
The kids kept on playing.
"Come on L, I will fly you into your room so that you can get on your pajamas."
L jumped up into my arms and I flew her onto the bed.
I went back to the bathroom. "T, please let the water down. "
I scooped up the Kleenex boats and tossed them in the trash. So much for the brutal cleanup. I flew T into L's room and we read our nighttime books.

Hiking with L (5 years old)

2005-01-31T09:45:00.000-08:00

L and I headed out to the yard on Saturday to do some sledding. We did a few dozen runs up and down the hill when L decided that she would like to go for a hike. We trudged through 2 feet of snow through our back yard to the local golf course.
L insisted that I drag the sleds.
"There is a great hill over there!" She exclaimed.
I knew that there was no perfect hill that the two of us would reach on our hike and even if we reached it, the powder would not be packed. I did not care. I loved the exercise and the 1 on 1 time with my daughter.
I followed her little foot prints as she led me through the woods. When we got to the course she begged me to pull her in the sled.
I had her hop in and I pulled her up the gently sloping fairway. I felt like Stalone in Rocky 4 when he was training in Siberia. We got to the 4th green and Sly gave up.
"Please hop out, L, I am cooked."
L got out of the sled and we trudged over to some of the deep bunkers that guard the front of the green. L, do you want to try to sled into that?
"Yeah!" L exclaimed.
I loaded her into the sled and pushed her down the 5 foot vertical slope. She yelped in excitement and plopped down into the bunker.
"Let's do that again!"
As L looked up from the bunker I leapt in. I dropped the whole 5 feet into 2 feet of snow.
"I want to do that!" L exclaimed.
She jumped into the bunkers and I helped her climb out. Occasionally I would bring up the sled and give her another push. We laughed and played for what seemed like an hour. I then loaded her up and pulled her back to the house in the sled. She could not wait to tell mommy about our adventure.

Lunch with the Family on a work day.

2005-01-28T19:53:00.000-08:00

Now that my commute is 8 minutes long I come home from work on Friday's to eat with the family. My nephew was over today. He and my son run to the door and tackle me. Nephew O is 3 and calls me Dad. I think this is adorable. I have to remember this later that evening when I find my golf clubs strewn around the basement.
We had a great lunch with lots of hugs and kisses and Pirate's Booty from Trader Joes. My cousin is looking for a new house, so I asked her how the hunt was going. She got me up to speed while corralling her little ones.
I am so thankful for this bonus time with the kids. It is a little more hectic than my former picture of the ideal lunch, but this is much better.
The kids scream for more booty, and I patiently ask them to say: "More please." One day it will sink in.
Real action in the trenches. I love it.

Yoga and time with my mom

2005-01-28T19:44:00.000-08:00

We get a sitter on Thursday nights so that my wife and I can exercise. I go out to a yoga class and my wife goes to volleyball. After yoga I popped in on my wife's v-ball game. I watched her rip a few spikes and then headed out. I figured this would be a great time to stop in on my mom.
I picked up a salad and Jr Beef on the way to my mom's. I forgot my phone, so I scared the poop out of her when I came banging on the door at 9:30 in the evening.
We sat and talked. She caught me up on all of the family events. I talked to her on the phone the night before, but I know she really likes the face to face contact. I left after about 45 minutes, but I could tell that my mom had gotten her fix of her "little boy".
I enjoy these times with my mom. She is my biggest fan and loves to hear about my life. She often breaks in with off topic comments during my stories, but that has become part of our normal conversation. After she is done sidetracking she usually asks me to go on with what I was saying. We have a lot of laughs and good times.

Bonding with my Son

2005-01-28T19:22:00.000-08:00

When I got home from work my wife was heading out to a church function with my oldest daughter. My wife runs the new membership committee at church and it was their potluck night. That left me with the two youngest ones.
M (11 months) was exhausted by 6:00 and I brought her up to bed. I carried her around the room and sang to her for 10 minutes while she fell asleep on my shoulder.
T (he is 3.5 years) was waiting patiently outside M's door. We went downstairs and I suggested that we draw some letters and pictures. He started out sitting next to me, but quickly wriggled up into my lap.
My first set of letters was the word CAT. I was about to draw a picture of a cat when T said:
"That spells Cat!"
"Yes!" I exclaimed. I felt the familiar rush of adrenaline when T's synapses made a connection. "I did not even need to draw a picture."
"Nope, you didn't, Dad. I know Cat."
I continued to write some familiar words: Dog, SiSi, CVS. He needed a hint for STOP. "We see this one a lot when we are driving around."
"Oh, Stop! That is the word." Exclaimed T.
When T did not recognize a word, we worked on sounding it out.
Then when T seemed to be getting tired we moved onto pictures. He drew rainbows and suns and raindrops. I drew the names of the items on a separate piece of paper.
My mind kept wandering back to an interesting software design problem at work. I had to continuously bring my focus back to the present. This was the only place on earth that I wanted to be. Whenever I caught myself daydreaming I would draw something.
This time I drew an alien looking dog, but Tommy recognized it.
"That's a funny looking dog, Dad."
"Yes, it is T."
We finished by cleaning up the kitchen. T put away the silverware. He also took all of his plates out of the dishwasher and put them away.
"I bet I'll get a big high five for that Dad!"
"I don't know if you can jump that high, T."
He did. Next we went upstairs to bed.
We told stories about me and T turning ourselves into fish. We became the dad and boy from Finding Nemo. Neither of us has seen the movie, but we talked about all of the things that we saw in the ocean. I drew on our experience at the New England Aquarium for most of my ideas.
"Look T, a Sea Lion"
"Yeah, he is pretending to be a shark."
I had forgotten that the sea lion at the aquarium had imitated a shark. I laughed in amazement and rubbed T's head. Time for sleep Nemo.
"One more dinosaur story!"
I told T the story of Chompers being born in A Land Before Time Then I lied down next to his bed and waited for his snores. They came in 15 seconds.
I jumped up and ran downstairs for a quick trot on the treadmill. My wife and daughter got home just as I came up from the basement.
I listened to my wife recount her night for the next hour, after we put L to bed. It sounded like a fun dinner. I am really proud of her for helping the church. She also sounded like she was able to make some people feel really comfortable at the dinner. That is always a nice thing.

Nighttime routine - Challenging and Rewarding.

2005-01-25T09:25:00.000-08:00

T and L were wound up tonight. After I put M down to sleep for the night I approached T's room. L and T were standing on top of the foot rail on T's bed and jumping onto the mattress. There is no official house rule against this behavior. I contemplated making one, but knew it was one of their favorite games. Hopefully T's bed would hold up.
At this time of night I prefer quieter games. I patiently asked the kids to stop, but that just made them jump higher and faster. I began to get angry and had a maddening urge to raise my voice and shout "stop!". But I caught myself before I acted. I recognized the destructive emotion and made note of it. When that old friend anger comes around, he is liable to come around again soon.
I decided distraction was the best course of action in this circumstance. I picked up a book and sat on T's bed and began reading. T exclaimed: "Lookout dad, I am going to jump on you!" I paused for a moment to say:
"You two are missing the book."
Tom did jump off the rail, but landed short of my groin, and gracefully bounced up into perfect reading position. L followed with a flip onto the bed followed by a roll gently into my lap.
The sillies kicked in during the first few pages. The kids finished my sentences with "poop". But then we hit an interesting line that began:
"Wilber chuckled,"
L asked: "What does chuckled mean?"
I knew I had a hook into a good laugh here.
"Well," I said: "A chuckle is a short laugh. And it goes like this..."
I briefly tickled L. He burst into laughter. I ticked T with the other hand, then abruptly stopped.
"See that was a chuckle."
I then ticked each of them for 15 seconds. They went bananas.
"That was a full laugh."
5 second tickle.
"Chuckle"
15 second tickle.
"Laugh."
We went on for 5 minutes. By the time we were done the kids were really ready for bed:)

Snowed in team coaching.

2005-01-23T19:28:00.000-08:00

After digging us out of 2 feet of snow for 2 and a half hours I settled down with the kids. I read baby M her Baby Faces book while L and T worked on a puzzle. After M read the book about 10 times my wife came in and decided we should all teach M how to walk. My wife brought great energy into the room and we all became excited by her new game.
We got in a circle and all stretched our arms out to M. M walked from family member to family member while the others cheered. M only paused for a few moments to clap for herself, and then she was right back up to work. T (3 yrs old) was beaming as M walked towards him. Come on M, you can do it! I smiled during the whole game. I love watching my kids teach each other. It give me butterflies to watch my family work together to coach one another.
Later I was getting M dressed. She was squirming around as usual. I looked at her and held her shirt out towards her and said: "M put her shirt on?" '
M tilted her head and held still for the shirt. She then proceeded to slide both of her arms in by herself. I smiled and clapped. "You did it." M clapped too. Then I held out my hand and she high fived it several times. Too cute.
I put M to bed and corralled L and T. "We have some time before bed. T, do you want to do your letter game on the computer?"
"Sure" said T.
We all went downstairs. We played baseball while the PC booted. L fired fastballs at T with a stuffed ball. T ripped one. While T learned his letter sounds, L and I played catch with the soft ball. L kept looking at the game on the computer. "T, it is the letter L! L makes the sound La! Like Ladder!"
L learned to read with the help of the same software package. I gently urged L not to give T the answers, but only to guide him. She used her patience very well. T continued for 20 minutes. I was totally impressed by his concentration. At the end of the session the program reported that he could read 23 words.
More importantly I found myself not worrying about what levels he completed on the game. I just hoped that he would learn the words and enjoy the learning. It made the coaching so much more fun. And L and I got to play catch in the process.
After I helped the kids to bed my wife and I caught some of the second half of the AFC championship game with the Patriots. They will be tough to beat in the Super Bowl.

L talks to me at bedtime.

2005-01-20T19:41:00.000-08:00

I love talking to my oldest daughter (5 years old) at bedtime. It seems to be the time of day where she is most open to talking about herself.
Tonight she told me about a conversation that she and her friend M had on the ride home from school. M had told L the name of her assistant teacher. Lauren told me the name. I tried to sound it back to her and she corrected me several times.
"She is the teacher that always brings the kids to the potty!" L exclaimed.
I don't care what the topics we cover as long as she keeps talking.
"I drew A a picture today of a Christmas Tree. It was for his birthday book. I signed it Love L."
"That's great. How do you think A will feel when he sees it?"
"He'll really like it."
I found out a few weeks ago that L likes A. That was also during a bedtime discussion.
I hope these conversations continue until I am 100 years old. I enjoy each one more than any conversation that I have ever had.

Cooperation with the threat of timeout.

2005-01-18T17:22:00.000-08:00

Tonight the kids were overtired and it was very difficult to induce cooperation in completing chores or preparing for bedtime.
I needed to take the role of drill sergeant tonight. After dinner I declared that we would have the kitchen completely clean before we went up to bed. In order to get 5 year old L to clean up the table I had to threaten to carry her into timeout. 3 year old T helped empty the dishwasher and even put the silverware away.
During bedtime I read one story and made it perfectly clear that L had to go into her bedroom alone tonight. She resisted and tried to hide under T's bed. I thought about my recourse for a long minute. Bedtime is tough, because it is difficult to find a reasonable consequence for not going to bed. Normally I put T down and then pop in to tell L a story. I decided that the consequence for not going straight to bed would be that L would miss her story. I knew that this was a harsh punishment and that I was in for 30 minutes of screaming if L decided to take what was behind door #2.
Unfortunately she still thinks that there is a chance that I might be bluffing. Or perhaps she was too tired to really let the consequence sink in. Either way I had painted myself into a corner and needed to haul L out from under the bed and put her in her room.
Indeed she cried for a solid 10 minutes. Screaming and running out of her room. Finally I put her back in bed and explained that she would be going to bed tomorrow night with a story if she continued her behavior. She quieted down to a whimper and called it a night.
I finished up with Tom's story and stretched out on his floor while he drifted off to sleep. I will go up and check on L after this post.
Hopefully by following through with this consequence L will become more attentive at bedtime when daddy tells her that she will need to go to sleep by herself.
Off for a run on the treadmill. It is 10 degrees outside.

Daddy pops out to the Pats game.

2005-01-17T19:14:00.000-08:00

I believe it is important that our children know that we have a rich life outside our immediate family. So last night I went into Foxboro Stadium and watched an amazing exhibition of power, poise and athleticism as the Patriots throttled the Colts.
My wife is excellent when I request some time with my friends. She shoos me out the door and assures me that she will be fine. I know that it is a lot for her to start her week on Sunday at 12 instead of Monday at 9. I really appreciate her running the show for me during my shift.
My friend M and I talked about our dreams for our kids and ourselves during the rides to and from the game. We are both in the computer industry so it is fun to talk shop with another old pro. We also discussed Iraq, Palestine, the Tsunami, String Theory, the Mars and Titan landings, yoga, pilates, Sox prospects, Patriots unselfishness and briefly the Patriots cheerleaders.
I enjoy listening to M. When he tells me about his alumni board work I feel really proud of him and tell him that it is great work and really good for the students. I also really enjoy giving him some insight from my experiences with Yoga, Bhuddism or Tony Robbins.
I do not get tied up in the outcome of the game any longer. Whether the Pats won or lost I would have been equally joyous. My voice would be gone from screaming at the top of my lungs regardless of who came out on top. The excitement of the drama and the good company makes it a night worthy of missing the kids bedtimes. There are not many of these evenings, but this was one for the ages.

Inducing cooperation while controlling Anger

2005-01-15T19:45:00.000-08:00

I was emptying the dishwasher after the birthday party and I asked T to help put his cups and bowls away. This is not a chore that we have defined in our list of mandatory chores, but T normally helps. Not today. He totally ignored me.
That got me pretty riled, but L to the rescue. L had just come out of the other room. Hey babe, can you get your plates into the drawer?
She completely ignored me.
I had two ceramic bowls in my hand. In fury, I almost smashed them on the floor. The blood had rushed to my head and I was swamped with rage.
I noticed the anger and realized that this was not the person that I wanted to be. I do not want to be a guy who throws things around the house like a child. I also do not want to model that behavior for my children.
I took a deep breath and smiled. It was silly to get so angry over something so minor. But I realized that I had a lot adrenaline rushing through my system. I also know from experience that when I am in this type of mood, that I have to be careful not to lash out if something else minor comes up.
As I thought about how best to incorporate the dish washer into our house rules, L came by and and put all her dishes away. I gave her a big hug and a kiss when she finished.
Boy was I thankful that I had used some patience.

Teaching the kids.

2005-01-15T19:31:00.000-08:00

Lauren and I sat after dinner and worked on a few math problems. I had read some tips on how to teach young kids math from our "hooked on math" program. Last weekends lesson had ended poorly, so this time I was ready with more patience and tons of spoons to help L add.
We started with small numbers: 3+2 and 4+5. L plowed through those easily. As we moved up she began to struggle with 7+6 and 8+7.
I took out 15 of our spoons and broke them into two groups. The first group had 7 and the second had 6. "How many spoons, I asked?"
L quickly replied with "13". My heart raced and swelled with pride.
I subtracted 1 spoon from the 6 group and added it to the 7 group. How many now I asked?
L looked at me quizzically, "Still 13, dad!"
I was about to burst inside. I laughed out loud.
"That right! Still 13."
We added 2 more spoons and split up that group again.
"Still 15 dad!"
Then the sillys broke out and potty talk began. "Still poop dad!"
I knew L's lessons were over. I felt lucky to have snuck in a lesson after such a long day. I moved over to the couch with my 11 month old daughter, M.
I had been holding M during L's math lessons. My boy T was busy mixing food coloring in his makeshift chemistry set of sippy cups.
M and I read the Touch and Feel Farm board book. For the first time she began to feel the textures on the book. After each page she would reach out for the new furry animal. My heart raced each time she did it.
When my kids experience learning through me it is like an electric current that is moving between us. I get excited and overjoyed.
Lessons were over. Time for M's' bedtime.