Patience failure in the morning.

This morning I was reading a new book to my son and youngest daughter at the breakfast table. The other two were happily chomping away at their cereal and listening to the book.
My eldest daughter came into the kitchen and exclaimed: "I want to read that book too, and I can't see it."
She snatched the book out of my hands and began reading it in her chair.
I got really angry.
"Fine, if that is the way you are going to behave then I will not read to anyone." I bitched.
What I could have said was: "I am taking my reading skills upstairs and taking a shower. NaNaNa."
At this point I felt my anger and was able to calm down. My wife took the book from my oldest daughter and everyone sat down to breakfast. The other two had hardly noticed that I had stopped reading.

I should have been more conscious of how much fun I was having reading to my two youngest. Then when L came along with her needs I could have realized that they conflicted with my own. Also, if I had seen her side of things I could have easily suggested that she move over to the other side of the table and read along with all of us.
The faster that I can feel that shot of anger down my spine the closer I will be to emotional mastery.
I believe I am getting closer.

Compassionate speaking.

I have posted a thought on patience on my cube at work: "Think about compassion before you speak."
This reminder has been working very well with my wife and kids lately. I find myself making fewer knee jerk remarks that make family members angry.
By trying to put myself in the other person's shoes before I speak, I have been managing the emotional content of our exchanges much more effectively. There will be more on this in posts to follow.

Reducing competition between siblings.

My daughter, L (5 and a half) looked troubled at bedtime.
"What's cooking?" I asked.
"Grampie said that he loves me more than anyone else, but that can't be true."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because you and mom are with us the most. You must love us the most."
I smiled and realized my daughter's wisdom. "Parents and grandparents each have special love for their kids and grandkids. We all love you very much."
L smirked and said: "I know who you love the most....."
I froze and I felt a little sick to my stomach. I was not ready for my daughter to compare herself to her siblings. I wanted to nip this idea in the bud. My mind began preparing a lecture about how I love all of my kids the same. In my fear, I was about to launch into the diatribe when I realized that L had not told me what she was thinking.
"Who?" I asked.
"You love me, more than other kids. Like the girls that you coach on our soccer team. You love me and T and M more than them, right?"
She knows that I love all of my kids the same without me having to lecture about it. She lumped herself and her siblings together in the same package of super sized love. I was thankful that I had not jumped to my original conclusion.
"Yes, L. You are right. But I do try to love all of your friends as much as you. It is just that I love you so very much."
"I love you too daddy."

Stay out of the kid's fight.

T and L were playing in the living room. I noticed that they had not cleared their dessert dishes from the kitchen table.
"Guy's, please clean up the table." I urged.
The kids kept right on playing.
I got down on the floor and looked T in the eye. "Time to clean up."
He moved towards the kitchen. L was already at the table. She realized that there was some ice cream left in T's dish and she quickly gobbled it up.
At 7:00 at night this injustice was too much for T to handle. He broke down into a screeching wail.
L on the other hand, sat at the table summarizing, while licking the rest of her plate clean.

What are my options in this situation? I thought to myself, "I have no dog in this fight. I have absolutely no stake in this crisis. The only thing that concerns me is the ear splitting yelling. If I can get over that, then the kids can work this out on their own."
But no sooner had I thought that, than T, cranked the volume up a notch. Then I thought of a solution and acted on it without thinking at all.
I grabbed L's bowl out of her hand.
"Wait L, you took T's ice cream, save him one bite of yours"
Now I had two sirens wailing, but T's had toned down quite a bit while he watched L and daddy battle.
"I only ate some of his jimmies! You're not nice!" L screamed.
T cranked the screaming back up.
I consciously directed my anger into my voice.
"You want to hear not nice!" I boomed in my deepest daddy shout.
The effect was more than I bargained for. Both kids jumped 1 inch off of their seats. They jumped with the butt cheeks.
"You scared me T, whimpered."
I know guys. I was just trying to show you how silly you sound.
My 1 year old came to the rescue.
"Aaaaarrrrggghhh" she shouted as she stammered across the kitchen.
"Look!" I said, "M is yelling, now!"
We all looked at each other and burst into hysterics. We laughed for 30 seconds straight. L, tried to transition into a cry, but her giggles kept popping out.

That exchange was another roller-coaster of emotions. I failed by raising my voice, but recovered quickly with humor and the ability to laugh at myself. In the past those exchanges might end with daddy brooding and angry over the exchange. This one ended up better. Hopefully next time, daddy will keep his nose out of the exchange, where it belongs.

Building Self Worth and Helpful Attitude.

T and I had just finished reading a book. I had moved back to the baby books so that T (almost 4) could recognize the words more easily.
What is that word T?
"Baby." he replied. And then he sounded out the letters in an exaggerated fashion. Just like daddy does it.
"T, the word hug is on this page. Can you find it?"
I switched to T trying to find words instead of sounding them all out. He seems to enjoy this more and is making great progress.
He scanned the page and sounded the word out loud: "hhhhuuuugggg".
He pointed to the word hug on the page.
I smiled and laughed. "You are doing it man! You are reading!" He smiled a huge smile and hugged and kissed me back.
Next he recognized the word play. We hugged and kissed and celebrated all over again. His face was beaming.
We put the book away while T was on a high note and I asked him what he would like to do next. He was not sure. It was pouring out, so our options were limited.
"T, do you want to help me clean up my golf balls for the golf tournament next weekend?"
"Yes!" T exclaimed excitedly.
We went to the basement and pulled out the bag of golf balls that we had retrieved from our walks on the golf course that winter.
I extracted all of the Titlest proV 1 balls and T got the rest. T got the bowl of water and I grabbed the soap and a towel. We scrubbed and scrubbed the balls.
"You know T, when I am at the golf tournament next weekend, every time I use one of these balls I will think of all of the great work that you did."
T smiled and said: "Thanks dad."
I found a couple of Noodles and Nike balls and knew that my partner Bruce would be thankful to play those balls. "T, can you clean these for Uncle Bruce? He loves this brand."
"Sure."
We hugged and kissed many times as we cleaned up the golf balls. Next we went upstairs and cleaned my clubs. T was scouring the house after we were done, trying to find more golf balls to clean. We had a great time.
I gave Uncle Bruce his golf balls the following weekend and he was really excited about T's effort.
win-win-win.

Soccer equipment shoping with L

L and I decided to have a special morning to go shopping for her soccer equipment. This is her first year playing and she needs cleats and shin guards.
Our first stop was home depot. The mirror that mommy had purchased last week had come without hangers. We needed to pick those up.
L and I talked about school and her day with nana during the car ride to Home Depot. We laughed when our uncle Pete let us out into traffic at a busy intersection.
We also talked about the great body mechanics of a runner that ran by the car.
At the returns desk L became slightly restless. I asked her to play a game of I Spy. She spied a grill. It was just to my right. I went next and picked an American Flag. By the time she found it was our turn to speak to a cashier.
A manager came over and assigned a clerk to help us. We traveled around the store with the clerk and found the piece to the mirror after about 10 minutes. L and I continued playing I Spy throughout our journey. L found another mirror. She also found where mommy had bought the original mirror, which was a big help.
When we were finished, I said to the clerk: "Thank you so much for all of your help. That was some good detective work."
He seemed touched by the acknowledgement, blushed and said: "No problem."

I told L that I would like to head to Sports Authority to check their prices. L said that she would rather go to Dick's sporting goods. I complied and we were off to Dick's for cleats and shin guards.
The only cleats in L's size were $20. She tried on 2 pairs and found a pair that she really liked. Next we went to find the shin guards. They were $15, but L loved the color of bright blue.
I had done some shopping at some other stores and had found packages for $30 that included a ball. I was disappointed in the price at Dicks, but thought it unlikely that Sports Authority would be much better. Besides, we had the items in hand and were almost out the door. But when I overpay for something I feel lazy and wasteful.
As we were trying on the shin guards a woman stopped and began speaking to me. She said that Sports Authority had a deal for cleats, shin guards and a ball for $20.
"Thank you so much. We were just about to spend $35 for just the cleats and the shin guards."
"No problem." The woman said as her face lit up with the knowledge that she had helped us.
I was concerned that L had become attached to her cleats and shin guards.
"L, we need to put those cleats and shin guards back. If the items at Sports Authority are not as good we can come right back."
"Okay." L said without any complaint.
I was very excited with that level of cooperation. When we got to the car I told her that I was very happy with her behavior in the store.
"Thank you for not acting up during that change in plans. That was very mature behavior. "
We drove the 2 minutes to Sports Authority and asked the clerk about the deal. The packages were all stacked in one area. We found the size 1 cleats, the shin guards with ankle pads, and a perfect little ball for $20.
L tried them all on and begged me to let her wear them out of the store.
"Okay. I replied. Mommy will love to see them on you."
As we checked out L begged for a coke at the checkout counter. L, read the ingredients on that can.
"I know dad. It has high fructose corn syrup. Can I just have water?"
"You bet."
L was kind enough to give me a few sips of her water on the way home.
"L, we got great stuff and we saved the family $15. Thank you for using your patience and trying Sports Authority. You did a terrific job shopping today. I am very proud of you."
L showed her mom her soccer wear when she got home. She changed out of the gear for lunch, but put it back on for playtime at her friend’s house later.
I think L learned some great lessons today.

How do you use your day to teach your kids?

L shares a secret

What is your favorite time with your child?

Bedtime is a very special time for my oldest daughter and me. We use the time to tell each other about what happened during our days.
I explained all of the teamwork that went on in my day at work. I told her how happy I felt about all of the software that I had produced that day with my friends.
L asked a few follow-up questions and then proclaimed:
“I am going to learn soccer very quickly.”
This is L’s first year in a soccer league. I am a little concerned about how much she will enjoy the game. Whenever we have played with a group of kid’s L gets very upset when someone steals the ball. I have been explaining how that is part of the game for many nights.
“Yes L, I am quite sure that you will pick it up very quickly.”
“And I am going to learn to pass the ball.”
I had lectured on passing, also.
“Great!”
I was preparing to launch into another soccer soliloquy when L suddenly changed the subject.
“You know who is a fast learner? W from my school.” L proclaimed.
I wanted to make my point about the possibility of L getting mauled on the soccer field by a pack of little ball hogs, but decided to give her a little latitude.
“Really?” I asked.
“Yup! He learned to pump on the swings today.” L stated.
“Great!” I said. L has been doing that for 2 years. Why is this a great accomplishment? I wondered.
“Do you know who I might marry someday?”
Jackpot! By holding my tongue and using some listening skills I was able to let L share something deeply important about her day. And I was there to be a sounding board for her and validate her feelings.
“Who?” I asked.
“W. He is really nice to me. He is not like the other boys who push and wrestle all the time. He is very nice.”
“That’s great babe! I am really glad that you have found someone who is so nice to you.”
“Yup. And we will have a baby. I might have a baby in my belly or we will adopt a baby. If I do not have any milk in my boobs then I will give the baby a bottle. Right Daddy?”
L was on a roll.
“Sounds great.”
I really wanted to ask her how W was nice to her, but she continued to talk about all the crushes that the kids had in the class. It was adorable.

When do your kids open up? When you are playing catch, riding bikes?

Getting your wife her rest.

What is your role in insuring that your spouse is happy? It is their responsibility to look after their own happiness after all. But I think spouses can help tremendously.

It was 4 o'clock and the kids and I had been together all day. My wife had just gotten home from some church meetings. She had also had some time to get a petticure and manicure. In the old days I would have headed for the driving range or headed for a nap myself. But today I knew that my wife needed some rest.
I suggested that she head up to her room for a rest while I bathed with the kids. She protested because she felt guilty for having been away all day. I insisted that she relax. I know that she does not get enough relaxation time during the week, so I believe that it is important for her to make some time for it during the weekend. And I was determined to help.
She acquiesced and took a half an hour to read a book in M's room.

The kids and I made dinner while she rested. L cut all of the broccoli and washed and nuked the potatoes. T used the salad spinner to dry the salad. I loved watching them excel at all of the parts of making dinner that they could handle. But that is for another entry.

J came downstairs and was well rested. J really seemed rejuvenated. She read enthusiastically to the kids while I finished getting dinner on the table and we all had a great meal together.

It really makes me feel good to help my wife in this way. If I recognize that she needs something I try to get it for her. Today she really needed some rest, and she did not feel comfortable asking for it. So I got it for her.

This was not a selfish act in hope of some future payment (Although I was handsomely repaid). I was not feeling guilty about my round of golf with the boys tomorrow. I am comfortable with that use of my time. This was a gift for her.

Cute T story.

M put T's T-Rex in the dishwasher while we were cleaning the kitchen today. T (3) walks up to the dishwasher and pulls out the plastic dinosaur and proclaims:
"M, that is unacceptable."
That mommy-ism put a huge smile on my face.
I used that excuse to give T his 100th hug and kiss of the day.

Cranky yard work.

Do you have any activity that you perform where you have noticed that you have become often irritated while performing it?

Mine is yard work. I can recall numerous examples of me losing my patience in the yard. Today I was trying to get the garden hose off of the Reel-Easy. I had split almost all of my knuckles trying to loosen the hose from it's connector. At the same time L was desperate for a push on the swing. She was whining desperately at the swing for assistance.

"Dadddddyyyyyyyy, Pleeeeeaaaaase push meeeeeeeeee?"
"One minute, L. I am trying to fix the hose!"
"Pleeeeeeeeaaassseee!!!!" She whined in an even higher pitch.
"Just one minute!" I shouted back without thinking. "If you whine like that again I will not come down there at all!"
I really am disappointed in myself when I speak without thinking. This was one of those times. But I immediately realized that I had done it, and got up and walked around to the front of the house. I could still hear L yelling in the back.
I got another wrench and the hose came off easily. Then with a clear mind I was able to walk down the hill and push L for a few minutes.
I wonder if it is needing accomplishment in yard work that causes me to lose my patience. I believe I get attached to the projects and feel the need to complete them or at least make progress. If the kids interrupt me while I am working, I sometimes feel angry that I am losing my window of accomplishing something around the house.
Also, the fact that I do not plan effectively around the yard also contributes to my anguish. If I had stored that Reel-Easy properly I would not have had that chore to begin with. Gravity, poorly organized tools, and a host of other culprits can cause a feeling of "woe is me".
I think I am doing a better job of catching the anger as it arises and diffusing it. I did not throw any objects today and I only raised my voice once. That feels like progress.
I also realized that I had not eaten all morning. I rallied the troops and brought them inside for a nice lunch.
The remainder of the yardword for the afternoon was very pleasant. Again proving that peace is generated from the inside out, not from the yardwork in:)

Can you think of any time where you might tend to lose it? Bedtime is a close second to yardwork for me. Any others?

Build Kid's Self Confidence at the Park

What is your favorite way to build your child's self confidence?

My favorite spot is definitely the park. I can spot them on most activities and help them stretch their little bodies to the limit. I took L(5), T(3) and cousin O(3) to the park this morning.

I started my spotting by helping L zip across the parallel handle apparatus. She grabbed each handle and shuttled herself across easily. "I did it she exclaimed."
"You sure did." I replied.
"Again, Again."
We went back and forth about a dozen times. I kept sliding the handles back to her so that she could shuffle her little body across the poles. Next she wanted to spin on the giant steering wheel. I held her lightly while she hung from the big wheel. She moved herself around easily. She jumped down on her own and then it was T's turn.
"My turn please!" T shouted.
I boosted him up and he held on tightly. He was not strong enough to move the wheel. I spun him around while holding his bum on my forearm. Then I started spinning him faster. I pretended (slightly) to get dizzy and feel backward onto the sand. I cradled T for a gentle landing. We laughed and staggered as we both got up.
Next it was O's turn to learn the fireman's pole. He was too afraid to jump off with his back foot and commit to the ride. He kept shying back from the pole. I finally convinced him to jump off to the pole while I held his feet.
"I did it uncle Dave!" Oliver exclaimed with pride.
"You sure did O." I responded.
The most heart warming part of the day was when L and O climbed up onto a high stair on the jungle gym. T was really struggling with it. I started coaching T through the climb.
"You can do it, T. You've got it."
L and O also got into the act. "Yeah T, you are doing it!"
T, was laughing while trying to shimmy his way up onto the platform. "I haven't done it yet." He said through constant giggles.
Finally T got a foothold on the pole to his right with his dinosaur boot. That got him high enough where he could wriggle the rest of the way on his belly.
I took T at least 2 minutes to get up onto that stair. He really persevered and made me extremely happy to see that persistence. I was also so excited and proud to see his sister and cousin cheering him on. They truly seemed to care about T's success in that endeavor. They were also emulating my cheering and I was happy to be a model of that behavior.
Finally I loaded the 3 of them into the tire swing. O wanted to spin, L wanted to swing, and I think T just wanted to sit. I helped them reach a compromise of swinging and spinning. Everyone seemed quite happy with the result.

So how about it? Do you have a special way that you like to foster self confidence in your kids?

Emotional Rollercoaster.

Have you ever completely misread your partner’s reaction to a situation? I did this morning...

My day started at 3:30 with my 3 yr old son T crying in our bed. My wife was doing an excellent job consoling him, so I left our bed and headed for his. I immediately fell back to sleep. Some time later I heard my 1 year old daughter screaming to get out of her crib. Most mornings I will leave her in her crib and she will settle herself back down. My five year old L had other ideas.
L was up and proclaimed that she had taken M out of her crib.
"Did you lock the saftey gate to the downstairs?" I asked.
"Yes daddy." She replied.
I slowly began to motivate to get out of bed. This usually takes me about 5 minutes. Somewhere in those 5 minutes I heard my wife yell:
"M is out of her crib and the gate is not up!"
That got me moving.
I bounced out of bed and tried to locate our youngest. My wife had M in her arms and she briskly handed her off to me and headed back to bed. I recognized that she had been up with T in the night, so I figured I would suck it up and take the morning shift. What time was it anyway?
5:15. Ouch. I ordered my oldest back to bed and lied on the floor in M's room while she played around me. After about 30 minutes it was clear that M was not going back to bed anytime soon. I got her dressed and began to head downstairs. I was met in the hall by L. It was 6 by this point, so I figured she could join us.
I began cleaning the kitchen with M in one arm. L cheerfully reported that she had poured the last bowl of cereal. I reached in the cabinet and produced a breakfast bar for M. She snatched it and was distracted enough so that I could put her on the floor. I made much more progress tidying the kitchen with 2 hands. I also induced L to cooperate with washing the table and clearing the dishwasher. We make quite a team sometimes.
Next the 3 of us read a Spanish kids book on the couch: No es mi gatito. M is great at picking out all of the textures in the book. Each page has a furry belly or a rough tongue. L is also starting to pick up some Spanish. Win win.
Friday mornings become stressful for me around 7. Friday is trash day and if I am not working on the trash by 7 then I will be late for work. Today I decided to put M in the Baby Bjorn and carry her while I pulled the trash up the hill. L even offered to help. And did she ever help. She pulled the biggest barrel of trash up the hill for me.
It was also recycle day, so this process took almost a half an hour. When we had moved our last barrel up the hill I saw my wife in the doorway.
Now, I am thinking that I will get a hero's welcome when I come in the door. The possibility of putting the kids in front of a video for some adult time is a valid scenario in my mind. Imagine my surprise when I am greeted with:
"We need to talk about the events of this morning." My wife exclaimed
Oh Sh*t, I think to myself. We need to talk are really serious words in this relationship. Adult time is definitely off the table.
My wife continues: "That was a really dangerous situation this morning..."
"I agree. It really was." I honestly still had slight stomach pains over it. That is brain damage or death if our youngest goes down those stairs.
"Now how am I supposed to go away this weekend when things like this are going on?"
This was the fourth or fifth time my wife has asked this question. The other times were semi-joking so I thought I could let them go. This one made me really angry. I spoke loudly and without thinking my response through.
"Honestly, I don't care whether you go away this weekend or not. If you do not trust my judgment or parenting abilities then stay home. Do whatever the hell you want to do."
I believe my parenting skills are on par with my wife's. I resent it when she questions my skills in this manner. She continued:
"I don't see why you could not just get out of bed with M for one morning? Would that have been too much to ask? Why do I have to get up and rescue her from falling down the stairs?"
"I get up slowly. It takes me a few minutes to wake up." I responded.
"M needs to take a nap." My wife stated.
"I will put her down." I replied.
I hugged M and sang to her for 5 minutes before putting her to bed. During this time I reflected on the argument with my wife. My expectation of a heroes welcome was a definite problem in that altercation. I felt entitled to a thank you, but when I did not get it I became defensive and angry.
When I emerged from the bedroom I apologized to my wife. She apologized back. It would take us each a few hours to cool off, but we were fine.

Have you ever let false expectations generate anger? When?

How I talk to L

Here is an example of an IM conversation between L and myself today. How do you talk to your kids? How do you try to build their self esteem and self confidence?

[09:55] HOME: here is L
[09:55] DaddyWork: hey babe!
[09:57] HOME: daddy ilove you:-*
[09:57] DaddyWork: Thank you! I love you too. How are you feeling?
[09:58] HOME: good:-)
[09:58] DaddyWork: :-D
[09:58] DaddyWork: I am glad to hear that.
[09:59] DaddyWork: How about Mia?
[10:00] HOME: amidontno:-*
[10:01] DaddyWork: What are you doing with Momma? Are you playing games?
[10:02] HOME: no>:o
[10:02] DaddyWork: Are you helping in the office?
[10:02] HOME: yes:-)
[10:03] DaddyWork: very nice. Thanks for being such a great helper:)
[10:05] HOME: your welcome
[10:05] DaddyWork: Did you try any of Mia's pedialite orange drink?
[10:09] HOME: yes:-*
[10:09] DaddyWork: How was it?
[10:10] HOME: daddy ididnt
[10:10] DaddyWork: OK, if you have some later you can tell me about it.
[10:11] DaddyWork: Orange water, he he
[10:11] DaddyWork: Are you playing with Tom?
[10:11] HOME: no;-)
[10:12] DaddyWork: :-o
[10:16] HOME: daddyweydidyoudo that:-)
[10:17] DaddyWork: why did I make the surprise face? :-o Because I am surprised that you are not playing with the man.
[10:22] HOME: youarethe greatest daddy:-)
[10:23] DaddyWork: Thank you L. That makes me feel very good. You are an amazing girl! I am very proud of you:)
[10:24] HOME: thankyou:-)
[10:25] HOME: daddy iseeme:-P
[10:26] DaddyWork: I love that picture!
[10:26] DaddyWork: :)
[10:29] HOME: daddy do youseeyourself:-)
[10:30] DaddyWork: Nope. Mommy does not have my picture setup on her AOL instant messenger program. I set you up as my picture:)
[10:43] HOME: ireally want you to see your self:'(
[10:44] DaddyWork: I really love you. You are a great kid. I can see myself in all of the great pictures of you and I at my office.
[10:45] HOME: daddy:-)
[11:02] HOME: iloveyou:-*
[11:03] DaddyWork: I love you too. It has been nice writing with you today:)
[11:04] HOME: byby:-)
[11:04] DaddyWork: adios:)
[11:05] HOME: seeya:-*

Please share ideas about building self confidence in the kids

Teaching empathy.

Tonight for T's bedtime story I decided that we would talk about A and T the superheros. "Superheros do good for their community, right T?" I asked.
"Right"
"Your first task is to get Amanda's kitty Emily down from a high tree. How are you going to do that?"
T thought for only a moment, then his face light up: "We can fly!" He said.
"Great, you flew up there and got the kitty down, now what did she say?"
"Meow." Said Tom.
I laughed inside at Tom's correct grammatical interpretation of my question. "Great, and what did Amanda say?"
"She said thanks."
"Your next task is to help a little old lady across the street. How are you going to do it?"
"I can grab her arm and A can carry her walker."
"Awesome! And how did that make the woman feel?"
"Good. She said thanks too."
"Next you read a sign on a phone pole that there was a lost dog in the neighborhood."
"What's a phone pole?" T asked.
"It is a pole that holds up the wires that we use to talk on the telephone. Our voices travel over those wires to get to the other phone."
"OK."
"You guy's have super hearing, you know?"
"Yeah, we can hear the dog!"
"Yes! You flew up and found the dog. Then you brought him home to his family."
"Yeah."
"That's 3 good deeds. Good work, time for bed."
"One more Daddy!"
I was cooked, but one more good deed would be OK. I thought for a second.
"You flew by the park and saw some kids running away from another boy. You could tell the boy just wanted to be part of the fun, but the kids kept running away, calling him the monster. What did you and A do?"
This one was a reach. I was not sure what T would say. I was fishing for him to tell the kids to include the boy in their group. T came up with a better idea.
"We could play with him." was T's reply.
I was so proud of him. Another moment when my heart leapt in my throat.
"Yes Tom, that is an excellent idea."
I kissed my angel and turned out the lights. I stretched on his floor for 30 seconds until he started snoring like a chainsaw.

How do you teach values? Do you have any other times of day that are perfect times for this activity?

Weekend with the cousins.

Our cousins M and R were here this weekend. Their little boy played with L and T all weekend. It was truly adorable. After we got the kids down to bed we had a great night of talking about he kid, parenting, religion and patience. It was all that we talked about for 3 hours. Our dreams for our kids. Our fears about what we are doing right and wrong. What we want to do like our parents did and what we want to change.
My wife and I do this almost every night, but it was great to get some new ideas into the house and to hear perspectives from other great parents. It was much more fun than talking about the RedSox.
Do you get enough chances to talk about parenting in a social situation in which you are totally comfortable? How often?

Easter Egg hunts are the best!

When I quizzed my kids about the best part of the weekend tonight, they both agreed that the Easter egg hunt was king. They both also agreed that the spotted eggs that contained the hershey's kisses were also the best egg. I interrogated them in separate bed rooms, so one was simply not agreeing with the other.
We let the kids loose on the Easter Egg course around 11:00. L and T are slightly faster than their younger cousin, so they got to the eggs first. This caused a meltdown with little A. He tossed his basket and pieroetted to the ground in anguish. We all knew the feeling, but were not sure how best to continue. L had stopped hunting and was watching A, but T was still off hunting. A's mom was holding him and trying to calm him down. My wife suggested that we postpone the hunt and go inside for a few minutes and regroup. My kids were fine with that idea, so we stopped the hunt. I thought that was terrific thinking on her feet by my super wife.
While the kids played inside I went out and made some special egg hiding spots for L. I balanced an egg on a 7 foot high stick. I also balanced one on top of a bird house.
When they attacked the course again, A was fresh and we had coached our kids to try to help A find a few more eggs. L was fantastic in this regard. She dropped all of the blue eggs that she found into A's basket, because she claimed it was his favorite color.
When L got to the stick with the egg on top she leapt for it. I think my 5 year old believes that she can dunk a basketball. She jumped 2 more times and then turned to me in frustration and growled: "Dad, can you help me?"
"Try to think of another idea."
The moment that she knew I was not going to help her she wounded up her big pink boot and kicked out the stick. The egg landed on the ground and she scooped it up with a big smile. The bird house was even less of a challenge. I watched as L picked up a stick (The bird house was also quite high) and tipped the house so that the egg rolled down onto her feet.
Have I mentioned that I love to watch them succeed? It make my heart swell.
We let the kids have a couple of candies and then I quickly shuttled the rest of the jelly beans and hershey's kisses into the trash. I do the same thing on Halloween and the kids never miss them.
Later in the day L was complaining that she had not received an Easter card. I told her that she had received several over the past week and one that day. She continued to complain until she finally had to ask: "Daddy, will you make me an Easter card?"
I felt a little dim, having not picked up on this hint, but decided better late than never. I drew a picture of the tree with the stick propped up next to it with a green egg on top on the stick. There was a smiling girl next to the tree and I signed it Love Daddy.
She looked at the card and laughed and said: "Daddy, that egg was pink. But, that is OK."
I could tell she was pleased with the card.

Playing Ball with T

What is your favorite thing to do with your kids?

T and M were up at 6:30 this morning. As I changed M's horrific, gritty dump, T found the foam baseball bat under the couch.

"Have you seen the ball that goes with that?" I asked.
"It's downstairs, in the playroom." T replied.
"Do you want to go hit it?"
"Yeah!" T responded enthusiastically.

I threw T pitches for about 20 minutes. He ripped many of them. I watched him beam with pride on each connection. I also tried to pump him up on each miss.
"Just missed it T! You will rip the next one."
"You betcha!" T replied.

Watching any of the kids improve at anything is one of the highlights of parenting. When the ball flies towards T's bat I get butterflies in my stomach. When he hits it my heart leaps. If he whiffs my heart sinks.

What are some of the favorite things that you like to watch your child excel in?

Comforting T at night.

It was 10:30 and I was about to dig into my bowl of Chocolate Soy Dream. I heard cries from T's room. He was sobbing. He had complained about pains in his legs before bed, so I suspected that those pains were back.
I hustled up the stairs and lied down next to him in bed. He sensed me there and laid his head down on top of my chest. He continued to moan and hold his legs. I felt really helpless.
I began telling him stories about T and the beanstalk. Our version is that T crossbreeds some redwood seeds with peanuts to create a new super breed of tree. By spreading peanut butter over the seed he helps it grow all the way to the moon. As I told the story his whining stopped and he drifted back to sleep.
I stayed with him, rubbing his head and back. I felt a little trapped and was longing for my bowl of ice cream. I tried to slide out from under him, but he woke up again. I quickly resumed the story and this time he was back down for good.
At 11:00 I was back down in the kitchen with my bowl of soy dream.

I find it very hard to empathize with someone when I have other plans. It can cause me to get very frustrated if I was really looking forward to my plans. This was a minor example.

Please share any stories about how you put your own needs on hold while caring for your little one.

The bum walk

Yesterday L came out of the bathroom and said - "you know what? Tom went pee and left the toilet seat up and when I went to go I fell in to the toilet!"

I replied " did you fall in the pee?"
L - "yes, but don't worry I wiped my bum on the black rug"

Classic

Please share a classic story about your precious little quote machine!

Questions about Jesus on Easter

One of our friends asked us this question:
Have you talked about the meaning of Easter with L? Namely, Jesus dying on the cross? My daughter is asking questions and my husband and I have kind of put it off -- I guess we're wary of talking about death with her and haven't thought about a simple enough explanation to suit a child. If you have any thoughts to share on this, I'd love to hear them.

I think she is really smart and resourceful to go outside her family to ask such a question.

Here was my response:

I would open up the death conversation ASAP. Start talking about worms, butterflies, goldfish, grandparents ect...

We have had numerous occasions to discuss this with Lauren and it has prompted many brilliant questions from her.

Lauren has never asked about Jesus specifically, so we have stayed away from that topic. When she does ask I will tell her the story or Jesus. I am lucky, because I believe it is only a story and can emphasize that. For people who believe those events actually happened, and then it might get a little stickier, but not too much.

I would start with... Men were afraid of Jesus. They conspired to hurt him because they thought he could take their money and power away. So they killed him.

If she asked how he died, I would say something like: "back in history that they used to nail people to the cross when they had really bad behavior, but that is not done any more."

It seems like a good lesson to teach how fear and anger can lead people to do really mean things. Those people wrongly killed Jesus because they were angry with him and afraid of him. "How are you going to manage your fear and anger, young one?"

What are your thoughts on this topic?