I just cried my eyes out reading Tony Dungy's eulogy to his son. He said his last goodbye to his 18 year old boy at the airport and did not get a chance to hug him.
"Hug your kids every chance you get. I'll never forget the fact that I did not hug my son that last time."
That was one of the saddest thing that I have ever heard. Tony Dungy has to live with that last memory for the rest of his life. And the great man that he is, he summoned the strength to tell that story to the world during the toughest time of his life.
It is truly humbling to know that a parent can do so many things right and the events of our world can overwhelm a young man with his whole life ahead of him. I realize today that I need to double my efforts and give everything that I can to my kids. I vow to hug them every chance that I can get.
But if their experience overwhelms them, then I have to learn some way to let them go in the courageous manner that Tony D. did today.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Saturday, December 10, 2005
This I believe.
The following is my submission to the This I believe segment on NPR:
I believe in the Dalai Lama. Anger is a vestige of evolution and it needs to be managed through patience practice. Negative emotions bring us a blind, selfish energy that too often results in harm to others. Our empathy and compassion towards others needs to be our guiding emotions in this life. I believe true happiness comes from connecting with and helping others.
I believe in Ben Franklin and Tony Robbins. I think that a positive outlook on life is one of the keys to happiness. Entrepreneurship, hard work and perseverance are inherent in all of humanity. Our perspective and the manner in which we apply our emotions to our experience color how we view each event in our lives. If we can exist without prejudice and see each new event as an opportunity then we are living life to its fullest. If we can enjoy our work, then we enjoy all of our days, instead of simply our days off.
I believe in Natural Healing and Dr Andrew Weill. Our bodies are perfect creations that have the miraculous ability to heal themselves. Listening to my body’s signals is essential and I respond with natural solutions to its messages. A vegetarian diet and yoga practice are examples of the disciplines that have resonated with me and my body.
I believe in my kids. If I instill loving values into my children then they will each do ten times the good works that I will accomplish. Therefore, every second that I invest in them will manifest itself ten fold in benefits for society. I practice patience with my children. I try to never interact with them when I am angry. I give myself more timeouts than I administer to them. I hug them and tell them I love them 30 times a day. I get them dressed in the morning and put them each to bed when I get home at night.
I believe in my wife. I think she is ringmaster. She manages more in a day than I could possibly hope to juggle in a year. I am grateful when dinner is ready when I come home, no matter what is prepared. I take a deep breath and say “Yes dear.” If she asks me if I know that I am supposed to take a right at the next set of lights. I insist that she take a nap on the weekends while I play with all 3 kids. I insist she get out of the house some nights so that she feels that her life is in balance. I believe in a mutually fulfilling and healthy sex life. I am thankful for Vasectomies.
I believe in an interconnected web of human relationships. I am happy when I see another person and I prove it to them by smiling at them with my mouth and eyes. I often witness another’s face completely change after they see my unassuming smile. I hope I instill each person that I meet with more positive emotion and energy. Then they can bring that energy into their relationships and lift up the web of life.
I believe in the Dalai Lama. Anger is a vestige of evolution and it needs to be managed through patience practice. Negative emotions bring us a blind, selfish energy that too often results in harm to others. Our empathy and compassion towards others needs to be our guiding emotions in this life. I believe true happiness comes from connecting with and helping others.
I believe in Ben Franklin and Tony Robbins. I think that a positive outlook on life is one of the keys to happiness. Entrepreneurship, hard work and perseverance are inherent in all of humanity. Our perspective and the manner in which we apply our emotions to our experience color how we view each event in our lives. If we can exist without prejudice and see each new event as an opportunity then we are living life to its fullest. If we can enjoy our work, then we enjoy all of our days, instead of simply our days off.
I believe in Natural Healing and Dr Andrew Weill. Our bodies are perfect creations that have the miraculous ability to heal themselves. Listening to my body’s signals is essential and I respond with natural solutions to its messages. A vegetarian diet and yoga practice are examples of the disciplines that have resonated with me and my body.
I believe in my kids. If I instill loving values into my children then they will each do ten times the good works that I will accomplish. Therefore, every second that I invest in them will manifest itself ten fold in benefits for society. I practice patience with my children. I try to never interact with them when I am angry. I give myself more timeouts than I administer to them. I hug them and tell them I love them 30 times a day. I get them dressed in the morning and put them each to bed when I get home at night.
I believe in my wife. I think she is ringmaster. She manages more in a day than I could possibly hope to juggle in a year. I am grateful when dinner is ready when I come home, no matter what is prepared. I take a deep breath and say “Yes dear.” If she asks me if I know that I am supposed to take a right at the next set of lights. I insist that she take a nap on the weekends while I play with all 3 kids. I insist she get out of the house some nights so that she feels that her life is in balance. I believe in a mutually fulfilling and healthy sex life. I am thankful for Vasectomies.
I believe in an interconnected web of human relationships. I am happy when I see another person and I prove it to them by smiling at them with my mouth and eyes. I often witness another’s face completely change after they see my unassuming smile. I hope I instill each person that I meet with more positive emotion and energy. Then they can bring that energy into their relationships and lift up the web of life.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Reading to T's class
I love working close to home. It is one of the top things that I look for in my work. I was reminded of why today.
I took an early lunch and went over to my son's preschool to read some books to the kids. T picked out a dinosaur book that morning. I picked out a feelings book. As we were headed out the door, L suggested that we bring our family picture album. I was hesitant, but I brought it to appease L. The album turned out to be a huge hit.
I arrived at 11:30 to T beaming at the door. It was cleanup time and I got down on my hands and knees and helped pickup the toys. I spoke with D and K about where the hammers and stethoscope were stored. Then it was time to read.
I sat up in front of the class. 12 little beaming faces were ready to hear about dinosaurs. We started with Brontosaurus. The kids ooohed about how big he looked in the book. We talked about other objects that are 70 feet long.
"He was as long as 3 school buses." I said. "And much taller than the school."
I let that sink in and turned the page.
I asked the kids to pick their favorite color dinosaur from the next page. It was an even split between pink and green.
The T-Rex page was definitely the favorite. I hyped it up very well.
Next I breezed through the feeling book. The kids easily recognized the angry face and were able to demonstrate it well. They did the same with the happy face. This is another one of Todd Parr's excellent books.
The finale was the vacation album that J ordered from snapfish. That was a big hit with the teachers and kids. There is a picture of M at 14 months chillin in her car seat. The kids loved it as much as I did.
The look on T's face when I arrived at school was truly priceless. I loved meeting his friends and feeling the atmosphere at school. It was magic. I love that kid.
I took an early lunch and went over to my son's preschool to read some books to the kids. T picked out a dinosaur book that morning. I picked out a feelings book. As we were headed out the door, L suggested that we bring our family picture album. I was hesitant, but I brought it to appease L. The album turned out to be a huge hit.
I arrived at 11:30 to T beaming at the door. It was cleanup time and I got down on my hands and knees and helped pickup the toys. I spoke with D and K about where the hammers and stethoscope were stored. Then it was time to read.
I sat up in front of the class. 12 little beaming faces were ready to hear about dinosaurs. We started with Brontosaurus. The kids ooohed about how big he looked in the book. We talked about other objects that are 70 feet long.
"He was as long as 3 school buses." I said. "And much taller than the school."
I let that sink in and turned the page.
I asked the kids to pick their favorite color dinosaur from the next page. It was an even split between pink and green.
The T-Rex page was definitely the favorite. I hyped it up very well.
Next I breezed through the feeling book. The kids easily recognized the angry face and were able to demonstrate it well. They did the same with the happy face. This is another one of Todd Parr's excellent books.
The finale was the vacation album that J ordered from snapfish. That was a big hit with the teachers and kids. There is a picture of M at 14 months chillin in her car seat. The kids loved it as much as I did.
The look on T's face when I arrived at school was truly priceless. I loved meeting his friends and feeling the atmosphere at school. It was magic. I love that kid.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Encouraging awe in nature.
My wife and I went to the bookstore the other night. I love browsing with no topic in mind. I browse technology and fitness and see what pops off the shelf. I was in the science section and I found a great book called the Universe http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0756613647/qid=1132110085/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/002-8678562-1048066?v=glance&s=books.
It is a huge volume with creative images from the atom to the sun. Numerous shots from the Hubble telescope are featured. I knew the kids would love the astronomy section.
I showed the kids the book the next day. L and T asked me to take it down from the special shelf on 4 separate occasions. We poured over the maps of the stars. There was a section for the November sky in the Northern and Southern hemispheres.
"Let's find the North Star." I suggested.
We poured over the book for a moment.
"Ooops!" said L. "We should be looking in the Northern Hemisphere for that."
She was right again. Daddy was on the wrong page. 5.5 years old. The kids really amaze me.
"There is the big dipper and there is the little dipper." I said.
"Wow." said T.
Later that night when I was putting M to bed the older kids were getting into their silly mode. This has been a pattern for the past few nights.
"Guys! Why don't you get your coats on and we will go out and look at the sky? Maybe we can find some constellations."
It was curious that I did not have to repeat that suggestion. The kids sprinted downstairs and had their jackets on in 1 minute. A new family record. M and I were the last ones ready.
We went around the house and shut out all of the lights. That was an exciting project. When the house was in pitch blackness the kids and I headed out back.
"Look! The little dipper!" T exclaimed.
He was right on. "You've got it T!" I encouraged.
M called out: "Moooo."
"Yes, M!" I said. "That is the moon!"
"Where are all the stars?" Asked L.
"It is a little cloudy tonight. We will see some more stars another night. But aren't the ones that we can see beautiful?"
"Yeah." Replied L and T.
I think these expeditions and learning projects build a sense of awe in the kids about nature. Throughout the day we talked about how many stars are in the universe. I think the kids will grow up with a healthy mindset, knowing the true nature of the universe.
It is a huge volume with creative images from the atom to the sun. Numerous shots from the Hubble telescope are featured. I knew the kids would love the astronomy section.
I showed the kids the book the next day. L and T asked me to take it down from the special shelf on 4 separate occasions. We poured over the maps of the stars. There was a section for the November sky in the Northern and Southern hemispheres.
"Let's find the North Star." I suggested.
We poured over the book for a moment.
"Ooops!" said L. "We should be looking in the Northern Hemisphere for that."
She was right again. Daddy was on the wrong page. 5.5 years old. The kids really amaze me.
"There is the big dipper and there is the little dipper." I said.
"Wow." said T.
Later that night when I was putting M to bed the older kids were getting into their silly mode. This has been a pattern for the past few nights.
"Guys! Why don't you get your coats on and we will go out and look at the sky? Maybe we can find some constellations."
It was curious that I did not have to repeat that suggestion. The kids sprinted downstairs and had their jackets on in 1 minute. A new family record. M and I were the last ones ready.
We went around the house and shut out all of the lights. That was an exciting project. When the house was in pitch blackness the kids and I headed out back.
"Look! The little dipper!" T exclaimed.
He was right on. "You've got it T!" I encouraged.
M called out: "Moooo."
"Yes, M!" I said. "That is the moon!"
"Where are all the stars?" Asked L.
"It is a little cloudy tonight. We will see some more stars another night. But aren't the ones that we can see beautiful?"
"Yeah." Replied L and T.
I think these expeditions and learning projects build a sense of awe in the kids about nature. Throughout the day we talked about how many stars are in the universe. I think the kids will grow up with a healthy mindset, knowing the true nature of the universe.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Patience pondering
The following is a post that I left in response to a patience question on yahoo groups:
Yes, I would love to share some ideas on the patience topic. Your observation of thinking before you speak is a great thought to keepin mind. It has saved me many times and there are many times that Iwish I had employed it.
Also, you mentioned the challenge of parenting when you are tired or cranky. It is good to know when you are tired or your blood sugar is low. When I am operating in this mode I consider myself in the danger zone or Orange alert. I try to remain extra vigilant with my patience.
The classic patience technique is counting to 10 and taking deepbreaths. It is easy to say, but I think it is really hard to do in the heat of battle. It feels weird to stand up and walk out of the room without saying a word. It feels like you are giving in,somehow. But the several times I have utilized it, it has been a real homerun. It diffuses the situation and the adrenaline clears from my system.
Another physical cause of patience failure is when the kids are screaming and causing actually pain in your ears. I believe this is a biological reaction that causes us to become hyper alert.Adrenaline is again released into my system and I have to become consious of my actions. I have to consciously realize that the pain in my ears is simply temporary. My ears always feel better moments later.
Often times the kids will rope me into their arguments. One is crying because they were hit or one of the kids is yelling at their mother. The anger spreads through the room like wildfire. It is Ariel emotional master that can keep it cool in these situations. Don't take sides. I remind myself that this is not my anger, it is theirs. They are angry. If I can remain impartial and see things from all sides then I can offer healthy alternatives. Again if I am worried about my ears, or my peace and quiet then I am doomed. Also if I pick a side I am also not doing one party much of a service.
Another patience trigger is when I perceive that the kids are making work for myself or my wife. Intentionally spilling water. Making tons of noise after I have just put our youngest down. These actions really challenge me. I have to remember to breathe deep and recall that they are only children acting as children are supposed to. I also try to remember that the perceived work is seldom as much as I expect.
Whenever I put myself in the kids shoes I generally achieve the empathy that I need to successfully manage a challenging situation. I think of these things as patience "swing thoughts". At any time one of them may come in handy and I hope I am aware enough to bring it to the forefront of my mind.
Does anyone have any other good suggestions on patience?
Yes, I would love to share some ideas on the patience topic. Your observation of thinking before you speak is a great thought to keepin mind. It has saved me many times and there are many times that Iwish I had employed it.
Also, you mentioned the challenge of parenting when you are tired or cranky. It is good to know when you are tired or your blood sugar is low. When I am operating in this mode I consider myself in the danger zone or Orange alert. I try to remain extra vigilant with my patience.
The classic patience technique is counting to 10 and taking deepbreaths. It is easy to say, but I think it is really hard to do in the heat of battle. It feels weird to stand up and walk out of the room without saying a word. It feels like you are giving in,somehow. But the several times I have utilized it, it has been a real homerun. It diffuses the situation and the adrenaline clears from my system.
Another physical cause of patience failure is when the kids are screaming and causing actually pain in your ears. I believe this is a biological reaction that causes us to become hyper alert.Adrenaline is again released into my system and I have to become consious of my actions. I have to consciously realize that the pain in my ears is simply temporary. My ears always feel better moments later.
Often times the kids will rope me into their arguments. One is crying because they were hit or one of the kids is yelling at their mother. The anger spreads through the room like wildfire. It is Ariel emotional master that can keep it cool in these situations. Don't take sides. I remind myself that this is not my anger, it is theirs. They are angry. If I can remain impartial and see things from all sides then I can offer healthy alternatives. Again if I am worried about my ears, or my peace and quiet then I am doomed. Also if I pick a side I am also not doing one party much of a service.
Another patience trigger is when I perceive that the kids are making work for myself or my wife. Intentionally spilling water. Making tons of noise after I have just put our youngest down. These actions really challenge me. I have to remember to breathe deep and recall that they are only children acting as children are supposed to. I also try to remember that the perceived work is seldom as much as I expect.
Whenever I put myself in the kids shoes I generally achieve the empathy that I need to successfully manage a challenging situation. I think of these things as patience "swing thoughts". At any time one of them may come in handy and I hope I am aware enough to bring it to the forefront of my mind.
Does anyone have any other good suggestions on patience?
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Passing on values at bedtime.
Each night when I put T to bed he asks for a story. I use this time to convey my values to my little man.
Many nights we pick a profession where he can help humans or animals. For instance he will accompany Steve the crocodile hunter on a mission to save injured crocodiles in the outback. He rescues crocodiles from trees and fixes there cavities while Steve holds their mouths open.
Other nights T will drink a potion that he invented and turn himself into a dinosaur or some other creature. The creature will help mankind in someway. When he is a Brontosaurus, he can give children rides at the park. When he is a dragon he can help me burn stumps out of the backyard. T is always having fun and helping out.
Last night was one of our best. He said he wanted to be himself in this story. I told him that he could cook a meal for the Monday night supper for the homeless at our church.
"What do you want to cook T?"
T thought long and hard for 30 seconds. I waited patiently for his response, doing all that I could not to lead him.
Finally T decided: "Gingerbread cookies."
"Great! I am sure that they will love them."
"What ingredients do we need and how do we make them?" I asked.
"We need eggs, flour, sugar, milk and a great big bowl! And then we stir it!" T replied enthusiastically.
"Perfect. What should we use for eyes?"
"Chocolate chips." Replied T.
L was listening patiently and keeping quiet during T's story. Then she piped in:
"Dad, this is like when we made the grilled cheese sandwiches for the youth group lunch at church!"
"Exactly!" I exclaimed.
"And did those kids appear happy when they received their sandwiches?"
L paused. "Yes, they looked very happy."
"I think the hungry people at our church will feel just as happy to eat T's cookies."
"Yeah." replied T. "Now can I have a dinosaur story?"
It is tempting to give T exactly what he asks for each night. Stories filled with action and gore that scare the pajamas off of him. Instead I try to fill the stories with values like hard work, enjoying your work, and helping make the world a better place. I try to keep away from stories with villains and heros who overcome treachery. I hope T will build a world full of cooperation and win-win scenarios instead of win-lose. Especially when the winner needs to resort to violence to get the job done. Can you see where I stand on the Disney films?
Many nights we pick a profession where he can help humans or animals. For instance he will accompany Steve the crocodile hunter on a mission to save injured crocodiles in the outback. He rescues crocodiles from trees and fixes there cavities while Steve holds their mouths open.
Other nights T will drink a potion that he invented and turn himself into a dinosaur or some other creature. The creature will help mankind in someway. When he is a Brontosaurus, he can give children rides at the park. When he is a dragon he can help me burn stumps out of the backyard. T is always having fun and helping out.
Last night was one of our best. He said he wanted to be himself in this story. I told him that he could cook a meal for the Monday night supper for the homeless at our church.
"What do you want to cook T?"
T thought long and hard for 30 seconds. I waited patiently for his response, doing all that I could not to lead him.
Finally T decided: "Gingerbread cookies."
"Great! I am sure that they will love them."
"What ingredients do we need and how do we make them?" I asked.
"We need eggs, flour, sugar, milk and a great big bowl! And then we stir it!" T replied enthusiastically.
"Perfect. What should we use for eyes?"
"Chocolate chips." Replied T.
L was listening patiently and keeping quiet during T's story. Then she piped in:
"Dad, this is like when we made the grilled cheese sandwiches for the youth group lunch at church!"
"Exactly!" I exclaimed.
"And did those kids appear happy when they received their sandwiches?"
L paused. "Yes, they looked very happy."
"I think the hungry people at our church will feel just as happy to eat T's cookies."
"Yeah." replied T. "Now can I have a dinosaur story?"
It is tempting to give T exactly what he asks for each night. Stories filled with action and gore that scare the pajamas off of him. Instead I try to fill the stories with values like hard work, enjoying your work, and helping make the world a better place. I try to keep away from stories with villains and heros who overcome treachery. I hope T will build a world full of cooperation and win-win scenarios instead of win-lose. Especially when the winner needs to resort to violence to get the job done. Can you see where I stand on the Disney films?
Monday, October 31, 2005
Halloween meltdown.
My oldest daughter L, 5.5 years has never eaten 5 servings of candy before bedtime until tonight. She also has never had an emotional meltdown of this proportion, ever. Coincidence? I don't think so.
The meltdown got started as I was putting M to bed. L and T were playing in the bathtub. I could hear that they were having way too much fun and I suspected water was flying everywhere. As I put M down I heard mommy address the troops.
"Alright, that's it. L in your room, T in your room. You are going to bed by yourselves tonight!"
L was furious.
"I want daddy! I want to go in to T's room with daddy."
I was working on T's reading with him in his room. He was making progress reading his first short book when L burst into the room: "Mom said I could come in if you said it was OK."
"It is fine L, if you can listen while T reads his book."
L immediately jumped up next to T. It is tough to get T to concentrate on a book, so I was a little frustrated when L began sounding out the letters for T. T became frustrated and threw the book across the room.
"L, I asked you to listen while T reads his book."
That was too much constructive criticism for L to bear.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaa"
That was another fine instance of daddy speaking without thinking. As the words were coming out of my mouth I knew she was in no state to handle them.
I let her cry for 30 seconds and then spoke:
"L, this behavior is keeping T awake. I will count to 60. When I am done counting you need to have calmed down."
I began counting. By 10 she had stopped crying. At 30 I tried to rub her back, but she pushed my hand away. By 60 we were all ready to brush the sugar film off of our teeth.
I loaded up the toothbrushes and L demanded that she get her teeth brushed first. T was right next to me so I ignored her request and started scrubbing T's teeth. Again this injustice was too much for L to bear.
"Daddy you're not nice! I wanted to go first!"
I knew nothing that I could say was going to help at this point. Luckily my wife arrived and swept L off into her room.
I told T about 3 minutes of his bedtime story. Tonight he wanted to be a gingerbread man. He and all his friends became the fastest creatures on earth. "Faster than a cheetah?" asked T.
"Yeah, faster than a cheetah." They were just finishing a game of freeze tag in gingerbread land when mommy came in.
"L wants you." J muttered.
I went into L's room and there she was with her arms outstretched waiting for a hug. I gave her a huge hug and squeezed her firmly for 2 full minutes. When I let go we talked about Trick or Treating, the neighbor's costumes and anything else we could think of. It was as if she had been exorcised. I stayed for 10 minutes and kissed her goodnight. She went to bed without further incident.
When L gets into those moods I try to remember a time when I was younger and was really upset. The time that I remember most clearly is when my favorite football team the Dallas Cowboys lost to the 49rs in the NFC championship game. I cried for 2 hours and was generally inconsolable. I threw many things around the living room as well. When I see L in that state I remember exactly how I felt when I was in her shoes. I hug her, but I also try to give her healthy alternatives to channel her feelings. The counting drill was one effective drill. Getting away and getting some quiet time to yourself is another method that works for me.
The meltdown got started as I was putting M to bed. L and T were playing in the bathtub. I could hear that they were having way too much fun and I suspected water was flying everywhere. As I put M down I heard mommy address the troops.
"Alright, that's it. L in your room, T in your room. You are going to bed by yourselves tonight!"
L was furious.
"I want daddy! I want to go in to T's room with daddy."
I was working on T's reading with him in his room. He was making progress reading his first short book when L burst into the room: "Mom said I could come in if you said it was OK."
"It is fine L, if you can listen while T reads his book."
L immediately jumped up next to T. It is tough to get T to concentrate on a book, so I was a little frustrated when L began sounding out the letters for T. T became frustrated and threw the book across the room.
"L, I asked you to listen while T reads his book."
That was too much constructive criticism for L to bear.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaa"
That was another fine instance of daddy speaking without thinking. As the words were coming out of my mouth I knew she was in no state to handle them.
I let her cry for 30 seconds and then spoke:
"L, this behavior is keeping T awake. I will count to 60. When I am done counting you need to have calmed down."
I began counting. By 10 she had stopped crying. At 30 I tried to rub her back, but she pushed my hand away. By 60 we were all ready to brush the sugar film off of our teeth.
I loaded up the toothbrushes and L demanded that she get her teeth brushed first. T was right next to me so I ignored her request and started scrubbing T's teeth. Again this injustice was too much for L to bear.
"Daddy you're not nice! I wanted to go first!"
I knew nothing that I could say was going to help at this point. Luckily my wife arrived and swept L off into her room.
I told T about 3 minutes of his bedtime story. Tonight he wanted to be a gingerbread man. He and all his friends became the fastest creatures on earth. "Faster than a cheetah?" asked T.
"Yeah, faster than a cheetah." They were just finishing a game of freeze tag in gingerbread land when mommy came in.
"L wants you." J muttered.
I went into L's room and there she was with her arms outstretched waiting for a hug. I gave her a huge hug and squeezed her firmly for 2 full minutes. When I let go we talked about Trick or Treating, the neighbor's costumes and anything else we could think of. It was as if she had been exorcised. I stayed for 10 minutes and kissed her goodnight. She went to bed without further incident.
When L gets into those moods I try to remember a time when I was younger and was really upset. The time that I remember most clearly is when my favorite football team the Dallas Cowboys lost to the 49rs in the NFC championship game. I cried for 2 hours and was generally inconsolable. I threw many things around the living room as well. When I see L in that state I remember exactly how I felt when I was in her shoes. I hug her, but I also try to give her healthy alternatives to channel her feelings. The counting drill was one effective drill. Getting away and getting some quiet time to yourself is another method that works for me.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Bedtime zen master.
After 5 and a half years of parenting I may have unlocked the key to the nighttime routine. I have experienced 3 nights in a row of bedtime bliss. I have remained calm and collected while the 3 monkeys have screamed, hit, whined and cried. What has been the secret you ask? Letting go.
Number one.: I let go of the idea that I deserve to have peace and quiet in my home. We all live there. Occasionally someone's emotions will get the better of them and they will use their outside voice. The pain in my ears is momentary, but a pattern of angry reactions will leave scars on my little angels for a lifetime. When an angel uses an outside voice I gently remind them that they need to use their inside voices.
Number two: Human beings go to bed when they are ready. I can set them up for success with a calm and quiet environment, but the rest is up to them.
Number three: If the kids are over tired and yelling and screaming, it is them that is suffering, not me. I can feel their pain and empathize with it. I know how it feels to drive a hammer into my thumb when I am tired. I want to curl up and go fetal. My role is to be there for them as a calm and steady lighthouse in their emotional hurricane.
Enough theory. Time for some examples. The last 3 nights were legendary not because the kids were angels, but because they were sick and very challenging.
L first tried to break up M's bedtime routine. I calmly repeated my request for her to leave her sister's room. She complied. I realized that there is no way for L to know if I am putting M to bed when the door is closed. I may have L make a Do Not Disturb sign this weekend during project time.
Later L refused to let me have alone time with T. She claimed it was unfair and that T always got the most attention at bedtime. I reflected on this and realized that she had a point. I tried to let her stay in the room with T. Sure enough, this time T drifted off to sleep while his sister read quietly next to him in bed.
Next L and I played patty cake. We agreed on 3 games. We got through one game and then L decided to change the game slightly. I did not understand her new rules and I made a mistake at the end of the second game. L had a breakdown and began crying and yelling. I told her that I would finish the last game if she could calm down.
She was relentless. She screamed that she needed to replay the second game. She refused to start the third game until I fixed my blunder in the second game.
I told her I needed to get out of the room for a while and calm down. L followed me downstairs, yelling and sobbing uncontrollably.
I sat on the couch and closed my eyes. L hit me with a pillow and began waving her arms out in front of me, pretending to hit me. None of these actions have resulted in consequences in our home, so L masterfully tested the boundaries.
"Do not hit, me. Bedtime is over if you hit me."
"Two more games!"
I closed my eyes again and pondered the situation. I had already wasted 10 minutes of L's bedtime by not replaying the second game. It would take 30 seconds to play the game. I decided to consciously cave in to her demand in this case.
I opened my eyes and said:
"OK, two more games. Please give me a hug and I will carry you to bed."
Off we went. Two more games and L was out like a light.
The nights were full of challenging scenes like this. Especially at toothbrushing time. I really think we have a vanishing stepping stool. At 8PM they are in no condition to share one. But the techniques that I have mentioned are key to nighttime success. Model calmness and patience. The pain in your ears will subside and you will be the zen master of bedtime.
Number one.: I let go of the idea that I deserve to have peace and quiet in my home. We all live there. Occasionally someone's emotions will get the better of them and they will use their outside voice. The pain in my ears is momentary, but a pattern of angry reactions will leave scars on my little angels for a lifetime. When an angel uses an outside voice I gently remind them that they need to use their inside voices.
Number two: Human beings go to bed when they are ready. I can set them up for success with a calm and quiet environment, but the rest is up to them.
Number three: If the kids are over tired and yelling and screaming, it is them that is suffering, not me. I can feel their pain and empathize with it. I know how it feels to drive a hammer into my thumb when I am tired. I want to curl up and go fetal. My role is to be there for them as a calm and steady lighthouse in their emotional hurricane.
Enough theory. Time for some examples. The last 3 nights were legendary not because the kids were angels, but because they were sick and very challenging.
L first tried to break up M's bedtime routine. I calmly repeated my request for her to leave her sister's room. She complied. I realized that there is no way for L to know if I am putting M to bed when the door is closed. I may have L make a Do Not Disturb sign this weekend during project time.
Later L refused to let me have alone time with T. She claimed it was unfair and that T always got the most attention at bedtime. I reflected on this and realized that she had a point. I tried to let her stay in the room with T. Sure enough, this time T drifted off to sleep while his sister read quietly next to him in bed.
Next L and I played patty cake. We agreed on 3 games. We got through one game and then L decided to change the game slightly. I did not understand her new rules and I made a mistake at the end of the second game. L had a breakdown and began crying and yelling. I told her that I would finish the last game if she could calm down.
She was relentless. She screamed that she needed to replay the second game. She refused to start the third game until I fixed my blunder in the second game.
I told her I needed to get out of the room for a while and calm down. L followed me downstairs, yelling and sobbing uncontrollably.
I sat on the couch and closed my eyes. L hit me with a pillow and began waving her arms out in front of me, pretending to hit me. None of these actions have resulted in consequences in our home, so L masterfully tested the boundaries.
"Do not hit, me. Bedtime is over if you hit me."
"Two more games!"
I closed my eyes again and pondered the situation. I had already wasted 10 minutes of L's bedtime by not replaying the second game. It would take 30 seconds to play the game. I decided to consciously cave in to her demand in this case.
I opened my eyes and said:
"OK, two more games. Please give me a hug and I will carry you to bed."
Off we went. Two more games and L was out like a light.
The nights were full of challenging scenes like this. Especially at toothbrushing time. I really think we have a vanishing stepping stool. At 8PM they are in no condition to share one. But the techniques that I have mentioned are key to nighttime success. Model calmness and patience. The pain in your ears will subside and you will be the zen master of bedtime.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Patience with my Mom.
My mom was kind enough to sit for us on Saturday night. When I came home I was totally exhausted. I had played with the kids all day and conversed with buddies for the previous 3 hours. I was ready to hit the sack hard. My mom and I chit chatted a bit and she headed out the door. As she left she inquired: "Now where did I put my keys?"
The classic question of aging mom's. I shrugged and helped her look under the couch cushions. Then it was out into the driveway with a flashlight while my mom emptied her purse. I was tired and my patience is easily challenged when I am weary. Fortunately tonight I recognized this fact and collected myself as I searched the driveway.
I reminded myself that I lose my keys all the time. I also reminded myself that the worst case scenario was that I would drive my mom home to get her spare key and back. That would take a half an hour at the most. I would certainly survive that. My mom had also done me a huge favor tonight and deserves lots of key losing latitude.
I took a final deep breath and entered the house. "Where are those darn things?" My mom was starting to get a bit agitated, but was pretty calm for 11:30. I liked to think she was feeding off of my calmness.
In my calm state I picked up my moms coat. I had already checked the pockets, but thought I would check a final time. I patted the coat down and felt the lump of the keys in the middle of the left side. There was a hidden pocket there and mom must have slipped them in.
I produced the keys with a magicians slight of hand and a smile. "Where did you find those?" My mom asked, amazed.
"Right where you left them, mom." I replied.
"Thank you so much." She said. Good night.
I can think of many times when similar situations have gone poorly between myself and my mom. We used to get more agitated with each other when things did not go as planned. I hope my appreciation of my mother and all that she does for me has helped during these encounters.
I also believe these calm encounters will be witnessed by my kids and serve as examples. The kids are sharp. They will pick it up.
The classic question of aging mom's. I shrugged and helped her look under the couch cushions. Then it was out into the driveway with a flashlight while my mom emptied her purse. I was tired and my patience is easily challenged when I am weary. Fortunately tonight I recognized this fact and collected myself as I searched the driveway.
I reminded myself that I lose my keys all the time. I also reminded myself that the worst case scenario was that I would drive my mom home to get her spare key and back. That would take a half an hour at the most. I would certainly survive that. My mom had also done me a huge favor tonight and deserves lots of key losing latitude.
I took a final deep breath and entered the house. "Where are those darn things?" My mom was starting to get a bit agitated, but was pretty calm for 11:30. I liked to think she was feeding off of my calmness.
In my calm state I picked up my moms coat. I had already checked the pockets, but thought I would check a final time. I patted the coat down and felt the lump of the keys in the middle of the left side. There was a hidden pocket there and mom must have slipped them in.
I produced the keys with a magicians slight of hand and a smile. "Where did you find those?" My mom asked, amazed.
"Right where you left them, mom." I replied.
"Thank you so much." She said. Good night.
I can think of many times when similar situations have gone poorly between myself and my mom. We used to get more agitated with each other when things did not go as planned. I hope my appreciation of my mother and all that she does for me has helped during these encounters.
I also believe these calm encounters will be witnessed by my kids and serve as examples. The kids are sharp. They will pick it up.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Computer time with the kids.
During M's nap I decided to try computer time with the kids. T on one machine and L on the other. L loaded her Blue's clues kindergarten CD. It teaches her about reading, math and science. It is great. T wanted to do Land Before Time, but I insisted on the Hooked On Phonics CD. He acquiesced and began working on his letter sounds.
The game asked "Which letter makes the sound UH". The letter "U" came up as a choice with a bunch of other letters. T was stumped. He looked at me to throw him a bone.
"Uh, Umbrella." I paused grasping for another U word. "Uh Underpants!"
T laughed so hard he almost fell off the chair.
"That's U". He clicked on the letter.
I worked on cleaning up the kitchen while I listened to T answer the questions about letter sounds. Soon he shouted: "I won, I won the game!"
I hustled over and gave T a big hug. "Great job buddy!"
His next game was a rhyming game. I remembered L had struggled with this one, so I sat down next to T while he learned the game. "You need to pick the word with the same ending sound, T. Get it?"
"I've got it." T exclaimed.
And he sure did. He ripped through the game in about 3 minutes.
I watched in amazement as he easily picked the rhyming sounds. At the end of the game we high fived and hugged.
"T, you have a very smart brain in that head!" I said as I tapped his skull.
"Yeah, I do have a very smart head!"
We continued this ritual as he breezed through another 8 games. We would hug and celebrate and high five as he sounded out the words and completed the levels.
Eventually he hit a level that was too advanced and we decided to take a break.
I think T made some great progress towards reading today. We enjoyed the time together and celebrated his learning and growth. We both had a blast.
The game asked "Which letter makes the sound UH". The letter "U" came up as a choice with a bunch of other letters. T was stumped. He looked at me to throw him a bone.
"Uh, Umbrella." I paused grasping for another U word. "Uh Underpants!"
T laughed so hard he almost fell off the chair.
"That's U". He clicked on the letter.
I worked on cleaning up the kitchen while I listened to T answer the questions about letter sounds. Soon he shouted: "I won, I won the game!"
I hustled over and gave T a big hug. "Great job buddy!"
His next game was a rhyming game. I remembered L had struggled with this one, so I sat down next to T while he learned the game. "You need to pick the word with the same ending sound, T. Get it?"
"I've got it." T exclaimed.
And he sure did. He ripped through the game in about 3 minutes.
I watched in amazement as he easily picked the rhyming sounds. At the end of the game we high fived and hugged.
"T, you have a very smart brain in that head!" I said as I tapped his skull.
"Yeah, I do have a very smart head!"
We continued this ritual as he breezed through another 8 games. We would hug and celebrate and high five as he sounded out the words and completed the levels.
Eventually he hit a level that was too advanced and we decided to take a break.
I think T made some great progress towards reading today. We enjoyed the time together and celebrated his learning and growth. We both had a blast.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Asking for help.
After a full day with the kids I felt my patience slipping. I had just put M down. I had gotten L and T's teeth brushed. Now all I needed was some quiet time for T so that he could get to sleep. T was demanding a story, and I was looking forward to telling that story and listening to him drift off to sleep.
The monkey in the wrench was L. She was jumping and tickling T until he started kicking her. I knew I was going to have to physically remove L or coax her to leave the room. I felt my blood pressure rising and breath shortening.
I really wanted to give my wife the whole night off, but I was cooked. I took a deep breath, left the room, calmly walked downstairs and called in the reinforcements.
"J, can I get a hand upstairs. I just need you to take L for a minute while I put T down. Once he is out I will take over with L."
"Sure." She replied.
The story with T was a riot. He had shown up at this mornings soccer game with his buddy J. They were both dressed in full Power Rangers costumes. They headed padded muscles, swords and helmets. It was adorable. So tonight, the Power Rangers T and J traveled in their space craft to the planet TJ. On that planet there were many dinosaurs. T and J flew berries up to the Brontosaurus'. They also helped to keep the T-Rex's away by spinning them around by their tails and throwing them in the river!
T thought that was hilarious and asked me to tell it over and over.
I finished the story and did some sit ups while T drifted off to sleep. L was sleeping when I emerged from the room. The kids were all set.
I was happy that I recognized that I was losing my patience and that I went for help. In the past I would have tried to handle that myself and would have picked up L in anger and moved her into her room by force. I always feel deep regret when I do that. Or worse, I would have yelled at her and admonished her for her lack of cooperation. That is not very realistic or empathic towards her state of mind at that time of night. That was a huge win to finish off an all star day. I feel lucky to have my wife around.
The monkey in the wrench was L. She was jumping and tickling T until he started kicking her. I knew I was going to have to physically remove L or coax her to leave the room. I felt my blood pressure rising and breath shortening.
I really wanted to give my wife the whole night off, but I was cooked. I took a deep breath, left the room, calmly walked downstairs and called in the reinforcements.
"J, can I get a hand upstairs. I just need you to take L for a minute while I put T down. Once he is out I will take over with L."
"Sure." She replied.
The story with T was a riot. He had shown up at this mornings soccer game with his buddy J. They were both dressed in full Power Rangers costumes. They headed padded muscles, swords and helmets. It was adorable. So tonight, the Power Rangers T and J traveled in their space craft to the planet TJ. On that planet there were many dinosaurs. T and J flew berries up to the Brontosaurus'. They also helped to keep the T-Rex's away by spinning them around by their tails and throwing them in the river!
T thought that was hilarious and asked me to tell it over and over.
I finished the story and did some sit ups while T drifted off to sleep. L was sleeping when I emerged from the room. The kids were all set.
I was happy that I recognized that I was losing my patience and that I went for help. In the past I would have tried to handle that myself and would have picked up L in anger and moved her into her room by force. I always feel deep regret when I do that. Or worse, I would have yelled at her and admonished her for her lack of cooperation. That is not very realistic or empathic towards her state of mind at that time of night. That was a huge win to finish off an all star day. I feel lucky to have my wife around.
10 kids in the yard.
Today was a dream day. L scored her goal in the morning at her organized game. This afternoon we had tons of neighborhood kids in the yard and our cousins A and P.
I thought it was a perfect time to get a pickup soccer game going. We only played for about a half and hour, but it was really fun. I played and passed with the girls. I think it was great for L and T to see some older kids play the game. They saw some good passing and dribbling and hopefully got some ideas for their games.
I loved having all of the kids around the house. My theory is that if neighborhood kids love to hang out at our house, then so will our kids. We we all be relaxed and hopefully can talk about anything as we play soccer of whiffle ball or whatever.
I also love mentoring A and P. A taught me how to do some gymnastics moves. She helped me do a walkover with a little help from M's baby slide. I walked up with my feet on the ladder while doing a bridge with my hands on the grass. Then I pushed off on the ladder and went up into a handstand and over onto my feet.
Later, A, P and my family went apple picking. P (11 years old) pondered how many apples were in the orchard.
"How could you find out?" I asked.
"I could count them." Replied P.
"How long would that take?"
"About 10 years." She replied.
"Could you estimate?"
"I could count the apples on one tree. Then I could find out how many trees are in the orchard and I could multiply."
I was blown away. That seems pretty brilliant for an 11 year old.
"Fantastic. How are you going to find out how many trees there are?"
"I can ask somebody in the barn."
"Great idea."
I thought it was a perfect time to get a pickup soccer game going. We only played for about a half and hour, but it was really fun. I played and passed with the girls. I think it was great for L and T to see some older kids play the game. They saw some good passing and dribbling and hopefully got some ideas for their games.
I loved having all of the kids around the house. My theory is that if neighborhood kids love to hang out at our house, then so will our kids. We we all be relaxed and hopefully can talk about anything as we play soccer of whiffle ball or whatever.
I also love mentoring A and P. A taught me how to do some gymnastics moves. She helped me do a walkover with a little help from M's baby slide. I walked up with my feet on the ladder while doing a bridge with my hands on the grass. Then I pushed off on the ladder and went up into a handstand and over onto my feet.
Later, A, P and my family went apple picking. P (11 years old) pondered how many apples were in the orchard.
"How could you find out?" I asked.
"I could count them." Replied P.
"How long would that take?"
"About 10 years." She replied.
"Could you estimate?"
"I could count the apples on one tree. Then I could find out how many trees are in the orchard and I could multiply."
I was blown away. That seems pretty brilliant for an 11 year old.
"Fantastic. How are you going to find out how many trees there are?"
"I can ask somebody in the barn."
"Great idea."
L scores a goal.
This morning's soccer game was fantastic. I led the kids through warm ups with the other coaches and then we started to play.
L plays in the under 6 league. The orange team kicked off and swarmed down the field. L played some super defense. I watched her anticipate where the ball was going and position herself correctly, without ever getting guidance from an adult.
I cheered for L and all of the other girls on the yellow team when they made great plays. I also gently reminded them not to use their hands, ect..
The orange team scored a couple of goals. Their coach whispered to me that their star player was a champion ice skater. Pretty cool.
Late in the second half, C on our team had a throw in. I was carrying M around the field as I coached the other girls. I called to C and told her that L was open in the middle of the field. C is an excellent athlete and hurled the ball toward L. L settled the ball like a pro and turned it up field. She split two defenders and had a wide open breakaway.
The butterflies started once she broke clear and for 3 seconds the only thought that ran through my mind was: "Please God, let this go in!" I said it at least 5 times as she dribbled toward the goal. She unleashed a powerful shot in the lower left corner and made the twine sing.
I watched her toss her hands in the air and run back through her teammates. They all hugged her. Then she spotted me and sprinted over and jumped up into my arms.
No more goals were scored during the rest of the game, but our yellow team had some great chances. The girls were a little down about losing. I tried to pump them up by reminding them of their fantastic play:
"K, you had 2 great shots on goal."
"A, you had 3 amazing saves."
"Ka, you hit the post on one of your shots."
"We can't control how many goals each team scores. All we can do is our best, and the goals will come."
The girls really perked up as I mentioned each of their accomplishments and I believe that they forgot about the final score. It was not mentioned again.
L plays in the under 6 league. The orange team kicked off and swarmed down the field. L played some super defense. I watched her anticipate where the ball was going and position herself correctly, without ever getting guidance from an adult.
I cheered for L and all of the other girls on the yellow team when they made great plays. I also gently reminded them not to use their hands, ect..
The orange team scored a couple of goals. Their coach whispered to me that their star player was a champion ice skater. Pretty cool.
Late in the second half, C on our team had a throw in. I was carrying M around the field as I coached the other girls. I called to C and told her that L was open in the middle of the field. C is an excellent athlete and hurled the ball toward L. L settled the ball like a pro and turned it up field. She split two defenders and had a wide open breakaway.
The butterflies started once she broke clear and for 3 seconds the only thought that ran through my mind was: "Please God, let this go in!" I said it at least 5 times as she dribbled toward the goal. She unleashed a powerful shot in the lower left corner and made the twine sing.
I watched her toss her hands in the air and run back through her teammates. They all hugged her. Then she spotted me and sprinted over and jumped up into my arms.
No more goals were scored during the rest of the game, but our yellow team had some great chances. The girls were a little down about losing. I tried to pump them up by reminding them of their fantastic play:
"K, you had 2 great shots on goal."
"A, you had 3 amazing saves."
"Ka, you hit the post on one of your shots."
"We can't control how many goals each team scores. All we can do is our best, and the goals will come."
The girls really perked up as I mentioned each of their accomplishments and I believe that they forgot about the final score. It was not mentioned again.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
I do anything to keep the kids around.
I just put M down for her nap and my super wife had just headed out for a beauty day. L asked if she could play on the computer.
"Not now love. I have a better idea."
"What?"
"See the wood pile out back, under the clear tarp?"
"Yes."
"We are going to chop up all that wood and stack it in the garage."
No response.
"You guys get to do whatever part of the project that you want. You can start by bringing down the blue wheelbarrow. I will get the maul axe."
"Yeah! The big wheelbarrel!" Shouted T.
"Can I push one side, T?" Asked L.
"Sure." responded T.
They pushed the wheelbarrow across the yard. I laid down the biggest log to use for a base and was about to place another log on top to split. T grabbed the axe when I was not looking.
"I can split this one dad!"
He lifted the 8 pound axe and thumped it into the log. It made a much bigger dent than I ever would have thought he could at 4 years old.
"Wow, T! You almost split that log!"
He kept hitting it. Then L wanted a turn. I kept busy stacking some of the pieces that I had already split. Then I started shooting them into the wheelbarrow.
"Hey! Let me do that!" Called L.
She began filling the wheelbarrow with the split pieces of wood.
"T, can I take a swing now?"
"Sure, Dad."
I balanced a smaller piece of wood on the piece that T had been pounding. I asked the kids to stand way back because the pieces can fly. I easily whipped the axe through the air and split the wood with a direct hit. The 2 pieces went about 8 feet in opposite directions.
"Wow Dad, you were right. Those pieces do go far!"
I split a few more and then L and T wanted their turns splitting. I gathered up the wood while they diligently tried to split that piece of wood.
We moved 3 barrels full of wood into the garage. On the final piece I told the kids that they had really helped on that one.
"Guys, you got this piece started for me. It would have been much harder to split without all of your hard work."
The kids beamed. We all high fived and carried the last pieces of wood into the garage. T helped me stack while L rode her bike for a while.
"I love having you help me around the house, T."
"You are welcome, Dad."
The splitting may have taken a little longer with the kids, but it was so much more fun than doing it productively, but alone. We bonded, talked about the birds and the leaves and the cat and poop and whatever else came into our heads. I do whatever I can to keep them engaged in a project that I am working on. It is really a special time.
"Not now love. I have a better idea."
"What?"
"See the wood pile out back, under the clear tarp?"
"Yes."
"We are going to chop up all that wood and stack it in the garage."
No response.
"You guys get to do whatever part of the project that you want. You can start by bringing down the blue wheelbarrow. I will get the maul axe."
"Yeah! The big wheelbarrel!" Shouted T.
"Can I push one side, T?" Asked L.
"Sure." responded T.
They pushed the wheelbarrow across the yard. I laid down the biggest log to use for a base and was about to place another log on top to split. T grabbed the axe when I was not looking.
"I can split this one dad!"
He lifted the 8 pound axe and thumped it into the log. It made a much bigger dent than I ever would have thought he could at 4 years old.
"Wow, T! You almost split that log!"
He kept hitting it. Then L wanted a turn. I kept busy stacking some of the pieces that I had already split. Then I started shooting them into the wheelbarrow.
"Hey! Let me do that!" Called L.
She began filling the wheelbarrow with the split pieces of wood.
"T, can I take a swing now?"
"Sure, Dad."
I balanced a smaller piece of wood on the piece that T had been pounding. I asked the kids to stand way back because the pieces can fly. I easily whipped the axe through the air and split the wood with a direct hit. The 2 pieces went about 8 feet in opposite directions.
"Wow Dad, you were right. Those pieces do go far!"
I split a few more and then L and T wanted their turns splitting. I gathered up the wood while they diligently tried to split that piece of wood.
We moved 3 barrels full of wood into the garage. On the final piece I told the kids that they had really helped on that one.
"Guys, you got this piece started for me. It would have been much harder to split without all of your hard work."
The kids beamed. We all high fived and carried the last pieces of wood into the garage. T helped me stack while L rode her bike for a while.
"I love having you help me around the house, T."
"You are welcome, Dad."
The splitting may have taken a little longer with the kids, but it was so much more fun than doing it productively, but alone. We bonded, talked about the birds and the leaves and the cat and poop and whatever else came into our heads. I do whatever I can to keep them engaged in a project that I am working on. It is really a special time.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Choosing bed over the movies.
L was getting ready for bed when she realized that K's stuffed dog was in her bed.
"I need to bring this to K!" L exclaimed.
"Sure." I replied.
K and her siblings were downstairs. We were sitting for them while their parents enjoyed a well earned night out together. I forgot that my wife had put their kids in front of a movie until their parents got home.
L dropped off the dog and stared at the TV screen.
"I want to watch the movie."
I gently scooped her up and brought her back to her room.
"But I want to watch the movie daddy!" L protested.
"L, those kids aren't even interacting. The are sitting in front of a TV screen. You decide whether you want to feel rested for church tomorrow, or whether you want to waste your sleep time in front of the TV."
L did not mention the TV again. I was so proud of her as I watched her drift off to sleep. At 5 and a half she consciously made the investment in her coming day instead of wasting her time infront of a movie.
There were many a night that I wasted up late watching the Sox or some other irrelevant trash. I am glad L is learning to make these decisions consciously now.
"I need to bring this to K!" L exclaimed.
"Sure." I replied.
K and her siblings were downstairs. We were sitting for them while their parents enjoyed a well earned night out together. I forgot that my wife had put their kids in front of a movie until their parents got home.
L dropped off the dog and stared at the TV screen.
"I want to watch the movie."
I gently scooped her up and brought her back to her room.
"But I want to watch the movie daddy!" L protested.
"L, those kids aren't even interacting. The are sitting in front of a TV screen. You decide whether you want to feel rested for church tomorrow, or whether you want to waste your sleep time in front of the TV."
L did not mention the TV again. I was so proud of her as I watched her drift off to sleep. At 5 and a half she consciously made the investment in her coming day instead of wasting her time infront of a movie.
There were many a night that I wasted up late watching the Sox or some other irrelevant trash. I am glad L is learning to make these decisions consciously now.
I love you more than Mommy, Daddy.
L issued this statment the other night:
"I love you a little bit more than mommy." Whispered L before bedtime.
"Why?" I asked wondering where in the world this was going.
"Mommy gets angrier more than you."
I let that one go, but noted that my anger management and patience exercises may be paying off. My wife is an all-world parent and to have my patience placed in higher regard than hers was a nice compliment.
My parenting thought of the week has to be: "Their problems are their problems in the end." I can coach, I can coax, I can help as much as I want, but in the end their problems are theirs.
Nighttimes have become so much easier now that I stay out of the kid's fights. I also no longer micro-manage their bed-times. At 8 they are simply in their rooms and they can wind down as they please.
Another great parenting thought has been ignoring their yelling. At least not taking to heart like I used to. I used to feel entitled to a calm atmosphere in the home. I thought my eardrums deserved not to be split every night. But instead of getting angry when my ears are molested by a screech, I try to suck it up and breathe through it. I also remember that the cause of the scream is not my problem. I can try to help solve it, but in the end, I do not own it. The little human at the other end of the hurricane needs to resolve their issue with help from me. That is a critical difference.
"I love you a little bit more than mommy." Whispered L before bedtime.
"Why?" I asked wondering where in the world this was going.
"Mommy gets angrier more than you."
I let that one go, but noted that my anger management and patience exercises may be paying off. My wife is an all-world parent and to have my patience placed in higher regard than hers was a nice compliment.
My parenting thought of the week has to be: "Their problems are their problems in the end." I can coach, I can coax, I can help as much as I want, but in the end their problems are theirs.
Nighttimes have become so much easier now that I stay out of the kid's fights. I also no longer micro-manage their bed-times. At 8 they are simply in their rooms and they can wind down as they please.
Another great parenting thought has been ignoring their yelling. At least not taking to heart like I used to. I used to feel entitled to a calm atmosphere in the home. I thought my eardrums deserved not to be split every night. But instead of getting angry when my ears are molested by a screech, I try to suck it up and breathe through it. I also remember that the cause of the scream is not my problem. I can try to help solve it, but in the end, I do not own it. The little human at the other end of the hurricane needs to resolve their issue with help from me. That is a critical difference.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Morning at the Bird Sanctuary
This morning the kids and I got up and went to the bird sanctuary a few towns over. I loaded up the double jogger and hustled the kids in the car. M already had her morning dump so there was no need for diapers or wipes, sweet.
We got to the sanctuary and asked about trails at the office. I let L do most of the talking. The woman behind the desk spoke to her as if she were an adult. It was refreshing. We got instructions on several trails and headed out. Our parting instructions were: "Look for Godzilla the snapping turtle at the Rock pond!"
We hiked down a rock trail and got to the first marsh. It was gorgeous. I put the older kids up on my shoulders one at a time and had them gaze out on the expanse of reeds and flowers.
"What a beautiful view. " Exclaimed T(4). I believe that quote sunk in after I have uttered it hundreds of times.
We continued on the trail. Each child would take turns in the carriage. When we got to the Rock pond we stopped and began looking for Godzilla. As we looked out on the pond two gargantuan blue herons soared into the pond from the heavens. The sight was so surreal that my breathing stopped.
The scene had the same effect on T: "Look! Two pterodactyls!" T exclaimed.
I did feel as if I had been transported back to the Jurassic period. There was something very nice about being alone with the kids in nature. I felt we had a much deeper connection than at the zoo where things are a little too hustle and bustle.
"Yeah, it looks like a Pteradon." Exclaimed L (5.5 yrs.) "The P is silent or it would sound like a Pa-Teradon" she proudly explained.
"That's brilliant L!" I exclaimed. "I didn't know you knew so much about silent letters."
L beamed. "And T, I feel like we are Chomper, Little Foot and Sara in the Land Before Time. Are those Petrie's parents out there?"
"Your imagination is great dad." Replied T.
I broke into hysterics at the whole conversation. We all laughed and headed to the rock ledge. I let the kids climb around on some pretty treacherous terrain. They handled it great. We had a ball.
We made it out to the beaver dam and then it was time for daddy to head back for his afternoon golf tournament with Uncle B. (We came in second and played out of our minds.)
It was another miraculous morning with the little angels.
We got to the sanctuary and asked about trails at the office. I let L do most of the talking. The woman behind the desk spoke to her as if she were an adult. It was refreshing. We got instructions on several trails and headed out. Our parting instructions were: "Look for Godzilla the snapping turtle at the Rock pond!"
We hiked down a rock trail and got to the first marsh. It was gorgeous. I put the older kids up on my shoulders one at a time and had them gaze out on the expanse of reeds and flowers.
"What a beautiful view. " Exclaimed T(4). I believe that quote sunk in after I have uttered it hundreds of times.
We continued on the trail. Each child would take turns in the carriage. When we got to the Rock pond we stopped and began looking for Godzilla. As we looked out on the pond two gargantuan blue herons soared into the pond from the heavens. The sight was so surreal that my breathing stopped.
The scene had the same effect on T: "Look! Two pterodactyls!" T exclaimed.
I did feel as if I had been transported back to the Jurassic period. There was something very nice about being alone with the kids in nature. I felt we had a much deeper connection than at the zoo where things are a little too hustle and bustle.
"Yeah, it looks like a Pteradon." Exclaimed L (5.5 yrs.) "The P is silent or it would sound like a Pa-Teradon" she proudly explained.
"That's brilliant L!" I exclaimed. "I didn't know you knew so much about silent letters."
L beamed. "And T, I feel like we are Chomper, Little Foot and Sara in the Land Before Time. Are those Petrie's parents out there?"
"Your imagination is great dad." Replied T.
I broke into hysterics at the whole conversation. We all laughed and headed to the rock ledge. I let the kids climb around on some pretty treacherous terrain. They handled it great. We had a ball.
We made it out to the beaver dam and then it was time for daddy to head back for his afternoon golf tournament with Uncle B. (We came in second and played out of our minds.)
It was another miraculous morning with the little angels.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Planting the garden.
On Monday morning I was heading into work:
"T, we can bring the flowers out back and plant them tonight."
"I already brought 2 of them out back, dad."
I looked over at the plants and he had indeed brought two of them around the house. He was as excited about this project as I was. He spent and hour with me 2 weeks ago weeding the entire area. We also spent time telling bedtime stories about how we were going to plant a garden. I guess he was excited.
"Thanks T! I gave him a huge hug and a kiss."
T smiled: "I will did some holes too dad."
Sure enough, when I got home, T (4 yrs.) had dug two holes with his plastic hand shovel.
Great job T.
L was also very excited about the garden.
I explained to the kids that I needed to put the plants in the back of the garden, because we needed to grind out a stump in the front of the garden.
"Guys, the stump grinding machine will crush our flowers if we plant them near the stump. We need to plant in the back."
No argument from the troops. I brought out some peat moss and while I dug, the kids brought handfuls of peatmoss over and mixed it in with the dirt. M (1.5 yrs) was also part of this assembly line. It was totally adorable. She was head to toe dirt.
The kids watched and got very excited if we hit a rock or a root.
"Get the pick axe, daddy!" Shouted L.
With a couple of swings I would remove the obstruction.
All 3 of the kids worked with a passion. Running up the hill to get more peat and dumping it in the hole. I tried to give as little direction as possible and let their creativity run wild.
After the last mum was in I said: "Time for the water."
L and T sprinted for the hose.
"You hold the hose and I'll turn it on." Suggested L.
"OK." Agreed T.
T watered the flowers for a few mintutes and then began watering, M. M did not mind too much. She may have realized how dirty she was.
Bath time was a little stressful that night because the gardening had made us late. I needed to breathe deeply many times as the kids lost their focus many times during the nighttime routine. We were able to make it through with no yelling, however.
When I put T down he asked for his story.
"T, remember when we read about Rabbit in Winnie the Pooh? We said we were going to make a garden like his someday? Well we did it, man! We weeded the garden, put up fence posts, bought the plants, dug the holes and watered the plants. We did it T! We made a garden! How do you feel?"
"Good." Replied T with a big smile.
I hugged him again and said goodnight. I read L a short story and tucked her in and headed out for a run.
Any activity can be turned into a heavenly adventure with the kids. T has spent several hours of focused time creating his garden. I am really proud of him and L for thier hard work.
"T, we can bring the flowers out back and plant them tonight."
"I already brought 2 of them out back, dad."
I looked over at the plants and he had indeed brought two of them around the house. He was as excited about this project as I was. He spent and hour with me 2 weeks ago weeding the entire area. We also spent time telling bedtime stories about how we were going to plant a garden. I guess he was excited.
"Thanks T! I gave him a huge hug and a kiss."
T smiled: "I will did some holes too dad."
Sure enough, when I got home, T (4 yrs.) had dug two holes with his plastic hand shovel.
Great job T.
L was also very excited about the garden.
I explained to the kids that I needed to put the plants in the back of the garden, because we needed to grind out a stump in the front of the garden.
"Guys, the stump grinding machine will crush our flowers if we plant them near the stump. We need to plant in the back."
No argument from the troops. I brought out some peat moss and while I dug, the kids brought handfuls of peatmoss over and mixed it in with the dirt. M (1.5 yrs) was also part of this assembly line. It was totally adorable. She was head to toe dirt.
The kids watched and got very excited if we hit a rock or a root.
"Get the pick axe, daddy!" Shouted L.
With a couple of swings I would remove the obstruction.
All 3 of the kids worked with a passion. Running up the hill to get more peat and dumping it in the hole. I tried to give as little direction as possible and let their creativity run wild.
After the last mum was in I said: "Time for the water."
L and T sprinted for the hose.
"You hold the hose and I'll turn it on." Suggested L.
"OK." Agreed T.
T watered the flowers for a few mintutes and then began watering, M. M did not mind too much. She may have realized how dirty she was.
Bath time was a little stressful that night because the gardening had made us late. I needed to breathe deeply many times as the kids lost their focus many times during the nighttime routine. We were able to make it through with no yelling, however.
When I put T down he asked for his story.
"T, remember when we read about Rabbit in Winnie the Pooh? We said we were going to make a garden like his someday? Well we did it, man! We weeded the garden, put up fence posts, bought the plants, dug the holes and watered the plants. We did it T! We made a garden! How do you feel?"
"Good." Replied T with a big smile.
I hugged him again and said goodnight. I read L a short story and tucked her in and headed out for a run.
Any activity can be turned into a heavenly adventure with the kids. T has spent several hours of focused time creating his garden. I am really proud of him and L for thier hard work.
Working on the garden.
The oldest 2 and I went to the flower store today to get some flowers for our garden. We missed vegetable season, but I wanted us to have the experience of getting some flowers in our garden.
We went to the store and waited for 20 minutes while the owner helped other customers with their flower arrangements. The kids played with the store's humongous tabby cat. Then we looked for a Bhudda statue for the garden. L kept looking at the cut roses and begged for some of them. I told her I would consider it, after we had met our original objective of getting flowers for the garden.
We all went out back and checked out some mums and other perenials. I let the kids pick out 2 flowers each. When we got back I allowed the kids to also pick out some roses. L pleaded for 5 roses and I thought that was reasonable, but T got to pick the color of 2 of them. L picked red and T picked white. Mommy was very excited to see those when we got home. But L was quick to point out: "Those flowers are for the whole family." I am not sure if mommy is used to sharing her flowers, yet:)
I was excited to get the flowers in the ground, but it was too hot. I did not want to overwork the kids and ruin an amazing morning, so we headed to aunt L's pool. Nighttime brought the concert in the park. It was and amazing day.
I am always amazed at how well the kids do in stores. We look around, but they are gentle with things. They understand the word "fragile". When we engage each other and tell stories and ask questions the time flies by.
We went to the store and waited for 20 minutes while the owner helped other customers with their flower arrangements. The kids played with the store's humongous tabby cat. Then we looked for a Bhudda statue for the garden. L kept looking at the cut roses and begged for some of them. I told her I would consider it, after we had met our original objective of getting flowers for the garden.
We all went out back and checked out some mums and other perenials. I let the kids pick out 2 flowers each. When we got back I allowed the kids to also pick out some roses. L pleaded for 5 roses and I thought that was reasonable, but T got to pick the color of 2 of them. L picked red and T picked white. Mommy was very excited to see those when we got home. But L was quick to point out: "Those flowers are for the whole family." I am not sure if mommy is used to sharing her flowers, yet:)
I was excited to get the flowers in the ground, but it was too hot. I did not want to overwork the kids and ruin an amazing morning, so we headed to aunt L's pool. Nighttime brought the concert in the park. It was and amazing day.
I am always amazed at how well the kids do in stores. We look around, but they are gentle with things. They understand the word "fragile". When we engage each other and tell stories and ask questions the time flies by.
Building self esteem at the park.
L was jumping from apparatus to apparatus at the park. She was zipping around on a huge wheel that was suspended in the air. Her feet scraped against the ground and she began screaming:
"Daddy help!!!"
I knew she was not in pain and that this was some sort of game. I bristled at the loud noise and prepared for another shout.
"What is it love?" I asked.
"My feet hit the ground! I don't want my feet to touch the ground! Help Me!" L half whined and half screached.
The pitch sent shivers down my spine, but I took a deep breath and tried to help.
"L, I will be glad to help, but let me get into the game. Please do not yell at me. I do not yell at you."
"Alright, daddy."
She got back up on a balance beam and began to tip towards me. I extended a hand that she could grab if she needed it. She chose to take it, and smiled. She was grateful to have her game continue.
She jumped up on the monkey bars and then up and over them. She slid across the zip wire and landed on a platform. She jumped for the wheel again and spun almost entirely around. The tip of her toe was almost touching the platform when she started drifting slightly back.
I nudged the wheel and gave L just enough momentum to make it back to the platform. She looked back at me and smiled a huge smile. The next time she made it through the whole obstacle course without touching the ground with no help from daddy. We gave each other a huge hug.
I could have snapped at L or ignored her requests for help. It would have been easy the way that she asked for it. I was thankful that I was able to breathe deeply and get through to a deeply rewarding experience for both of us. That is much better than an argument.
"Daddy help!!!"
I knew she was not in pain and that this was some sort of game. I bristled at the loud noise and prepared for another shout.
"What is it love?" I asked.
"My feet hit the ground! I don't want my feet to touch the ground! Help Me!" L half whined and half screached.
The pitch sent shivers down my spine, but I took a deep breath and tried to help.
"L, I will be glad to help, but let me get into the game. Please do not yell at me. I do not yell at you."
"Alright, daddy."
She got back up on a balance beam and began to tip towards me. I extended a hand that she could grab if she needed it. She chose to take it, and smiled. She was grateful to have her game continue.
She jumped up on the monkey bars and then up and over them. She slid across the zip wire and landed on a platform. She jumped for the wheel again and spun almost entirely around. The tip of her toe was almost touching the platform when she started drifting slightly back.
I nudged the wheel and gave L just enough momentum to make it back to the platform. She looked back at me and smiled a huge smile. The next time she made it through the whole obstacle course without touching the ground with no help from daddy. We gave each other a huge hug.
I could have snapped at L or ignored her requests for help. It would have been easy the way that she asked for it. I was thankful that I was able to breathe deeply and get through to a deeply rewarding experience for both of us. That is much better than an argument.
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