Letting go of outcomes

The topic of my insight portion of my meditation this morning was "Letting go of outcomes and results."  For instance, during bedtime routine, to let go of:

1. Being yelled at.
2. Being ignored
3. Procrastination
4. Finishing the last Wii game
5. ect....

By attacking these problems, one at a time as the arise, I can let go of needing to get the kids to bed on my schedule and let them have some freedom with a reasonalble framework.
I am also trying to heal my ears, so that when I hear whining and yelling, that I don't react.  It is highly unlikely that the kids will need to visit the ER as a result of their horseplay.
Having this intention in my mind this evening helped bedtime proceed well from my perspective.  I did not lose my cool and the kids got to bed only a few minutes after their scheduled bedtimes.
I think that the more I reflect on these insights, the deeper that they sink in and more healing occurs.
So far so good.

Weekend of Service at Grampy's

Made it back from a weekend of service at my father-in-Law's. He is doing OK. When you give, you get, however. I got to spend a weekend with the funniest 8 year old boy you will ever meet. T and I talked about everything, from the Sox to the Pats to the Lightening Theif books.  He is such a great kid.  We talked about the time a bully punched him in the stomach at school.  This same kid aspires to be a murderer when he grows up.  

T asked me how electricity is generated for our house.  Why are there 4 downs in football and how does that work.  How many more game do the RedSox have and who are they playing.  Who won the baseball allstar game and who will get home field advantage this year?  The list went on and on.  I answered patiently and tried to ask as many follow up questions as I could.  

I discovered that T remembered as much or more about the Lightening Thief series as I did.  We also had a telepathic moment.  I was trying to recall one of the characters names in the book and was spouting out names: David, Peter, Bobby.  None of them seemed right.  Then T said he thought he remembered the name, but was not sure.  It popped imediately into my head.  Was it Daniel?  He said it was.  Pretty amazing.

Servicing my Father-In-Law and his partner was hard work, but the reward of doing for others is extremely enriching.  To get this added bonus of bonding time with my son was priceless.

Bristling at judgement

I realized that I have a hot button when I am feeling judged.
When I was driving the other day someone commented that I was taking the long way to out destination.
I replied that I liked the scenic route better.
"You will use more gas." they said and "that is bad for the environment."
But we are in a hybrid and it is only about a mile out of the way, I replied.
"Studies show that people who drive hybrids drive more miles" my passenger replied.
"Thanks for the judgment." I replied.
We moved on and didn't talk about the exchange, but I resented being judged when I work hard at minimizing my impact on the environment.
Ideally I would be able to accept the criticism and move on. I reflected on that in meditation and hopefully will heal this hot button.

A little preparation before bedtime confrontation

M was not interested in bed this evening. At 8:30 she was screaming for her brother to be returned from a sleep over. I let her call our neighbors house to get that out of her system. Naturally her brother refused to come home.
While she spoke to him I gathered myself and prepared for a difficult bedtime. I had no goals, and nowhere to go and nothing to do. All that mattered was that I was compassionate to my daughter and had a win-win outcome for bedtime.
She crumpled down on the floor and dug in her heels:
"I am not going to bed no matter what you say."
"M, you are going to bed. You can go walking or I can carry you. I can carry you like a baby or I can carry you by your heels."
"You mean I can walk on my hands all the way to bed?"
"If you can make it. It would be a new family record, I said."
We laughed our way all the way to bed and read a book and M drifted off to sleep, happy as a clam.
Win-Win.

Incredible weekend

My meditation practice feels like it is paying huge dividends. Last weekend I spent a full weekend with my wife and kids without reacting in anger for one moment. It felt like a huge accomplishment!

Communicating through the Chakras

In my 200 hour yoga teacher training class we did an intense set of Kundalini yoga for about 20 minutes, then the group took Shavasana. I was breathing normally and my mind was exploring a topic about work and I had received an insight. Then I heard a groan in the middle of the room, about 30 feet to my left. I felt sorry for the person who was experiencing the grief. A moment later I heard the groan again, but it was even louder. I had a thought that I could help the woman who was groaning by taking on some of her suffering. I decided to set the intention to try to offload some of her suffering onto me.
The moment that I set the intention, my breathing became shallow. I could only breathe in the top 10% of my lungs. I put my hand to the bridge of my nose and tried to breathe deeper. I was able to catch my breath after 4 or 5 breaths.
My abdomen began to feel like it was generating an extreme amount of energy. The area that I would call my 3rd Chakra was vibrating intensely. After 20 minutes this energy pattern moved to my 4th Chakra in the area of my heart. This again felt like deep, vibrational energy. For a brief time I also felt the feeling lower in my second chakra.
I believe that the woman and I communicated through our 3rd Chakras. This happened several months ago and my meditation practice has become much more focused since. I feel that energy channels were opened within my body by this experience.
My instructor explained that she saw this experience as my first experience as a healer. I look forward to exploring these abilities in future classes.

Good Karma

Two months ago I lost the key to my Honda Civic Hybrid. I told my son T I would give him $5 if he found it. He looked for hours, but did not find it. I gave him $5 for his effort.

On Saturday of this week I needed to borrow T's pedometer. He was not in his room, so I grabbed it, looked at the steps (22,000) and reset the pedometer so that I could track my steps for that day.

At the end of our walk T discovered I was wearing his pedometer. Dad, I was counting my steps, please tell me you did not reset that! He was crushed, but I promised him that I would get it back up to 22,000 steps.

By Thursday morning I had completed the necessary steps and handed T back his pedometer. I also advised him that if you break something of somebody's that you should fix it for them before you give it back. He said he understood.

On Thursday afternoon I got a voicemail that T had found my car key in the garage that afternoon.

On Thursday night I gave T a new, crisp $5 bill.

Now that is good Karma.

Classic Quotes

We are driving in the car the other night. M (4) asks: "What is a date?"
T, my 7 year old boy responds: "That's when you find a girl that you really love. Then you ask her to go out to dinner. Then you talk about your feelings."

That morning my mother in law called and said that she would pick up breakfast for the kids. I told her we would love a half a dozen bagels from Dunkin Donuts.
L (8), who had just woken up and overheard the conversation replied:
"Have them put the cream cheese on the bagel!"
"L, nana will buy a tub of cream cheese and we can spread it on the bagel. It is more economical that way."
"No, have them put the cream cheese on it!"
"L, it costs much less to get a tub of cream cheese. Besides, then you get to decide how much to put on."
"But I need to have them do it! There professionals!"
I spun around quickly so that L could not see my reaction to that comment. It is best not to argue with her before she has had her coffee:)

This day made possible by meditation

This Sunday I had an extraordinary day that revolved around the theme of service.
I have recently been practicing insight meditations of how I can be more of service. I have tried to envision myself helping my children, my wife, the elderly, infirm, homeless and others.
This weekend I offered to care for my children while my wife recharged her batteries in NH.
The kids and I went on a hike on Saturday to Mt Jacob in Gloucester. The kids had a ball and I was mindful of their needs during the trip. I brought snacks, drinks and even toilet paper:)
Later that evening we took my mom out to dinner to her favorite restaurant which brought her great joy.
I was able to teach my Sunday school class with my 2 eldest children and I taught them about prayer and thanksgiving. My son created a prayer necklace with beads representing his sisters, mother, cat and chickens. It was adorable.
Later on Sunday when my wife returned from NH we were driving to the beach when her grandmother called. Her cousin with Cerebral Palsy had come for a visit and she wanted to see the kids. Here is where the meditation kicked in. I the past I would make an excuse that my wife and I needed to enjoy this last beach day of the season. But through my meditation I had been envisioning myself as someone who could help others, and I realized that this was an opportunity to fulfill a need to help others. We turned the car around and headed into the city on potentially the last beach day of the season.
After a great visit with our relatives we still were able to enjoy an hour at the beach at our favorite time of day, sunset.
At 6:00 I asked Jennifer if I could go back to the church and help my friends cook a meal for needy people in town. She agreed. I tried to convince my eldest daughter to come, but she was too tired. I believe that if I had not meditated on this topic that I would not have been so adamant about requesting the time. It would have been easy to forget about the opportunity or rationalize and excuse like needing to put the kids to bed.
When I arrived at the church we worked on cutting veggies, opening cans and preparing chili for 2 hours. It brought the group closer together around the worthy cause of helping people who need it.
Earlier in the day my wife had offered to let me go off and play a round of golf. I made a conscious decision, aided by meditation, to do something more fulfilling.

Sitting

These past few weekends we have not had many household plans. I worked on a few projects and went to a few parks. We had a few family lunched, but the lack of plans was palpable. My wife was not too pleased with the development. She mentioned she prefers to have plans and enjoys working toward a planned activity with the family.
During the weekends I worked on sitting and trying to experience my emotions as they arose. On several occasions I felt myself wanting to move on to the next activity. I tried to sit with the current activity and feel the motivation to move arising in my thoughts and feelings. This was particularly evident when I was trying to put my kids to sleep. I wanted to get downstairs and exericise and then catch up on the news. As my son lied in his bed and asked me to stay in his room I sat and meditated.
I sat and watched my breath and felt the sensations of urgeny of tasks that I could be completing downstairs. I watched these thoughts arise and I continued to sit, glued to the floor, watching my breath.
I had the same experience as I put my eldest daughter down. I sat on the floor and felt the pull of all of the other things that I could be doing. I sat on the floor and watched my breath and experienced the desire of wanting to exercise and surf the news sites. I let that desire go and returned to the breath. Then I watched the thoughts of other possibilities float into my consiousness and I continued to breathe.
This was a powerful meditation where I felt I was able to overcome the need to follow my desires for a short period of time and sit and enjoy just being in the room with my kids as they drifted to sleep.

Win-Win with 3 year old M

Today I had let my wife head upstairs for a nap while I was playing with the other kids. I am so thankful when I can enable my wife to slow down and get the rest that she needs. It is a kind of grasping or attachment in Buddhist thinking.
So I was very alarmed when my youngest daughter (3) completed a picture for my wife and wanted to bring it to her.
"M, mommy is sleeping now. Please draw her another picture and we can show them to her when she wakes up"
"No! I want to show her now!"
She ran upstairs and began knocking on my wife's door.
"M, please, we can read this book."
"No! I want momma."
My anger continued to rise with each rapping on the door by M. I contemplated throwing the book that was in my hand, but I tried to connect with my breath and think of a win-win way out of this problem.
I had an idea. My 7 year old daughter L was home and she is good with distractions for M. I went for help. I hustled downstairs and looked around for L. She was not there. I called to her in the basement and all around the house. She did not answer.
This was just perfect. I had one daughter waking up my wife and the other one was lost. My wife was not going to enjoy waking up from this nap and would probably not be taking another one with my in charge.
Then another win-win idea presented itself. Quickly I ran upstairs.
"M, L is lost!" I proclaimed.
M looked skeptical.
"No Daddy, she is just hiding."
"Go see for yourself, I can't find her."
We ran downstairs and looked around. L jumped out at us from under a blanket 30 seconds later. We continued to play hide and seek until Mommy woke up.
The win-win scenarios were not complete for the afternoon, however. M was upstairs trying to hide and was getting angry that I was peeking at her.
"M, lets try the hiding spot that L was using. Let's hide in the bed."
"OK, said M."
We both lied down under the warm sheets in the bed that Mommy had just vacated. M was snoring in less than a minute. The nap that she needed, and would have fought tooth and nail was upon her. And Daddy was only 30 seconds behind:)

Webkinz nightmares

Here is an emotional bedtime rollercoaster brought to you by the evil programmers at Webkinz

When the timer went off for the computer and the kids would not get off webkinz I was irritated.
When they said we need to finish this one game I said fine, but just this last game, I became more irritated.
When the game was over and the kids said that the pet needed food before bed or it would die I said OK through gritted teeth and became more irritated at them.
When they said they needed to take their pet to the doctors before they could shut the machine off or their pet would die I became more irritated.
When they said that they had to buy medicine for their pet I became more aggrivated.
When they said they had to put their webkinz to bed or it would die I wanted to kill the developers of webkinz.
When they searched all 10 rooms in webkinz world and Tommy's tree frog could not find the bed I was furious.
When Lauren said she sold the bed for Webkinz cash I snapped.
Later I laughed.

Cute moment while dropping off L at school

I was dropping off L at school the other day and she took off her seat belt as the car was running.
"Why is the bell ringing in the car, dad?"
"The car is telling us that a very important package in the front seat needs to be taken care of."
L let that sink in and looked at me and beamed.
"I love you Dad."
She gave me our customary kiss and bolted off into school.

Yoga before bed with the kids

The past several nights I have done yoga with the kids before bed. It has been fantastic. My 5 year old boy devours the poses.
"Look dad. I can do up dog and look at the ceiling."
"Dad! I am doing down dog and I can see the door."
He holds the poses along with Rodney Yee who leads the power yoga video. T made it 20 minutes on the first night. I had the under at 5 minutes.
My youngest daughter was a riot as well. 3 Year old M held her down dog right along with daddy and T. She love to run under Daddy's bridge while I am doing down dog.
We lined up our 3 yoga mats side by side and hugged and kissed each other as we transitioned in and out of the poses. It was adorable.
Mommy and L joined us for yoga the next night. All five of us moved in and out of the postures for 10 minutes before bedtime. It was a joyous time.

Meditation continues to pay dividends

After a tough day at work my temper was short this evening. I had resigned myself to a night of yelling and short patience when I remembered to reconnect with my breath. I did this over and over for the entire night.
The more that I practice my meditation the easier this becomes. When the kids scream and the nerves jangle from my eardrums to my anus I breathe and calmly remind them that there is no yelling in our home. By modelling patience through meditation I am able to show the behavior that I am requesting instead of giving it lip service.
I am in month 8 of meditating twice per day and I find that I am connecting with my breath more often. If I am overwhelmed or swamped in some way I am reflexively concentrating on the air coming in through my nostrils and this act of focusing my mind completely calms me and reduces anxiety and stress. This practice has caused me to act in accordance with my values many times over the past several months, with the kids and my wife and at work.
I am especially more inclined to apologize to my wife more quickly than I have in the past. This morning I flew off the handle when my wife asked me to free up some hard drive space on her computer as I was walking out the door for work. I immediately realized that I had overreacted and I took a deep breath and apologized. I left for work with a kiss instead of a grunt. These moments are key for maintaining harmonious relationships with my wife, kids and friends.

Mindfulness is the answer.

I have been having great success over the past several months with mindfulness practice in my parenting. I have been meditating twice a day for 6 months. This has helped me practice returning to my breath when I become consumed by negative emotions. I can immediately deal with these emotions and then take the appropriate action, instead of flying off the handle.

Patience goals for vacation week.

I vow to treat my wife with respect all week long. I will listen intently to her ideas and stories and ask for clarification when I do not understand the emotions that she is trying to convey. I will laugh without abandon when she tells a funny story. I will be patient when I do not hear something she says or if I misinterpret something she says. Because she is brilliant and fun and worthy of the benefit of the doubt. Most of the time if I get snappy with her I realize that it was something that I misread or did not fully understand.

I vow this week to treat my children with respect. I will hug them and kiss them as often as they can possibly stand. I will tell them each time when they say something remarkable. I will tell them how much I enjoy their company and how much I want to be with them. I will laugh at their pre-school jokes just like when I was back in preschool, because it was funny then. I refuse to let my anger reduce our enjoyment of our vacation. I refuse to be selfish at mealtime or bedtime. If I want to eat a hot meal I will explain that to my kids and ask them to help me achieve my goal. If they cooperate, great, if not then I will continue to use my calm words to induce them to cooperate. There is no excuse for yelling at my kids. I will see life from their eyes this week.

I will enjoy time with my mom and my sister. I will laugh at my mom's jokes because they are funny. I will not poke fun at her. I will enjoy her company.

Best way to wake up.

I awoke to this conversation this morning:

I was sleeping in T’s room and they were in L’s room.

L: “I have a boyfriend.”

That statement woke me right up.

T: “You do not.”

L: “I do too.”

Daddy waits……

L: “It’s Daddy!”

Daddy’s heart melts.

Gardening with the kids.

L and T had a ball with me putting in our garden. I loved and cherished every second of the time that we spent together.
T and I worked on the garden during every spare moment of the Easter weekend. After his morning Easter Egg hunt we started putting up the fence. We struggled to push the wire into the clips on the fence posts. T and I would both push hard on the wires and finally they would clip in. We would smile at each other and hug.
After one tough clip T put out his hand for a high five.
"T, do you know that is the first time you ever offered ME a high five?"
T sat and thought about this and then smiled. "Wow!" he exclaimed. And then he slowly raised up his hand and offered me another one. I then received my first 100 high fives from T.
Later, L joined us for weed removal. L and T grunted and groaned and pulled up many weeds and stubborn roots. I hugged them after a big extraction and helped them with the humongous ones.
"Daddy you sure are strong!"
"You will both be stronger than me before long." I replied.
The kids like that answer.
T and L squirreled away many worms into their bug catchers. Later these would be deposited in the composter.
"Those worms are really going to mix up our compost!" I exclaimed.
"You betcha." Exclaimed T.
Finally it was time to get some seeds in. Broccoli and Lettuce were the crops du jour. The kids tried to dig rows, but they were very short and deep. I showed them how they could make the receptacle with their fingers.
L went to plant her broccoli seeds and realized that they had fallen out of the package. She looked crushed.
"oops, I exclaimed. Defective package. T, can L plant some of your lettuce seeds?"
T's response to these types of questions was always the same loving answer:
"Sure!"
L was satisfied and she helped T sow his rows of lettuce seeds.
Finally it was time to water. The temperature was at most 50 degrees. But that did not stop L from stripping down and sprinting through the sprinkler. T was right behind her. My hair stood up just watching them.
"Watch out for the seeds!"
"OK, daddy."
What a blast we had. I had been telling the kids bedtime stories about our garden all winter. Each time we read a Winnie the Pooh book I would tell them that we would have a garden just like Rabbit's. Those seeds were sown this Easter weekend where every time I asked T if he wanted to work in the garden he responded with:
"Sure!"

Splitting wood with T.

While M slept, I put up a tire swing for L and T. They were having a ball with it. I let them play while I went inside to get a chainsaw and maul axe. I figured I would split some wood while they played on the swing.
T was curious as to my project.
"What are you doing dad?"
"Chopping wood."
"Can I help?"
"Sure!"
I cut up the trees that I had dropped last fall. T collected the smaller pieces and loaded them into the barell. He tried to split a few of them with the 8 lb. maul axe. Since he only weighs about 40 lbs. he did not generate much force:(
He landed a few direct hits and then gave up.
Then daddy started splitting the bigger logs.
T would run for cover as I sent the wood flying. Then he would hustle and scoop up the scraps and load them into the wheelbarrow.
"I am going to carry the wheelbarrel up the hill!" exclaimed T.
"Go for it my man!"
I did not think T would be able to budge the wheelbarrow. The hill was steep and there was a fair amount of wood in the barrow.
But to my amazement T got it moving. I watched him move it for 20 yards until the hill got extremely steep and he got stuck.
"Need some help T?" I called out.
"No, dad!"
T tried non stop for 5 minutes to move that wood up the hill. I watched him push and pull and then push again. Finally he lied down spread eagle at the base of the barrow, defeated.
"Dad! I could use some help!"
I ran over and started to pull the wheelbarrow. I was amazed that T was able to move it an inch. I could barely move the thing. Then I looked back and saw T hitching a ride.
I figured that he had earned it. During the ride up the hill I told T about persistence and how he had plenty of it. I told him that the characteristic would help him to become an astronaut or a scientist or whatever he wanted to be.
T looked pleased.